Headlines

Headlines around American newspapers. My comments in (the parentheses).


- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group (Stupid agenda-driven science....)

- Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft (Too bad there wasn't a dog)

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (I call them "tapas")

- Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire (Lucky he didn't bugger a horse)

- Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood (Damn telemarketers!)

- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years (This time they'll plug in the chair)

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One (Talk about spreading the Love)

- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While (Calling Captain Obvious)

- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures (Take That, Global Warming!)

- Deer Kill 17,000 (Guns don't kill people, Bambi does)

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge (I pray this wasn't in Minnesota)

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Maybe Death Row convicts need typhoons!)

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies (This is why I've never had a flu shot)

- Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors (Just give them a basketball court, already!)