What to get Hyperion (part 1 of 5)

So, you're looking for something to get Hyperion for Hyperion Day, eh? Something to show your 'preciation for all his hard work and great content. You're not, you say? Well, uh, look at this these things anyway, for someone you care about, because much like a popular hooker and The Waitresses, I know what guys want. Okay, maybe your guy doesn't want a cane, but he probably does, if only to look like a stylin' pimp. Besides, don't you known somebody who's crippled? Well, maybe it's just me. I had to give up my wooden cane a few months ago for an aluminum one, because the wooden one was just too short. In truth, though, the aluminum one is too short as well. Enter the good people at Fashionable Cane and Walking Sticks, with their Lavender Extra Long Colortone Walking Cane.

You've seriously got to click on the link, even if you're not going to buy it, just to see how the inlaid wood gives each cane a totally unique look. Of course, that makes it a bit high-end, and there are other extra-long canes on the awesome Fashionable Cane site that would be good too, but man, that stained wood gives me wo....wonderful ideas, that is! Even if you have no interest in whether I ever walk comfortably again (or your favorite guy is big pimpin'), you should go if for no other reason to snicker at the breathless descriptions of "inlaid shaft rings" and "exotic wood."

OMMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111

I just found out they have canes that are also swords! I'm not even going to link that, because if I do I'll start to get my hopes up and then get way disappointed. However, if spending $60 to give a man wood isn't your thing, you could also go the inexpensive route. Look at these kickass pocket knives.



Dudes, the black one (with micarta handle, whatever that means) is only $12, and the silver one is only $7.70. That's practically free! One of them comes with a compass, and one comes with an LED light and key ring. Of course, bigger knives are cool too, but if the blade is more than 8 inches (these are only 3.5), my nervous family might be paying you a visit. Anyway, at least promise me you'll get some guy one of those knives, or hell: any knife! Not a guy in the world who wouldn't want a cool knife, even if he doesn't admit it. Get it for him anyway. He will love it and love you. (But if you are buying for me, you can send it to: Hyperion the Wounded Conqueror; 540 Front Ave.; Columbus GA 31901)

I don't have enough ideas for a full five days yet, so if you have some, email me!