Dark Side of the Lens

Charles Bronson - Mandom Cologne (greatest commercial ever?)

Allow me to make your day Awesome by showing you the greatest commercial in the history of television. I don't know what I love more, the homo-eroticism with the piano-player (where's his freaking date?), the Mickey Rooney doorman, or how he puts his cologne on by shooting bullets of it all over his skin. This commercial was made BEFORE Death Wish, which actually helps explain the movie. God bless the Japanese.

Super Awesome Christmas Hats from Hatland.com

I like looking through the Hatland.com website because it's one of the few places that regularly stocks hats my size. I was browsing through the other day and saw a "Holiday" section, and simply loved these three.





Santa vs. Turkey (Who Ya Got?)

How on Earth has this not been made into a treasured Holiday special? (buy it here)






Christmas Lights

I think this looks sweet. Maybe I'm an idiot. They also had it in white, but black makes the most sense. (Buy it here)






Santa Skull

Don't know why, but this just spoke to me. (Buy it here)



IMPORTANT NOTE - all pictures are copyrighted by hatland.com - I hope they won't mind me borrowing them since I'm giving a plug.  So you know, I do this of my own accord because I love the hats. I get no payment or kickback of any kind.

Cat vs. Cat. vs. Crow vs. Crow (Who Ya Got?)

Ever feel like you've been in one of these fights? I have. 


So what was it about? 


ODDS
4-1  - over Territory
5-1  - over Food
8-1  - over Money
1-3  - over a chick. 


It's always over a chick. 

First Christmas Joke of 2010

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.  "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes the spirit Christmas to get into heaven." 


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents the Advent Candle," he said. 


"You may pass through the pearly gates."  Saint Peter said. 


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "The ringing of the bells."


Saint Peter nodded in approval and ushered the man in. 


The third man has been searching desperately through his pockets the whole time and finally pulled out a pair of lacy red women's panties. 


St. Peter stares at the man, raising his eyebrow in question. "And how how do these symbollize Christmas?" 


The man says, "They're Carol's."

YOUR HIGHNESS Trailer

I totally wasn't a fan of PINEAPPLE EXPRESS (by the same director) but this Trailer (WHICH IS R-RATED WITH SOME BAD LANGUAGE SO BE CAREFUL AT WORK) plays like PRINCESS BRIDE Starring KENNY POWERS.  It looks absolutely hilarious.

Green Lantern Trailer

Not sure if I'm excited about this or not.....

Spring Break - uh, Belly Dancer?

Rather than make fun, I shall make it my goal this weekend to be as happy as she appears:

Shaq as Beyonce for Halloween

I don't know how to say this, but Shaq makes for one fine-lookin' 7'1" 350 lb woman

Groovy Pumpkins

Jadriana sent me this kick-ass Pumpkin song.  "Blue Moon" is one of the best Oldies songs, and Pumpkins just makes it better!

"Stand back, fancy pants...I show you how to sing a classic....Maestro?"

Cee Lo Green - "F*** You!"

I have been singing this song all night to cheer me up.  There's no getting around it - the lyrics are not safe for work, as it contains swear words.  That said, you might get away with it, as it's so cheerful in the best do-wop fashion. No matter how prudish you are when it comes to swearing. I defy you not to be charmed by Cee Lo's cheerful hatred. (by the way - "Cheerful Hatred" = Best Emo Band Name EVER)





by the way - when Cee Lo sings, "I pity the fool who falls in love with you" the back-up singers pop up and sing, "Oh shit, she's a gold digger.....just thought you should know nigga" - and they do it so cheerfully - it slays me. I know that word is very controversial and all and I'm not trying to litigate it here, but if ever there was a song that would make people smile at innocuous use, it's here.

Pre-Halloween Weekly Comics

How chicks look at the world....





and how guys look at the world....









I've been saying this all week. Of course I am all alone in my room and never see anyone, but it's the thought that counts when it comes to comedy.






