the only explanation I can find....

I heard the greatest phrase the other night. When someone asks you how you are, whether you mean it or (even better; sarcastically), say back to them, "I'm looking down on creation."

It's classic.

And no, I'm not explaining it to you chowder-heads who don't get the reference. Do a Google search and then hang your heads in shame for not getting it!

Speaking of bulemia, this reminds me of a story about her, but I'll wait until tomorrow to tell it. Ah, screw it, I'll tell it now.

One night we were coming back from the beach. We stopped off at Jim Henson's Family Video (not THAT Jim Henson) and I was looking around. There was an "adult" section and of course I wanted to go in. This wasn't like porno adult, but more like horror film adult. Anyway, I saw the video box for CREEEPSHOW and it defnitely creeped me out.

I mention this because it might have had an influence on what happened. Later, in the car at a gas station, while waiting for my father to fill the tank, we heard a Karen Carpenter song come on. I believe it was "Solitaire," but I'm not positive. Perhaps because of my video experience I told me mom, "It sounds like she's singing from beyond the grave."

Just at that moment the announcer came on to say that they had been playing all Karen Carpenter songs because she had died JUST THAT DAY.

Creepy, huh?

...and crown thy good in people-hood

Hyperion Nation reader Dominique sent in this article about sexist national anthems.

I don't have anything witty to say, but I'm hoping you all make up the slack in your comments.

(Try not to swear so much, Dusty. My mom does visit this site occasionally, after all.)

Worst Internet Videos

Gorilla Mask is running the "worst internet video clips of the year." You remember a couple of years ago that Star Wars kid, who twirled a make-believe light saber?

Then last year it was this guy doing the "Numa Numa" song
2004

This year there are several candidates:

The world's worst lighter-tricks instructor:Nominee #1

A guy in front of one of those cameras you see at Electronics Stores: Nominee #2

The worst sportscaster of all time (giving us the immortal "boom goes the dyynamite"): Nominee #3

and perhaps the best, a girl's musical rendition of "Will you go to the prom with me?" (Make sure you watch until the grandma shows up. You have my word you'll pee yourself): Nominee #4

(....and dance and dance and dance and dance and dance and dance....)

Everybody Hates Chris

UPN is so excited about their new sitcom ("Everybody Hates Chris") that they are letting you watch it for free if you missed it last Thursday night.

If you didn't know, "Everybody Hates Chris" is the brainchild of Chris Rock, about his life growing up in Brooklyn. Rock narrates each scene. I've seen the pilot, and it's funny, edgy, and suprisingly sweet. This could really be a winner.

What you need to do is go to Google Movies and type in "Everybody Hates "Chris." The pilot is about 22 minutes and you can watch it in streaming video from now until the next episode airs (Thursday night).

This is a sweet gift, so take advantage.

Bear vs. Lion

Admit it: your entire life you've wondered what would happen if a bear and a lion fought.

Apparently our good friends in Korea wondered the same thing.

Now, if it had been a male lion and say a brown bear we'd have a show. But I'll settle for a female lion and a black bear, under the theory that "any bear-lion fight is good."

So here's my question:

WHO WINS?

Nigh! (Says I)

I'm torn between declaring the end of the world is nigh, and wondering if they come in periwinkle

Third Horseman rounds the corner

Why can't I have one for a pet?

When animals get funky

(I think my favorites are the alligator-turkeys and the iguana-lions)

signing off

I have reprinted a column from 2003 over on the Hyperion Institute. This will be the last thing run on any of the sites at least until Monday, except for an addition I will be making to that column at midnight tonight, provided I survive.

no mas

I had an epiphany this morning. I suddenly asked myself, "why the hell am I busting my hump to write these new show reviews if no one cares?" I'm not looking for sympathy or hating. Obviously this is just a market where my expertise isn't that valued. That's cool. I know there's plenty of things I have to offer. But I'm gonna quit doing these little reviews. You can figure out on your own what's good. There still are some new shows premiering, including MY NAME IS EARL tonight that's supposed to be good, INVASION tomorrow after LOST (definitely gonna check that out), and on Thursday the premiere of EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS. And since I'm giving out advice, Thursday's CSI premiere involves last year's Tarantino-directed finale, so CBS is rerunning the final from last season on Wednesday in case you didn't catch the first time. Personally I'll be on the LOST-INVASION train, and probably check out E-RING because my dad wants to, but that CSI episode is easily the best one they ever did, so if you're a fan and somehow missed it...

