Take a Bite out of: Cable Theft

When I saw the commercial I simply could not believe it. I thought it had to be a spoof. From a long line of "Ideas that seemed good at the time, but are so ill-thought through that they cannot help but lead to a screw up of Post-War Berlin-Zoning proportions," I bring you

CABLETHEFT.COM

That's right, monkeys. The whole purpose of the site is for you to report people whom you know (or suspect; wink, wink) to be stealing cable.

There hasn't been an idea this bad since the Dred Scott decision.

The commercial shows a blowhard bragging at work to his friends about all the free pay-per-view fights he's scored without paying. As the blowhard walks away he makes fun of a nerd in his cubicle. The nerd then immediately goes to cabletheft.com and reports the blowhard, thus doing his patriotic duty.

Don't get me wrong: I have never stolen cable. It's the same as stealing anything else, and people who do it should be punished. It's not a crime you could EVER justify, because we are not talking formula for your baby here. It's cable. You can afford the TV. You can afford the cable. In 10 out of 10 cases the person can afford the cable; they are just too lazy and greedy to do so. I have zero empathy for anyone who gets caught, and as far as I'm concerned you can throw these bastards in a Shawshank-style prison and cast them down with the Sodomites.

That said, cabletheft.com is a TERRIBLE idea. We are encouraging people to spy on their neighbors, which is rarely a good thing. (You want to make a commercial, how about "when you see your neighbor beating the shit out of his wife, how about you report it then, huh asshole?")

But it's not even the tattletaling that bothers me so much. It is the giant, Truman-Show-Island size can of worms the website opens up. If you take a look, all you need is the person's name and their cable company, and if you have it, the address. That's it! You can report anyone!

Well, what the hell. Until someone figures out what a horrible idea this is, we here at Monkey Barn might as well get in on the fun. I want you to report any and all people you don't like. A few suggestions:

Your Boss
Your smelly/loud/annoying/ugly coworkers
That Girl that cheated on you in high school
Your Ex
Your Ex's new Girfriend
Your History Teacher
Schrodinger
The guy who cut you off in traffic (will involve a bit of stalking)
The girl who gave you the wrong number on purpose at the bar (see above)
Your Congressman
Your Mayor
G. Gordon Liddy
Nancy Grace
Carlos Mencia
Skip Kendall
All Gentiles
Schrodinger (again)
Owen Wilson (there had to be some reason)
Carrot Top
The Mechanic who overcharged you
Your Wife
You (Self-loathers only)
Anyone in your company's finance department
Anyone who says "bless her heart"
Schrodinger

We hope this list helps you out, and as you go about ruining lives, remember: if you can't prove they are NOT stealing cable, they probably ARE, so you are better off reporting them to Cable Theft.