Finally - as usual, Andy says it better than I ever could....





if I ever go anywhere again, I will be saying this for sure.

 

woman hitting head

Jay Pharoah's impressions

Jay Pharoah makes his debut on Saturday Night Live tonight, known notably for his President Obama impression.  Here are several impressions he does (the Obama one starts at about 6:14 in)

P.O.D. - Armful of Pussy

In conjunction with August 10 - International Boop an Animal Day

Best Dilbert in years

I am SO saying this the next time I'm overheard talking on the phone in public.

Inappropriate Joke #3

Q: Why couldn't Heller Keller Drive?

A: She was a woman.

Inappropriate Joke #2

3 men walk into a bar. One orders a beer, another orders a shot, and the last one orders a whiskey. I don't know how the rest of the joke goes but your mother is a whore.

Inappropriate Joke #1

Over on International Day it is International Inappropriate Joke Day, and in honor of that, I felt I should do my part.  Here's the first one.

Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of Rome.

One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

P.O.D. - Intrigue

I have no idea what this picture means, but it totally intrigues me. I want to write a story about it.

Sharktopus

Oh SyFy, how I love you!

Whatever you were planning for September 25th, cancel it.  You, me, and everybody are watching Sharktopus! It will be Mystery Science Theater 300,000!

Bargain Matinee

A few weeks ago I joined Amazon Associates, which allowed me (in theory) to make a small % if anyone bought an Amazon product based off my recommendation.  I was leery about this plan - I DON'T like the idea of pimping - but I reasoned that many of my columns discuss Movies and TV, and as long as I never compromised my professional Review opinion, why not?  After all, you have to buy the stuff somewhere, why not buy it by clicking on one of my links?

If you noticed (or maybe you didn't), I haven't done this a whole lot.  I never want my website to be Commercial, and am trying to use judicious selectivity. (That's why I wrote "in theory" in the above paragraph: so far no one has taken me up on my links.)

This brings me to yesterday, when I came across Movie prices so fantastic I couldn't pass them up.  And, I wanted to pass them on to you.  I'm not trying to be a corporate shill or anything, but wait until you see these prices.  If you do like any of the options, feel free to use my links.  Like I said, you'll be helping me out.

(The other reason I am doing this today: I can't guarantee how long the great prices will be available, so if you want it, snap it up now! Oh, and notice how I'm bringing you these great deals, which by definition lowers any commission I would make?  Yeah, I'm a hero.  Feel free to buy 3x as much because of this.)

SOLID RECOMMENDATIONS

MOTION IN THE OCEAN

I think we can all agree that Steven Soderberg hit it out of the park with the first OCEAN movie, as did Clooney, Pitt, et al.  The two sequels had their moments, but were kinda misfires.  That said, right now Amazon has all three current Ocean movies (OCEAN'S ELEVEN, OCEAN'S TWELVE, OCEAN'S THIRTEEN), plus also the 1960 Frank Sinatra Dean Martin original OCEAN'S 11 - all for $8.99.  What did I say about amazing prices?  I would pay $9 just for ELEVEN, so to get all four is an awesome deal. 

ENOUGH ACTION TO PUT YOU IN TRACTION

Next up in the recommendations is what Amazon is calling the "Extreme Action" set.  You get Wesley Snipes in PASSENGER 57 (which isn't great, but is strangely watchable because of all the cheesy lines).  Then you get Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans in an undeniably bad movie that I somehow love - THE LAST BOYSCOUT.  An underrated Arnold Schwarzenegger flick - also starring James Caan and a still-young-enough-to-be-super-hot Vanessa Williams - ERASER.  Finally, my favorite of the four - Bridget Fonda and Gabriel Byrne in the sultry sleek THE POINT OF NO RETURN. I always watch this movie when it comes on TV, and it's even better on DVD because no editing!  You get all four movies for only $7.99.  That's 2 bucks a movie!!!