Anway, since I already wrote two reviews (THRESHOLD and SURFACE) I went ahead and posted them over on the movie site. Short answer: both were entertaining, especially SURFACE, which is probably the best new show I've seen yet. Check out the reviews and see if there's anything you like, and I'll try not to bug you on TV any more for awhile.

Simpson mates

Since I'm not doing the Simpsons Top Ten List this week, here's the next best thing:

What if Simpsons' characters mated?

My favorite is Marge and Mr. Burns.

by any other name....

They say the smarter you are the longer this will take you. Should I be worried this took me 20 seconds?

PETALS AROUND THE ROSE

Church of the FSM

For several months I've been planning a serious of columns on IDT (Intelligent Design Theory) and Evolution. This will kick off with the best scientific article I've read this year. Period.

However, that's not for several weeks. In the meantime, the Church of the Flying Speghetti Monster has a few things to say.

I especially love their graph. I want to see more science that involves pirates!

Katrina: The Gathering

I used to have nerdy friends who played MAGIC: THE GATHERING.

Were you just like them?

Anyway, for those of you who can't resist, we bring you '

KATRINA: THE GATHERING

Google Blogger

I sort of resist the title "blogger," since what I really did was adapt my column to this space.

However, Google Blogger is pretty sweet.

I typed in "Graitch" and guess what: every single entry was mine!

Lions v. Hyenas

I read a book once where a woman said "men are only good for three things, but very good for those three."

Well, male lions are only good for two things. They don't hunt, they don't look after the young, they basically sleep 22 hours a day. They are much better at creating lion babies than say, a babboon....

but seriously, what else do they even do?

I bet these hyenas wished they never asked that question.

Fantasy Football Week 2

My Fantasy Football team goes for two in a row this week, up against BILOXI INDIANS. Last week I got lucky to get the victory over CAPTAIN OF THE GRAVY TRAIN.

BTW, thanks for nothing on my team name. The Hyperion Nation really let me down.

Children can suffer?

Amen.

(By the way, feel free to start at the beginning and read every single one. The first six months are absolutely hysterical. Make sure you read the daily comments too, which are sometimes even funnier. Warning: you will waste at least two hours of work if you choose to do this.)

I just realized it's September 15. That means only one more week to go.

Time to Eat Pie

Can you eat this pie In only 15 bites?


I keep getting 16, but can't get 15. Can anyone do it?

Still more shows (and resentment)

I hope you all appreciate all the hard work I'm doing watching these new show premieres and reviewing them for you. I don't do this for my health, you know. A little more love thrown my way wouldn't be asking too much, would it?

Three more shows down, all good; check it out over on Movie-Hype.

Child Stars Then and Now

Ever wondered about Winnie from THE WONDER YEARS, Rudy from THE COSBY SHOW, or even Steph from (shudder) FULL HOUSE?

You know you have. What are they doing now? Are they still in show business? And most importantly, did they become hot?

For these and others we have

Child Stars Then and Now

Ah Nintendo....(sniff sniff)

This will be a laugh for anyone who owned the old 8 bit Nintendo.

Sadly, the two people who would enjoy this site, Bear and my brother Achmed, don't read it, but if any of you see them, tell them about it, eh?


Nintendo never sounded so good

Wednesday Update

Mini-reviews of BONES and HOUSE up on the movie site. Tonight I'm checking out the series premieres of SUPERNATURAL, HEAD CASES, and WANTED. Mini-reviews as soon as I can get 'em watched.

