Wednesday, April 08, 2009

What's this week missing? Oh yeah: FML!

You know you missed it!

Here are more of my favorites from F***

Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML
[Hyperion - I cannot tell you how deeply ashamed I am that I have never hit anyone with a bag of Skittles. This will be remedied and right soon.]

Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML
[Hyperion - If I ever decide to not be a virgin anymore, I'm going to do this to someone.]

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML

Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML
[Hyperion - In his defense, he might have thought it was foreplay.]

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML
[Hyperion - It could be worse. She could've walked in on grandma doin' it doggie-style with her bf. That's pretty much a "kill myself" moment, right? No way you're coming back from that.]

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML
[Hyperion - I spent 10 minutes trying to think of what he could say to the Mom to get out of this, you know, if he had a moment to eat a Twix bar and reflect - and the best I could come up with was, "I'm almost done with the ritual purification so that I may enjoy the food your daughter prepared as a reward."]

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I told my boyfriend not to tell anyone, because I know how boys are. He promises he won't tell. The next day, he wore a shirt saying "Rebecca was Here" with an arrow pointing down. FML
[Hyperion - I am TOTALLY getting these t-shirts made up. You KNOW you'd buy one]

Today, when my boyfriend reffered to my hair, I told him I was going to dye it. He responded by saying, "finally, so how much you going for, 40, maybe 50 pounds?". I said dye it, not diet. FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
[Hyperion - Not for nothin', but she may have turned him on even more that way. Yelling out "Beef Jerky Pizza" would be better than Viagara!]

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

Today, me and my boyfriend were telling each other secrets and I told him i've shaved my upper lip. He said "I know, it's prickly when we make out." FML
[Hyperion - Great; now I have to call every woman I've ever kissed. and Koz. (I haven't kissed him; he's just a womnan.)]

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
[Hyperion - Hell; I'm going to start saying that to random strangers! (By the way, Schrodinger's Kitten tells me this is how she met her Boyfriend.)]

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
[Hyperion - About the only thing on Earth that could make that more embarrassing than that is if it was an Ankle Sock.]

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