Friday, September 01, 2006

Monkey Barn Interviews (X)

[Today's Interview is with Kapgar, our one quasi-celebrity. The interview was conducted on Google Chat, and Kappy took so long between each answer that I was able to raise many families of own in the interim. (He claimed later to be so important that he could make me wait at will.) Enjoy]

Hyperion: Ladies and Gentmen, welcome once again to "Get to know your Monkey Barner." Today we have Kapgar, one of the newest members of the Barn. Kapgar has shoehorned me in, repeatedly informing me how important and busy he is, so we won't waste his time and will get right to it: Kapgar: how did Monkey Barn come into the radar of someone so powerful and above the rest of us?

Kapgar: What? You can see those pixies floating above my head, too? That's great, I'm not totally Mel Gibson, batshit nutso. Ummm... actually I think we found each other through Carnival of the Mundane after you were offering yourself up to a 17-year-old girl I work with. I corrected your misconception of our "relationship" and then you became a reader. You sick fool. Eventually, you asked, I said no, then you asked again, and, against my better judgment, I said yes.

Hyperion: Sounds like most of my dates! So, what's up with that name, "Kapgar"? Cold War code word or something Hot Wheels test marketed but never brought to stores after an alarmingly high rate of VD?

Kapgar: Unfortunately nothing quite that cool. But I may abscond one of those ideas should someone ask me again in the future. It's really just a concat that I've been using since college when the Web was pushed out of Tim Berners-Lee's uterus and onto the rest of the world. Yep, my school gave it to me and I've been using it ever since. However as time goes by, I've discovered more and more "kapgar"s. Can you believe it? So, in some sites, I've had to use kapgar5 (my fave #). I want to sue them all for cybersquatting MY concat! Oh yeah, guess it helps to answer the obvious next question... "what's a concat?"... Concatenation or something along those lines... a contraction of two names to create a new one kevin+apgar = k+apgar = kapgar. Like I said, nothing quite as cool as a Hot Wheels car with VD or whatever you were saying.

Hyperion: Thanks for that interesting if obviously fake answer. (By the way Barn: ten points for anyone who can come up with the most colorful response as to what Kapgar’s name really means.) So, you're all powerful and shit but be honest: you check Monkey Barn ____ times a day.

Kapgar: What's Monkey Barn? I'm supposed to check something? Dammit!

Hyperion: Fine, duck the question. Well, here's an internet question I know you'll cotton to: What's your site all about? What do you post there? How popular are you?

Kapgar: Thankfully I haven't pigeonholed myself by locking into one area of focus. Phew! I'd get bored way too quickly. Simply put, whatever meager bit of trivia or news crap I find that inspires me, I might blog about it. Classification sites tend to refer to that as "personal" or "pop culture" but even those can be misnomers. So, simply put, I do crappy writing about a bunch of crappy subjects no one gives two craps about. But I do it daily. And have been since June 18 of last year. I am read by billy-yuns and billy-yuns of people, animals, and aliens the universe over. Actually, I do okay in terms of hits. Not so much that I've become too well known or have to pay for added bandwidth but not so little that I freak out about nobody giving a rat's patootie.

Hyperion: I'm still working on the not freaking out part. In this way (and this way only), you are an inspiration. So, we're in the Monkey Barn Clubhouse, and you get to divide up the bedrooms, at least 3, no more than 5. Who sleeps with who?

Kapgar: I inspire people? Seriously? Freaky. Room 1 - Hyperion and Tobias (you two are meant for each other, clearly); Room 2 - Kapgar, Tracy Lynn, Dragon, Tiff and Lady Jane Scarlett (I so wanna hang with them so we can bitch about Ann Coulter); Room 3 - Philogynist, Sea Hag, and Jax (not sure why, but it'd be a fun room, wouldn't it?); Room 4 - Koz and Kaida (only two in this room because that's where we're storing all the alcohol for the big party); Room 5 - Domie and Schrödinger (the media center for our outing).

Hyperion: With all that alcohol, I'm pretty sure someone's gonna get laid, but you're nuts if you think I'm letting a horn dog like Koz near Kaida. (Actually, no biggie, as she is no longer 16, I have no worries.) Speaking of young tender flesh, how tempting is it, as a responsible half-decent guy no longer 18 years old, as a married man devoted to his wife, to work with all those hardbodies, those young nubile pieces of flesh who probably buy you're sarcastic charm, just how hard, uh, that should be, how difficult is it?

Kapgar: "Responsible"? "Half-decent"? Are you interviewing the right Barner? Well, it's incredibly difficult. I have female bloggers throwing themselves at me on a daily basis. Oh it's both horrible and wonderful at the same time. Tracy's totally hot for me. Just ask. Or are you talking about the women at the gym. Meh. Same situation. Just less "cyber" more "flesh." I can hook you up Hypey, just ask.

Hyperion: It's a great offer, but I value my continued ability to walk, such as it is. Totally know what you mean about the women throwing themselves at me, especially Tracy. Bit of a monkey muncher, that one. This does lead us to the last question, though. Back to those bedroom arrangements. Give us the sexual output of each room on the first night. Be specific and give vulgar details, if you can

Kapgar: Highest sexual output... Room 1 - you and Tobias are just nuts. There's no stopping the two of you. Luckily for us, it's been soundproofed and bolted shut (from the outside). I did hear the telltale screeches of animals before we got the bolt in place. The ASPCA has been called. Room 2 - would be competing for the title if the discussion of Ann Coulter's complete lack of sexual appeal didn't drown out our desire. Room 3 is totally jumpin' as those three are all over, in, and around each other. Room 4 is dead because they drank everything and passed out entirely. Or was Koz only pretending to drink whilst luring young Kaida into his trap? Tune in. Room 5 gave up on the rest of us and started playing porn on the surround sound system. Unfortunately, their room is not soundproofed, but it did give my room the spark it needed to move past the Coulter discussion. Woo hoo! Hands to yourself, Tracy! We all want a piece of Tiff!

Hyperion: And on that note.....that's all the time we have. Thanks to Kapgar and please join us again when we ask, "What's in Your Barner?"


tiff said...

Fine. I don't get a freaking room to sleep in at the cluhouse. I bet you won't tell me the damned secret handshake either.

I can tell when I'm not wanted. I'm taking my tequila and going home.

kapgar said...

What are you talking about, Tiff? Got you in a room and even commented on how we all want a piece of you. Are you nutso? Hypey getting to you?

Bring back my tequila!

Dragon said...

Tiff, darling, you're in room 2 and sitting on my lap. wink wink

tiff said...

damn y'all - I swear it wasn't there when I looked at it this morning, and I NEVER saw the "piece of Tiff" thing there until just now. Trust me whne I say there's enough of me to go around...

Kap - I replaced the tequila and added a bottle of bourbon for good measure. I need a drink.

Hyperion - you trying to mess with my head, dude? Huh?

Dragon, I cannot wait! Woohoo!

kapgar said...

Bourbon? You're forgiven!

Tracy Lynn said...

I love it when you get all delusional, Kev.

kapgar said...

Me? Delusional? The hell you say!