OFFICIAL STONE-CUTTERS RECOMMENDATION

What can I say about Police Academy movies?  You love them...or you suck!  I mean, c'mon!  They got that guy from M*A*S*H - great bad guy.  Hightower!  Oh, and the sound-effects guy.  What was his name?  Well, I forget, but he's played by Michael Winslow, and how we didn't come up with a way to continually put him in TV and movies for the last 20 years is a collective failure for America.  I think even Kim Cattrall was in one of the movies, back when she didn't need a walker and stuff.  Hell - they made Steve Gutenberg look good.  Beat that!

You get the first four Police Academy movies (POLICE ACADEMY, POLICE ACADEMY 2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT, POLICE ACADEMY 3: BACK IN TRAINING and POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL) for $7.99.  Not even Kim Cattrall's that cheap!

MILD (VERY MILD) RECOMMENDATIONS

ON THE SLY

I'm not as big a Sly fan as some people, but back in the day he still could bring it.  I do not recommend (but it's part of the package) - THE SPECIALIST (have you ever seen less chemistry than between Stallone and Stone? Ugh.), while I'm more so-so on OVER THE TOP. I have a soft spot in my heart for DEMOLITION MAN, mostly because it's our first look ever at Sandra Bullock and Wesley Snipes, who seems to be having a lot of fun.  But what makes this four-pack (for only $7.49!) a winner is TANGO AND CASH, which is just about my favorite Stallone movie. Whereas Sly and Sharon couldn't generate ANY heat, Kurt and Sly just tear up the screen.  Totally underrated mindless '80s movie, and makes the whole thing worth it. 

WHEN BUDDHA MET BLACKBELT

If Steven Seagal is in on the joke he's one of the greatest comedians of all time.  That's the thing with him - I can't tell.  He may actually be taking himself seriously....which makes him even funnier.  I haven't seen THE GLIMMER MAN, but it has another Wayans brother, and you can't tell me you've ever HATED any of them. I'm not saying they always make good stuff, but like the Baldwins, you can never just hate. FIRE DOWN BELOW is only so-so, and while Seagal's most famous movie is UNDER SIEGE, I never cared for it all that much, but hey, it's included. The one of these four I really kind of like is ABOVE THE LAW, which co-stars Sharon Stone, Pam Grier and Ron Silver, and has more cornball lines than an Iowa State Farm.  Always cracks me up, and for $7.49, not bad if you like Seagal. 

I CAN'T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE RECOMMEND ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, BUT THE PRICES ARE FANTASTIC, SO IF YOU'RE INTO IT, HAVE AT IT 

Stephen King series - DREAMCATCHER, CREEPSHOW, CAT'S EYE (and the one I sorta like) DOLORES CLAIRBORNE - $7.49

 

HOUSE PARTY 1-4 - only for the haircuts and some pretty dope fly jiggy music. ($7.99)

THE BACHELOR, BED OF ROSES, LAWS OF ATTRACTION, DON JUAN DEMARCO - chicks, don't ever say I do nothing for you.  I like about 15 minutes of LAWS OF ATTRACTION, and I can never get over how Marlon Brando is supposed to be sexy even looking like a bloated whale (not that I'm one to talk) - plus the DEMARCO one let's me tell my Bryan Adams story. You know the song (from the film) "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" - when Bryan sings "N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes" - well, you know how he draws out "eyes" for like 6 syllables, and makes it kinda hard to understand?  My mom was listening to that once with me and thought Bryan sang, "N' when you can see your unborn children in her a-a-ass."  (Do NOT tell her I told you that story or she will be super mad at me.) - $7.49

To make my friend Carlos happy - you can get four Dracula movies, of questionable quality, but hey. You can get HORROR OF DRACULA, DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE, THE BLOOD OF DRACULA and one I've actually seen (don't ask) - DRACULA A.D. Personally I feel these are only good if you're going to have a Mystery Science Theater 3000 type of party and make fun of them - which actually isn't a bad idea (and might get me to watch THE BACHELOR again) - but Carlos would want to defend the films as high quality. However, this is my column, not his, so they suck. ($7.49)

