PRISON BREAK update

Since FOX is reairing PRISON BREAK Thursday night, I wrote a mini review over on Movie Hype

Check out the review and then check out the show.

Prison Break

There's a show called "Prison Break" starting tonight. Got quite a bit of buzz.

The premise is that a guy gets him self intentionally thrown into prison, so the he can help his brother break out. His brother, btw, is on Death Row.

The show is supposed to be 24-esque as far as the action goes, so I figure it's worth checking out. Try it yourself and let me know what you thought.

I didn't get a cake, but I did make some Graitch....

Yesterday started off pretty terribly for me.

Went to Denny's; closed for renovations. You'd think after all the love I show those servers one of them would give me a heads up. I got all dressed and headed into town and everything. Plus, since it was the anniversary of my birth as Hyperion, I would have gotten a free meal! Total Hatred.

Then I was sick most of the day. I wanted to go see a movie or something, but had to stay close to the bathroom all day, as I never knew which end it was coming out of. I don't write that to be gross, but you've all been there. You know how much that sucks.

The worst part was that my family and close friends didn't call. I don't know why I stressed over that. I haven't made that big a deal about the anniversary of my physical birth for some time. I guess maybe it was because this day was so personal, and with me writing the column last year explaining everything. I don't know. Maybe my defenses were down because I was sick. About 12:30 last night my dad finally called, and I got all excited, but he was just checking in from vacation, and didn't even know what day it was.

Sad and pathetic Hyperion.

However, earlier in the day I did get a card from a sexy pirate, so that was good. And then the bestest thing happened. Someone told me they sent me something, and I went out and walked the quarter mile to the mail box (don't even get me started on that, Canada), to find nothing. Figuring it was just slow mail, I came back home. But I ended up talking to that person about 2 in the morning, and she told me what she sent came by Purolator, which sounds like a Heating Company, but is Canada's version of Fed-Ex.

So I went to the front door and opened it and lo and behold there was a package sitting there! I was so happy I did the little Snoopy dance right there on the porch. And the gift turned out to be a pen with my name engraved on it! You all know how I love pens with the same fervor usually reserved for beef jerky and world domination.

So, it turned out to be an okay day after all. Hugs to all pirates and dragons.

(And remind me sometime to write a column on the worst birthday I ever had)

More Pat Robertson Quotes

Following up the last article, in case you really want to just revel in how evil Pat Robertson is (and torment your ultra-ultra-ultra conservative friends), here are some quotes of Robertson through the years. (I got them from Wikipedia, in case you want more.) If I have a comment I put it in [brackets].

• "Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." - 1992 GOP Convention [HYPERION’S COMMENT: This was first real introduction to this loony. I remember sitting there watching his speech and hearing Robertson saying that and spilling spaghetti that I was eating down my shirt.]

• "If anybody understood what Hindus really believe, there would be no doubt that they have no business administering government policies in a country that favors freedom and equality." [1] [HYPERION’S COMMENT: At some point you’ll start to wonder if Robertson isn’t really a fantastic comedian himself putting one over on all of us. Keep reading and you’ll see what I mean.]

• "If you go all the way back to the days just following creation, men lived nine hundred years or more." - Answers to 200 of Life's most Probing Questions [HC: This isn’t the worst thing ever, as quite a few people believe this, but I still find it funny. Plus, on the off chance my mom reads this, I want to make her mad.]

• "I have never met [Liberan Dictator] Taylor in my life. I don't know what he has done or hasn't done. I do know he was elected by the people, and he has maintained a relatively stable government in Liberia; and they observe the rule of law; they have a working legislature; they have courts. And though he may have certain dictatorial powers, so do most leaders in Africa." (talking about Liberia) [HC: I only include this to show Robertson’s rampant hypocrisy (I originally wrote a whole post on this but then tossed it. ) Taylor was more brutal than Chavez could dream of, but Robertson had a financial relationship with Taylor. Huge surprise that in this case, Robertson supports the dictator. Also, and I’m not hating, but Taylor claimed to be Baptist, like Robertson. Hmmm…]

• "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period." [HC: Where are these women? Do they even exist?]

• "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." (Interview with Molly Ivins) [HC: Oh yes. Not a week goes by when I don’t see some fairy in a SS outfit goose-stepping his way down the aisles of my dad’s church to cart the Christians off to death camps.]

• [Planned Parenthood] is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism – everything that the Bible condemns. [HC: If only the Bible had a passage about judging not lest ye be judged. Oh, wait….]

• "Presbyterians are the spirit of the Antichrist." (The Best Democracy Money Can Buy, p. 85) [HC: Be honest, has Chris Rock or Robin Williams ever made you laugh this hard? At some point we really admit that Robertson is the world’s greatest comedian.]

