Thursday, March 12, 2009

F*** My Life

Have you seen SUPERBAD? You know that scene in the liquor store, where McLovin freaks out and accidentally drops a bottle that goes all over everything? The store employee who is supposed to clean it says, "Fuck my life."

[I just found two videos. One is only 34 seconds, but it's really hard to hear. This one you can hear, but after the 34 second mark, the video uploader gets all clever. My advice: turn it off after you hear what you came for.]

My friend Carlos uses the expression quite a bit (and also the "F" My Life equivalent when in mixed company), and he's got me saying.

Well, about a week ago I discovered (on Twitter, of all places), that F*** My Life is an actual website! People post their embarrassing moments, and the audience can judge whether they are truly screwed, or if they deserved it.

Some of them are so hilarious! I started following on Twitter, and have saved some of the funny ones. I'm going to share a few each day for about a week. (Most of them appear to be from kids actually in high school. Any witty comments I make are labeled.)

You are more than encouraged to check out the site:

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, silettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. Im grounded. FML

Hyperion - I cannot even imagine what my dad would do in that situation.

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

Hyperion - I've said it before and I'll say it again: Surprise Parties are not worth the bother!

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and I over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmothers wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

Hyperion - This one made me laugh for ten minutes. If you parse the story out, the guy is a douche-bag (maybe; can't be sure of the situation), but for a mom to just do that.....except, I can see my mom trying to pull that. Sigh.

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

Hyperion - This could have been one of the Monker Barners!

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

Today, I get a phone call from my mother asking me if I'm okay. I was confused, so I asked her what she meant. She then proceeded to tell me that my boyfriend broke up with me and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of no where and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says "I always knew you were a whore." FML

Hyperion - I want to have a kid, just so that I can one day say this to her.

Today, I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained saying I caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML
Hyperion - Good one to end on today. More tomorrow!


Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML

1 comment:

lost goddess said...

F%$#ing funny shit right there!!! I think i am going to be a regular at fml!!!