Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Love is a Battlefield! Part 9

I have been accused a few times since I started my 'Love is a Battlefield' thing of being a man-basher and a man-hater, so I've come to set the record straight on your totally ignorant asses.

First of all, I love men. LOVE them. I luv, lurve, L-O-V-E me some mens. Second, what I'm hating on in my ramblings is the dating game itself, not on savory guys in general (though, of course, I have poured a little Haterade on a few dudes in particular, but with good reason). Thirdly, if I was hating, you all would know it, for my scathing insults would render any man reading this an instant eunuch. Seriously, I would make several outies into innies, and I have way too much love for the penis for that to ever, ever happen.

So, I have complied a list of my favorite things about men. Ladies, feel free to add your own on here!

Today's lesson: Why I loooooove men!

1. They have chest hair
Yeah, I know that a lot of ladies don't appreciate the chestal fur, but it is my opinion that men are supposed to be hairy. When I see a fuzz-free pec, I just think of a scrawny pre-adolescent 11-year-old dude. Ew.

2. They will carry heavy things
The one reason I don't utilize my Sam's Club membership as much as I should is because I can't get the Econo-Size Pak O' Toilet Paper up the stairs to my apartment. But if you have a dude with big shoulders handy, they'll do it for you happily because guys love to feel all big and strong and helpful. And I love to let a guy be all big and strong and helpful (especially if they don't have a shirt on).

3. They embrace their inner pervert
I know way too many women who are just totally sexually repressed. And it's sad. And no, I don't mean that you're a frigid harridan if you don't own a gimp mask and spurs and 13 different flavors of lube. I mean that most women don't even know themselves well enough to know what they want in bed and what makes them feel good. This is a travesty, if you ask me, and another subject I'll discuss at some other time. But most guys know exactly what they want and are not afraid to bust out some crazy-ass moves that you've only read about while you were reading Cosmo in the bathroom dropping a deuce. Any guy who can flip me around like I'm in Cirque du Soleil is HOT!!!

4. They smell so good when they are fresh out of the shower
There's something about the co-mingled scents of tea tree oil shampoo, Irish Spring soap, shaving cream, toothpaste, and cologne that just makes me completely crazy. And grabby.

5. The can fix my computer
My computer is a magic box that is powered by fairy dust and mouse farts for all I know. Seriously, I have no idea why it works...but that's where a savvy guy comes in and makes that stupid error message go away or puts in more gigs of... some crap I have no idea what they're talking about, but it makes the magic box better, according to them.

Sea Hag


Koz said...

Hey how'd you know that I use Tea Tree Shampoo? It makes my scalp all tingly.

tiff said...

Well, but for the chest hair thing (yay, NAIR!), I fit all the other criteria. God help me, I think I might be gay.

Sea Hag said...

Because, Koz, ALL GUYS use, have used, or will use Tea Tree Oil Shampoo at some point in their lives for that whole tingly-scalp reason.

Tracy Lynn said...

I LOVE guys who can really fix stuff. That's so sexy.