Pat Robertson

I would like to talk for a moment about the vile piece of excrement that is Pat Robertson. (Note the objective language here: most people wouldn’t have stopped with the mild “excrement.”)

Robertson—as long time readers might recall—is the reason I stopped being white several years ago. I think I wrote about it in a potpourri. Let me see if I can find it.

[Hyperion roots around in his root cellar for ten minutes]

Ah, here it is, from #107 Potpourri, Volume XV”

I heard Pat Robertson say the reason 9/11 happened is that God removed his hand of protection from America because of its immoral behavior. I know how most Muslims feel, reviled that they are associated with sick terrorists killing in God's name. That's how I feel. It turns my stomach to have such a bigot use the name of Christ to defend his views. That is why, in the spirit of being more like the cable guy and less like Pat Robertson, I am officially giving up my white status. It’s just time: I’m already so cool and deck I hardly have any white blood in me at all, but I am now going all the way. I refuse to classify myself as a color anymore (with the possible exception of Periwinkle, should that ever be a choice), because as my friend Jerrica pointed out, colors are stupid anyway. No one is actually black or white or red or yellow. From this day on, I’m just me. And that’s enough for anybody.

That’s all for now. Don’t shoot ‘till you see that whites…

Truer words were never spoken. Sadly—unless you’re a late-night comedian—Pat Robertson is back at it again.

A couple of years ago he got in trouble for praying on his nationally televised show (‘The 700 Club”) for Supreme Court Justices to be killed. I remember being aghast at the time and my dad—while not defending the guy; even he thinks Robertson’s a whacko—tried to explain it was Robertson’s Calvinist background that made him think he could get away with it.

Whatever.

Now, Robertson has again called for someone’s death; this time the president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. (To be fair: many consider Chavez to be a brutal dictator.)

This in itself isn’t that big a deal. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we could all do with a fewer Venezuelans around. (Except Venezuelan Single Mothers, as we here at the Hyperion Institute support Single Mothers of every size, shape and shimmying abilities.)

But here’s where it gets truly sick. Robertson hits the cable news networks proclaiming that he was taken out of context. He called for the dictator to be “taken out,” which could mean removed from office. And while I loathe Pat Robertson with the same venom usually reserved for Child Abuse, the Snuggle Bear and the theme song for Saved By the Bell: the College Years, I had to admit it was possible people were spinning this. After all, the news media isn’t much higher on the food chain than ol’ 700 himself. Here’s a direct quote from Robertson on the 700 Club a few nights later.

"I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out.' And 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping; there are a number of ways to take out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP [Associated Press], but that happens all the time," Robertson said on "The 700 Club" program.

Then I saw the program making all the fuss. Not a clip. The program. (Up here in Canada we’re a bit behind.) People, there is absolutely no doubt in the world Robertson was talking about killing Chavez. I wrote down the most damning part when I heard it, and I think I have it word for word:

"If he [Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it...."

You know, if Robertson had just been a man and stood by his word, I might have—for the first time in forever—have agreed with him. After all, there are many brutal dictators I would happily strangle. (Not Chavez, but you get my point.) Instead, Robertson does that famous politician’s dance, by saying he didn’t actually SAY assassination. True. But he used another form of the word! And by “take him out,” Robertson meant kill Chavez!!!!

Here me, Pat Robertson fans (although one hopes none of you are reading): Robertson has now sunk to the level of Bill Clinton. Not only saying and believing things that turn your stomach, but then prevaricating around the word usage.

Seriously: someone should take Pat Robertson out.

Of the 700 Club.

Anyway they can.

But don’t kill him.

Leave that for me.