Back still not great, but getting better. I hope to God to have review of CONSTANT GARDENER and at least one column out this week, but we'll see.

And finally, after three days, I have a Top Ten list up. Go check it out.

update

An Update on everything going on:

My back has been slowly healing, but then I was poisoned by a chicken Sunday morning, and that has laid me up lately. I saw THE CONSTANT GARDENER over the weekend, and wrote 4 columns, but I can't get them typed up. What I need is a secretary...preferably a hot one.

My Fantasy Football team won over the weekend. Yay! Thanks to none of you ungrateful chowderheads for not helping me with a team name. I ended up going with SNUGGLE BEAR PUSSY POSSE, and even though my team sucks, we're 1-0.

I watched FOX's Sunday lineup finally. My mini reviews of all four shows (including the brand new, has to be seen to be believed THE WAR AT HOME) can be found over at the movie site. Go click and check it out.

Finally (for now), the series preimere of BONES and the season premiere of HOUSE come on tonight. Can't speak for BONES yet (review tomorrow), but it might be worth a look, and does have that dishy Angel in it. As for HOUSE, it was the second best new show last year (behind LOST), and fourth best show period. Tonight starts the second season, and if you haven't gotten into it, now's the time. Go to tvtome.com to catch up on last season, or just jump in and then rent season one on DVD. Along with LOST, it's a must. Or you can write me and if you give me a couple hours' warning, I'll fill you in on anything you need to know.

more as soon as I get feeling a little better. Promise.

Fantasy Football name

Fantasy Football starts tomorrow, and I need to come up with a team name. Personally I like changing my team name often, but the other owners in my league are whiny haters, so I have no choice. I do get to change it as many times as I wish up until the season starts. (Right now I have "Optimus Prime in '08")

I did have someone to talk to about this, but as they are currently ignoring me, I need some help.

I could go with cool, like "Iceland Jedi Dwarves"

Or I could go with mysterious and cryptic, like "The Raspberry Incident"

Or, I could go with funny, like "Condoleezza, will you marry me?"

Or some other category entirely. Plese, Hyperion Nation, you're my only hope!

And then there's Barbara

You people understand why this has become a War of Blame, right? I know it seems stupid, but there are tens of billions of dollars in lost revenue to the South, and even more (perhaps hundreds of billions) in clean-up costs, rebuilding contracts, and just general aid.

Who is going to get that money? The people? Developers? What developers? How is it going to be allocated?

You see what I'm saying? This is the most money to come along for one shot in world history. Of course politicians are going to be fighting over it.

With that pespective, any Democrat with an ounce of common sense is going to pounce all over what Barbara Bush said on National Public Radio.

And perhaps they should. At the very least (I doubt it was racist), her comments were stone stupid and insensitive. In the larger scheme, they do her son, already reeling from searing criticism, no favors.

(And I did hear this snippet myself, so I can assure you the link I sent you is accurate, right down to the chuckle. Total moron.)

more reaction to Katrina

Alert reader Koz sent this op/ed piece in.

I read it quickly twice, and from first blush there's some good stuff in there, worthy of adding to our debate. Of course, anytime you read an op/ed piece, the writer usually has an agenda, and it's no different here. Notice how the author (obviously Republican) uses perjorative words like "dithering" to describe several prominent Democrats. (Not that he's wrong, but it's a subtle thing journalists do to sway debate.)

That said, the dude also gives Bush a jab for not getting there sooner. Not getting into the argument yet about why aid didn't arrive to the South earlier and who's responsible (we will get into that, but in time), I think it's clear that at the very least, Bush should have dropped everything from the beginning and simply been there. One thing my dad taught me is that as a pastor, when people are sick and dying you can't heal them and ease their pain. But you can be there for them, for their families; your simple presence is what's needed. In a tragedy of this nature Bush is the de facto national pastor, and should have been there earlier. (But I'm glad he's there now.)

