Friday, May 01, 2009


I tried to hold off on posting more of my favorite FMLs (from I really did. But FML completes me. Don't hate.

Here are some of my recent favorites, with occasional comments from me!

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML [Hyperion - Hard to feel sorry for someone who knowingly inflicts Pierce Brosnan's singing on another human being.]

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML [Hyperion - It could have been worse. She could have been dumped by Winnie the Pooh or Yogi. Those are two talking bears you DON'T want to be dumped by. Best-case scenario? Smokey. You just know he'd handle the situation right.]

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML [Hyperion - "There's a fine line between Orgasm and Allergy." I double-dog dare you to work that into a conversation today!]

Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML [Hyperion - I'm with the BF. Here's a tip, kids: if you expect your one and only, or ANYONE, to take your hopes and dreams seriously, don't text them! (Exception: Twittering them from a phone = legitimate)]

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML [Hyperion - I am going to hang out at liquor stores JUST to do this. Hee hee]

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML [Hyperion - I just got a brilliant idea (maybe): porn with all-uggo cast. Why? To help a guy last longer. I don't watch porn, so I'm not sure if this would work. I need the experts out there (Avitable, EvilTwin'sWife, Kalofagus) to weigh in: would this idea work?]

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML [Hyperion - Sage advice for us all.]

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