Wednesday, May 20, 2009

F*** My Life - Star Trek and Desperate Housewives

As always, from (with my comments added in).

Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML [Hyperion - Obviously this girl wasn't MB's Dragon, or the parents would be dancing for joy.]

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML [Assuming that time spent with mom was dinner earlier in the evening, and not at the strip insane is this girl? Then again, if she (apparently) lives with him or has access to his place, why wasn't she out partying? Maybe she had to work. All I know is that she's psycho...I bet the sex is great.]

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML [Hyperion - There is no excuse for a woman w/out medical issues to be 35 w/out having had an orgasm. Clearly this chick can give herself one; what was she doing the last 20 years?]

Today, my daughther said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML [Hyperion - If you're buying your underage daughter a thong, you're probably not the kind of mother who deserves a ton of love.]

Today, my dad got really drunk. When I was about to go to bed, he was just coming out of the bathroom, he was fully naked, I immediately turned away and said "Okay Dad, time for bed". Thinking that I was my mum, he replied with "That's right bitch, I'm your daddy, I'll show you in bed". FML [Hyperion - Could be worse. He could've been sober.]

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having terrible sex for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML [Hyperion - You gotta just tip your capt to that kind of come back. I mean, there is NOTHING she can do in response. Brutal.]

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML [Hyperion - Hard to believe a girl who says "burgled" doesn't have more friends.]

Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then proceeds to respond, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML [Hyperion - And that little girl's grandma grew up to be Speaker of the House....]

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML [Hyperion - Women say they want us to communicate, but they don't mean it.]

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML [Hyperion - I'm by no means perfect. I used to get Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman confused, and Jeff Daniels and Jeff Bridges confused, and your guess is as good as mine if it's a Brandy song or a Monica song. But I have never gotten Star Trek and Star Wars confused. Yes, anyone can have a slip of the tongue, but how can you get the two concepts confused? Yet I'm here to tell you: girls do it all the time. It's not enough to break up with them, though. Here's the key: are they willing to watch Star Wars, and only occasionally talk about how cute teh Ewoks are? If so, you can put up with the name mixups and their referring to Stormtroopers as "Marshmallow Men."]

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