Anyway, read this Washinton Times Op/Ed piece, and see what you think. Maybe you don't agree with the guy's assessment. Send me a rebuttal piece you came across that's well written, and I'll put that up here too. Or write your own, as like I said, we will be getting into this.

TV update

So far I've cut out re-runs and for the moment am sticking just to things I haven't seen.

I am going to try some new programs, in the hopes a couple might be good. So far one of the few I've tried is PRISON BREAK (the second episode ran last night). The show is about a man who comits a crime to get INTO prison, with the intent of breaking his brother out, who's on Death Row. So far it's far-fetched but entertaining. There are a lot of plot threads up in the air, and I don't know if they producers will be able to continue the suspense, but they've earned a shot at it in my book. Until 24 comes back PRISON BREAK will do the trick.

Tonight I try the premiere (up here, at least) of OVER THERE, a controversial show about the war in Iraq. I'll let you know tomorrow how it was.

Maybe It's Me (Part 3)

Haven't done one of these in a while.

I'm glad that I'm going to be limiting TV, because lately everywhere I looked were these stupid Cahrmin commericals. Have you seen them? They show a family of bears using Charmin toilet paper, learning that with Charmin's ultra padding (or whatever), less is more.

This series of commericals bothers me on levels.

First, is there anyone out there who is capable of watching television not know what toilet paper is for? Do we really need to see bears wiping themselves? I think you all know I'm not prude, but it's just...unseemly.

And if we they absolutely HAVE to show the toilet paper "in action," why bears? These are among the most noble creatures. To have them demeaned in this way.....

Does this bother anyone else?

Or maybe it's just me.

Kanye West

I'm sure you've already heard this, but just in case you haven't (and because I'm going to be talking about it next week in depth), here are Kanye West's off-the-cuff comments about George Bush and New Orleans last week on a Telethon.

Kanye rips Bush

(Funniest part: watching Mike Meyers try to stay calm at what's going on)

More than meets the mouse

If you're looking to buy me a Christmas present,

this keyboard would be pretty sweet.

(Official keyboard of Autobots everywhere)

Maching-generated anger

So, I've noticed a disturbing trend the last couple of weeks.

I've been getting comments from (people, robots; what?) readers who clearly aren't reading the column. Usually it's a superficial compliment about my site, and then always a link to their own.

I've looked into this (a little), and it would appear that someone gave my site to one of these engines that started all this. I'm not blaming any of you, but if I find out who it was....you're gonna want to clear out of town.

In the meantime, if you do see one of those comments that clearly isn't from someone who actually reads, don't click on their link. I don't want these people to get any more publicity then they already do.

Top 10 Slacker Schools

The Princeton Review has come out with their TOP TEN SCHOOLS WITH THE LEAST STUDYING.

What does it say that I have readers at six of them?

rant about Katrina Coverage

I was going to write this huge rant about the news coverage of Katrina, but then I found that Foamy Squirrel said it better than I could. (For those of you not familiar with Foamy Squirrel, he has a series of rants on Neurotically Yours.)

Yes, there is some langauge in this, but suck it up and go listen to this right now! It has everything I want to say. (The only thing missing is that looters should be shot on sight.)

Foamy praises the news networks for their helpful coverage

not with a bang....

My vacation is officially over, but it ended with a pretty horrible bang. We were trying to get the house read for my parents to come home from their vacation, and I mowed the lawn yesterday. Well, maybe because it was not high enough and awkward bending over or something, but I pulled all the muslces in my lower back. This in turn made me very sick for some reason, so I've been in agony for awhile.

It sucks because Carnivus sent his last chapter, but I can't even sit at the computer very long to get it typed up.

Anyway, I'll get that thing done and regular columns/top ten lists/movie reviews/book reviews/rants will start flowing again, assuming my back heals up soon and I can sit for longer periods.

I have so much to tell you all