Haunted Monkey Barn - The Last Chapter

So I couldn't help notice that the Haunted Monkey Barn story sort of stalled last week. What you non-monkeys don't know is that Hyperion sent out a sniveling email last Friday complaining about how much he was hurting and begging for someone to finish it. (Like we don't have anything better to do.) Trust me: I used to live with this guy: he never stops complaining about the littlest thing. Like walking is that big a deal. (Or standing up right. What a whiner!)

Anyway, since none of the Barn bailed him out clearly it was up to me. First off I had to read the previous chapters, which were awesome!

In Chapter 1 Hyperion introduced us to the Haunted Monkey Barn, where the students of Hogwarts were going to be spending their Spring Break. Donald Duck showed up (for realz!), Pansy wasn't a pansy, and Minerva and Draco sitting in a tree, F-E-T-I-S-H-I-Z-I-N-G!

In Chapter 2 birds of a "feather" flocked together (though some of them couldn't talk right), and Pansy and Minerva were wrapped up like douches. (Re-read the chapter; my joke will slay you.)

In Chapter 3, we were treated to the immortal flatulence of a thousand trolls (and a very sick hippo), Draco discovered an extra set from The Princess Bride and Hermione admired dead boobs and then tried out for apart in The Wiz.

In Chapter 4, we learned of Voldemonkey, who clearly had been hanging around with hard-core gamers, Draco went from prankster to spankster, and a plan was hatched.

In Chapter 5 we learned that Snape was definitely evil (unless he wants; these things often cut both ways), and that Hermione and Luna liked to fight over Lollypops.

And in Chapter 6 we learned that Harry wouldn't know an orgy if it bit him like a lollypop, and Hagrid had a brother.

Now, let's finish this shit.

HARRY POTTER AND THE HAUNTED MONKEY BARN

Chapter 7 – All's Well that Ends

(by Tobias the River Midget, Hogwarts Class of '05; "We'll Hufflepuff your house down!")

Everyone looked at Hagrid and Hyperion, who began kissing in a slobbery fashion. "Gross!" said Ron, feelingly. "I had no idea you were a poofter, Hagrid."

"'At's untrue, 'on!" Hagrid said, continuing his assault on first letters of words (or his ongoing quest to bring Cockney to Wizarding; no one was sure which). "Hyperion and I have one rule…."

Together they both recited, "Never in the butt!"

Hyperion added helpfully, "We may be semi-incestuous giants with a love for all things Judy Garland, but we're not freaks!"

"'eah!" Hagrid added fervently." "'hat 'oo 'ake us 'or, 'yan 'dams?"

Hyperion translated: "What'd you take us for, Ryan Adams?"

Just then Snape showed up, with that villainous look that only he (and possibly Alan Rickman) could pull off.

"If you want to survive Lord Voldemonkey, I suggest you do exactly as I say."

"I thought you were bad!" Hermione squeaked.

Snape raised one eyebrow comically and intoned, "That's the thing about me; everything I say is open to multiple interpretations."

Everyone looked around, not sure what to do, until Luna pointed out helpfully, "At least he's not Ryan Adams." With that sobering thought, they all decided to trust Snape; for now. Worst case scenario, they could always go back in time and re-cast his part with Dustin Diamond.

Snape explained how they were to defeat the foul-smelling Lord. "To attempt to smell him directly is too dangerous. We must fight fire with fire. Therefore, I have made up a potion which will allow you to strike back. The potion contains the following ingredients: 10 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, ten pounds of huevos rancheros, 10 pounds of Oreos, ten pounds of baked beans cooked in Jack Daniels' sauce, ten pounds of cauliflower soaked in cheese whiz, ten pounds of 'extra hot' hot wings, ten pounds of curried lamb and ten pounds of boiled cabbage."

Most of the group started getting sick just thinking about what the potion was going to taste like, let alone produce. Hagrid and Hyperion looked at each other, the same thought passing through each of their minds: Thank God we're not like Ryan Adams.

Persnicketedly Hermione pointed out, "This won't work for the girls because everyone knows that girls don't pass gas."

Snape raised that eyebrow again. "I assure you, Miss Granger, that the stinking foul mess that emanates from girls' backsides is no worse than what comes out from their fronts."

Everyone—even Draco—looked utterly aghast that Snape would make such a remark. Professor MacGonagall rose up to make a withering reply, then remembered she'd died several chapters ago and faded away. Finally Snape clarified, in that inimitable Snape-like way: "I was talking, of course, about the meaningless and in this case time-consuming and possibly life-dooming prattle that you ladies feel the need to spew out of your mouths nonstop."

The girls walked out red-faced and Hagrid asked Harry what Snape had said. When Harry repeated it Hagrid said, "'o, 'not the 'unny 'uice, then?"

***

After that it was all over but the final battle. I'd tell you more about it, but that would defeat the purpose of not telling you. Know only that everyone who was supposed to die died, everyone who was supposed to live lived, everyone who was supposed to get beaten got beaten, and it all came out well in the end.

If you know what I mean….