Monday, June 21, 2010

F-My-Life - Longest Day Edition

Bringing back an Oldie but a Goody.....

From the hilarious website (where people post about their misfortunes), I have collected some of my favorites, along with my even funnier responses. Enjoy

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML [She picked the wrong pole to walk into!]

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML [Knowing this Fucked-up Country, he probably sued.]

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML [People, I'm going to tell you what I tell all prospective newly-weds who seek my counsel. You need: 3 bank accounts (His, Hers and Y'alls), 2 Bathrooms, 1 Bed and 0 Kids. But whatever you do, get separate bathrooms. You'll thank me later. ]

Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML [I think I'm in love]

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML [Should have waited for a commercial]

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML [Have you ever met someone who says "Frisky"?  Me, neither.]

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tommorow. FML [I love how she only realizes she's "wrong" because of the incorrect date, as if keying the car otherwise was justified. As if he couldn't have had a family emergency, be in the hospital, made the same good-faith error of thinking it was the wrong day or maybe just REALIZING YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO WHO WOULD KEY A CAR OVER BEING STOOD UP WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO FIND OUT ANY DETAILS.]

Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML [Women go to the bathroom?]

Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML [Who pretends to make-out with a friend's dog?  This wouldn't top the Comedy scale in Iowa, honest-to-God Iowa!  Maybe he misunderstood what Penthouse Letters meant by Doggy-style.]

Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML [Tar Heel Women: not exactly making Ken Jennings look over his shoulder, ya know?]

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML [ try to be supportive and accepting, but it's never enough, is it?]

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML [In general I hate conflict, but here I think I would have to make an exception. Tell me that's not a Family Reunion worth attending!]

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML [I don't know what's worse: having your Family think you're gay, or getting fruitcake for Christmas.]

Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML  [This is why I only write bitter songs. (That and the fact that I'm always bitter....)]

Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML  [Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  Of course you are: WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH???]

Today, I was working as a counselor at a fat camp. The kids bet me I couldn't do a sit-up while blindfolded. Never one to turn down a bet from minors, I set out to prove them wrong. When I sat up, my nose went right into a fat kid's buttcrack. FML  [If you're going to spend your Summer as a Counselor at a Fat Camp AND be and idiot, you pretty much deserve whatever Karma has in store for you]

Today, as I was taking a shit in the men's bathroom at a local bar. A man rushes in the bathroom to puke. All the stalls were taken. He kicks in my door and tells me to get out. I say "No, I'm taking a shit". Without warning he pukes all over me, punches me in the face and runs away. FML [With the puking I just felt sorry for the guy - but you have to admit the Punch in the Face raises it to pure Art. Gotta admire that, if only for the Pure Genius Evil]

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML [Hey, it could be worse. If she REALLY wanted him to be like Edward she'd have cut off his dick....]

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML  [Again, how can you be mad at pure Genius like that?  I've read this 50 times and it ALWAYS makes me chuckle. I'm way too nice a person to pull this off, but damn if it wouldn't be fun to try.]

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML [My love for you is on Fire!]

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML [Those pussy pics will get you every time....]

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