Yoga Booty Ballet

Down below Dragon has a post called "Operation Make Hypey Happy." (If you can't remember it, click on the link. DO IT!)

Basically, she asks that people send me things as I have been more or less stuck in my motel room. Dragon suggests beef jerky, ALWAYS 'preciated, and then goes on to ask people to send me pictures of naked or nearly-naked women. She suggests (if you're not into sending me pictures of YOU), that you cut out women in newspaper lingerie ads, or magazines such as Cosmo, Maxim, Playboy (I know for a fact that Lady Jane has a subscription), National Geographic or even Martha Stewart Living. (If nothing else, send me pictures of the food she makes so I can think about food while starving.) Anything but Men's Health, which only Koz reads, for reasons I'll let you figure out.

I know your inclination was to roll your eyes when you read that, but friends, I'm here to tell you it's serious, much more than you realize.

For reasons I'm not entirely sure of, my libido has been off the charts wacky. I know what you're thinking: Hypey being Hypey, but this goes way beyond even my prodigious appetites. I have found myself thinking about sex waaaaaay too much, to the point of distraction.

Women who used to be just average now knock me out of the park, like Courtney Cox. I have always been indifferent to her looks, but I watch FX's Dirt religiously because of her. That's not right.

It's to the point where I even read a female erotica book by an author named Zane. Here is the book.






Here is the Amazon link, so you will know I am not making this up.

People, without going into details, can I just profoundly say that this book was not written for me? Yet I found myself reading it anyway. I told the person who lent it to me that I read it to see how Zane writes erotica, since I have done a fair bit of that myself, but that's not the entire truth.

The Truth is, I need help.

Never has this been more abundantly been made clear to me than with Yoga Booty Ballet.

I have always had a soft spot for infomercials, maybe because I'm late at night and at various times in life have been looking for something to cheer me up.

"If I only had X or Y, I'd be happy!"

This brings us to Yoga Booty Ballet, a set of exercise videos for women.

Before we go any further, I need to prove to you I am not making this up. Please go to the infomercial website and confirm I am telling the truth:

Yoga Booty Ballet

Notice how the "O-G" in Yoga and the "O-O" in Booty are interlinked? That's because it's supposed to remind you of a wonderful posterior.

I cannot tell you how profoundly ashamed I am that I have watched this infomercial.

Several times.

I mean, don't get me wrong: watching a bunch of hot women in tight pants and sports bras gyrate around is nothing to be ashamed of. I used to dream I'd end up with a ballet dancer (for the calves), and I like dancing. And for some reason, I find it ridiculously sexy when they show those Before/After pictures of women who use the program. Don't ask me why.

My moral objection is how much I hate the word "Booty." It's one of those words that just makes me shudder, like fingers on the blackboard. The only time "booty" should EVER be used is by pirates. (And in that case I don't care whether they are talking about stolen treasure or stolen daughters: they are pirates after all.)

In the infomercial the announcer dude continually uses the word "booty" as if that were the "in" term. All of the women--the vast majority white and over 40--use the term too, clearly having been told to do so.

Never have I seen such an appalling attempt to be urban and cool than by co-opting a black word in such a white way. Even Elvis would disapprove.

[This subject actually fascinated me enough to write about other words I hate. Check it out over on The Soap Box.]

Anyway, I appeal to you for help. It pains me to watch Yoga Booty Ballet (which so easily could and should have been called Yoga Body Ballet, which would include the Abs, and have been more comprehensive and less crassly opportunistic), hearing the word "booty" at least 500 times. Yet I seem to have no will power.

So cut Hypey a break, huh?