Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Love is a Battlefield! Part 7

Congratulations! In between shifting paradigms and being proactive, you developed a crush on a fellow co-worker. Way to think outside of the box!

But what should you do about it? Common sense and dozens of crappy romantic comedies have shown you that it is not a great idea to pursue anyone at work, as you will become a prime candidate for office gossip and if you break up, the awkwardness will suck all asses.

But then again...working together gives you an automatic lunch buddy, having access to his personnel file makes stalking him so much easier, you can finally fulfill that fantasy where you have sex on top of the fax machine, and hell, you already know he has a good job.

So what's a little cubicle monkey to do? Never fear, for Sea Hag loves you and has devised a test to determine if you should dip into the office pool.

Today's lesson: Mixing business with pleasure

All questions are yes/no.
1. Is he your supervisor?
2. Are you his supervisor?
3. Do you work in the same department?
4. Do you work on the same floor or building?
5. Does he look good in his biz-cas gear? I mean, is he totally rockin' the Dockers or what?
6. No, really, he doesn't wear the same three lame, stretched-out, bleach-spotted, faded polo shirts over and over again, does he?
7. Can you imagine what his sex face will look like?
8. Does the thought of it make you giggle?
9. If you told another co-worker you two were dating, would they give you a high-five?
10. Does he have any Dilbert cartoons or those weird, cult-y 'be inspired by teamwork' posters anywhere in his cubicle?
11. Does he have his cell phone clipped to his belt?
12. Does he smell like he splashed around in a birdbath full of Davidoff Cool Water before he came in to work?

Scoring:
If you answered yes to 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10, 11 or 12, give yourself one point for each 'yes' response.
If you answered no to 5, 7 or 9, give yourself one point for each 'no' response.

Results:
9-12 points- Hells no!
I don't care how hot he looks while he's making coffee or bent over the copy machine, this has catastrophe written all over it. What were you thinking? Where was your brain?

5-8 points- Good for an occasional hook-up
This guy will be good for a sloppy make-out session after the office Christmas party, but not much else.

0-4 points- You've struck boyfriend gold!
Hope you keep a box of condoms in your purse, because you are in for a lot of naked fun time in the elevator. Plus you can rub it in all your co-worker's faces that you are banging the office hottie.

Love,
Sea Hag
loveseahag(at)gmail(dot) com

3 comments:

Hyperion said...

"Sucks all asses" should be the next Monkey Barn motto.

'Nuther great job, SH.

Dragon said...

If only I had read this sooner. Sigh

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Sadly, been there, done that...and barely lived to tell the sordid tale.

Oh, and stairwells work better than copy machines.