ONLY IF YOU'RE DESPERATE

Urban Action Collection: 4 Film Favorites (Black Belt Jones / Black Samson / Hot Potato / Three the Hard Way) ($8.49)

Richard Pryor Collection: 4 Film Favorites (Greased Lightning / Moving / The Mack / Uptown Saturday Night) ($7.49)

Elvis Presley Musicals: 4 Film Favorites (Kissin' Cousins / Live a Little Love a Little / Girl Happy / Tickle Me) ($7.49)

Elvis Presley Classics: 4 Film Favorites (Jailhouse Rock / It Happened at the World's Fair / Stay Away Joe / Charro) ($7.99)

See actual movie reviews (instead of shameless shilling) that Hyperion has written at MOVIE HYPE

Return to theHyperion Institute Home Page (and possibly win a prize)

Shower story pics I couldn't use

Over on HYPERION AFTER DARK I posted the story "Shower"

I had a lot of pictures for that story, too many to use in the text, but I liked the pictures, so I am posting the ones I didn't use here:

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?


1. F_ _K 
2. PU_S_ 
3. S_X 
4. P_N_S 
5. BOO_S 
6. _ _NDOM 














Answers: 


1. FORK 
2. PULSE 
3. SIX 
4. PANTS 
5. BOOKS 
6. RANDOM 


You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

New Trailers at INCEPTION

One of the cool things about seeing a Midnight Premiere of a new blockbuster movie is that you get the newest (and potentially bestest) Trailers.  INCEPTION was no exception. (heh heh...that rhymed!) There were six Trailers - five of them brand new! I have them below, along with a few comments.




TRON: LEGACY


My friend Carlos thinks TRON: LEGACY will be bigger than AVATAR.  I think it's more realistic to shoot for being bigger than AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER. Cool preview, though.




WALL STREET 2: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS


The first WALL STREET was fantastic.  No reason this one can't be good, too, I suppose, but I'm not clamoring for it.  I'm more curious to see if male movie-goers connect to the love interest (Carey Mulligan) having shorter hair than the guy (Shia LaBeouf).  Guys tend to like longer hair.  (Not that I'm judging you short haired gals.  Way to buck the trend and rely on your personalities to get men!)




THE TOWN


"From the acclaimed Director of GONE BABY GONE" is scrawled up on screen, which made me giggle.  Not that GBG was a bad movie - it was terrific.  it's just that Ben Affleck directed it.  Affleck, whom I have criticized more than a few times for some of his acting choices and performances, DID do a great job directing that film, but he (still) has so little credibility that they have to downplay his role there, and hope people just remember it was a great film.  THE TOWN looks promising - set in Boston, about criminals...good stuff.  The only warning sign - Affleck is IN this one.  I'm not saying he can't ever give a good performance, but directing oneself is a different proposition than directing others.  I guess we'll see.




DEVIL


Do me a favor: watch the Trailer before you read the rest of this comment.  Are you back?  Good.  I thought the Trailer was incredibly bad-ass, as did everyone in the theater.  I will say, though, that when the credits started appearing at the end the Audience started laughing derisively and booing.  Just goes to show you what expectations can do, which is too bad, because this looks like a terrific concept.  I know I'm intrigued.





DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS - Most of you have seen this Trailer, so there's no need for extensive commentary, but check it out on YouTube if you haven't. (Looks pretty great.)





DUE DATE


Zach Galifianakis went from not getting his Comedic due to being in every other movie coming out.  At some point he risks over-exposure, but I suppose you got to get it while it's hot if you're an actor.  Robert Downey Jr. has always had fantastic comic timing, and even though I got just the barest hint of "better on paper than in execution" feelings ("Let's put RDJ and ZG on the road together!"), I'm still optimistic this will be a scream.

PIRANHA 3D Trailer

Holy Cow this is awesome!

Broccoli proposes Marriage

I'm not sure how I feel about Broccoli proposing marriage.  Ignoring the idea of - what woman would possibly like this - the bigger question: should a woman really marry Broccoli?

If not, what vegetable would be appropriate?

How to Trick People into thinking you're good-looking

I've watched this video five times. It totally cracks me up.  The best part is...I think she's kidding, but I can't be 100% sure.

I know people who try to look like this.  I....wish I could name names.  Better let the video speak for itself.






Thanks to Adrienne for showing this to me.

Double Rainbow

Not sure what's better - the Double Rainbow, or the grown man crying like a baby when he finds it:

HE-MAN THE MOVIE

I'm sure it's not real, but MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, the movie?  Sweet!





"I HAVE THE POWERRRRRR!!!!"

Green Hornet Trailer

I've never been a fan of Seth Rogen, so part of me is 'spicious....but I'm willing to keep an open mind:

P.O.D. - Ummmmmmm

F-My-Life - Longest Day Edition

Bringing back an Oldie but a Goody.....




From the hilarious website http://www.fmylife.com/ (where people post about their misfortunes), I have collected some of my favorites, along with my even funnier responses. Enjoy






Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML [She picked the wrong pole to walk into!]




Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML [Knowing this Fucked-up Country, he probably sued.]






Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML [People, I'm going to tell you what I tell all prospective newly-weds who seek my counsel. You need: 3 bank accounts (His, Hers and Y'alls), 2 Bathrooms, 1 Bed and 0 Kids. But whatever you do, get separate bathrooms. You'll thank me later. ]






Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML [I think I'm in love]






Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML [Should have waited for a commercial]








Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML [Have you ever met someone who says "Frisky"?  Me, neither.]






Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tommorow. FML [I love how she only realizes she's "wrong" because of the incorrect date, as if keying the car otherwise was justified. As if he couldn't have had a family emergency, be in the hospital, made the same good-faith error of thinking it was the wrong day or maybe just REALIZING YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO WHO WOULD KEY A CAR OVER BEING STOOD UP WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO FIND OUT ANY DETAILS.]






Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML [Women go to the bathroom?]




Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML [Who pretends to make-out with a friend's dog?  This wouldn't top the Comedy scale in Iowa, honest-to-God Iowa!  Maybe he misunderstood what Penthouse Letters meant by Doggy-style.]






Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML [Tar Heel Women: not exactly making Ken Jennings look over his shoulder, ya know?]




Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML [Chicks...you try to be supportive and accepting, but it's never enough, is it?]




Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML [In general I hate conflict, but here I think I would have to make an exception. Tell me that's not a Family Reunion worth attending!]






Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML [I don't know what's worse: having your Family think you're gay, or getting fruitcake for Christmas.]












Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML  [This is why I only write bitter songs. (That and the fact that I'm always bitter....)]






Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML  [Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  Of course you are: WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH???]






Today, I was working as a counselor at a fat camp. The kids bet me I couldn't do a sit-up while blindfolded. Never one to turn down a bet from minors, I set out to prove them wrong. When I sat up, my nose went right into a fat kid's buttcrack. FML  [If you're going to spend your Summer as a Counselor at a Fat Camp AND be and idiot, you pretty much deserve whatever Karma has in store for you]






Today, as I was taking a shit in the men's bathroom at a local bar. A man rushes in the bathroom to puke. All the stalls were taken. He kicks in my door and tells me to get out. I say "No, I'm taking a shit". Without warning he pukes all over me, punches me in the face and runs away. FML [With the puking I just felt sorry for the guy - but you have to admit the Punch in the Face raises it to pure Art. Gotta admire that, if only for the Pure Genius Evil]






Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML [Hey, it could be worse. If she REALLY wanted him to be like Edward she'd have cut off his dick....]




Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML  [Again, how can you be mad at pure Genius like that?  I've read this 50 times and it ALWAYS makes me chuckle. I'm way too nice a person to pull this off, but damn if it wouldn't be fun to try.]






Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML [My love for you is on Fire!]

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML [Those pussy pics will get you every time....]