• "The Antichrist is probably a Jew alive in Israel today." [HC: He’s also a Presbyterian.]

• "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." [HC: I know I had this before, but it’s worth reading again.]

• "The Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves. Why would the people in America want to embrace the religion of slavers." [HC: Just so we’re clear, this is the same America that had nothing to do with the slave trade at all. Whatsoever.]

• "We have allowed rampant secularism and occult, et cetera, to be broadcast on television. We have permitted somewhere in the neighborhood of 35 to 40 million unborn babies to be slaughtered in our society. We have a Court that has essentially stuck its finger in God's eye and said, 'We're going to legislate you out of the schools, we're going to take your Commandments from off the courthouse steps in various states, we're not going to let little children read the Commandments of God, we're not going to let the Bible be read -- no prayer in our schools.' We have insulted God at the highest levels of our government. And, then we say 'why does this happen?' Well, why its happening is that God Almighty is lifting His protection from us." (in response to the 9/11 attacks) [HC the aforementioned “Hyperion is no longer white” speech. Look, you may have issues with abortion or any number of issues. But do you think that God punished America by having the towers come down? If he did, then Robertson has no reason to hate the Arabs now, does he?]

• "When lawlessness is abroad in the land, the same thing will happen here that happened in Nazi Germany. Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals – the two things seem to go together." [HC: WTF? I don’t recall “Swishies for Satan” on the Club sign up sheet at school. And correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Hitler kill gays along with other “undesirables”? Wouldn’t a better analogy be to say that persecution of homosexuals (like Robertson clearly wants) leads a society to be more like Nazis?]

• "You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist." [HC: The Antichrist is NOT just a Presbyterian. He’s an Episcopalian! He’s a Methodist! He’s a Jew living in Palestine! Is it just me or is the Antichrist overextending himself a bit? Next thing you know he’ll be running the 700 Club.]

Selah

Pat Robertson

I would like to talk for a moment about the vile piece of excrement that is Pat Robertson. (Note the objective language here: most people wouldn’t have stopped with the mild “excrement.”)

Robertson—as long time readers might recall—is the reason I stopped being white several years ago. I think I wrote about it in a potpourri. Let me see if I can find it.

[Hyperion roots around in his root cellar for ten minutes]

Ah, here it is, from #107 Potpourri, Volume XV”

I heard Pat Robertson say the reason 9/11 happened is that God removed his hand of protection from America because of its immoral behavior. I know how most Muslims feel, reviled that they are associated with sick terrorists killing in God's name. That's how I feel. It turns my stomach to have such a bigot use the name of Christ to defend his views. That is why, in the spirit of being more like the cable guy and less like Pat Robertson, I am officially giving up my white status. It’s just time: I’m already so cool and deck I hardly have any white blood in me at all, but I am now going all the way. I refuse to classify myself as a color anymore (with the possible exception of Periwinkle, should that ever be a choice), because as my friend Jerrica pointed out, colors are stupid anyway. No one is actually black or white or red or yellow. From this day on, I’m just me. And that’s enough for anybody.

That’s all for now. Don’t shoot ‘till you see that whites…

Truer words were never spoken. Sadly—unless you’re a late-night comedian—Pat Robertson is back at it again.

A couple of years ago he got in trouble for praying on his nationally televised show (‘The 700 Club”) for Supreme Court Justices to be killed. I remember being aghast at the time and my dad—while not defending the guy; even he thinks Robertson’s a whacko—tried to explain it was Robertson’s Calvinist background that made him think he could get away with it.

Whatever.

Now, Robertson has again called for someone’s death; this time the president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. (To be fair: many consider Chavez to be a brutal dictator.)

This in itself isn’t that big a deal. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we could all do with a fewer Venezuelans around. (Except Venezuelan Single Mothers, as we here at the Hyperion Institute support Single Mothers of every size, shape and shimmying abilities.)

But here’s where it gets truly sick. Robertson hits the cable news networks proclaiming that he was taken out of context. He called for the dictator to be “taken out,” which could mean removed from office. And while I loathe Pat Robertson with the same venom usually reserved for Child Abuse, the Snuggle Bear and the theme song for Saved By the Bell: the College Years, I had to admit it was possible people were spinning this. After all, the news media isn’t much higher on the food chain than ol’ 700 himself. Here’s a direct quote from Robertson on the 700 Club a few nights later.

"I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out.' And 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping; there are a number of ways to take out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP [Associated Press], but that happens all the time," Robertson said on "The 700 Club" program.

Then I saw the program making all the fuss. Not a clip. The program. (Up here in Canada we’re a bit behind.) People, there is absolutely no doubt in the world Robertson was talking about killing Chavez. I wrote down the most damning part when I heard it, and I think I have it word for word:

"If he [Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it...."

You know, if Robertson had just been a man and stood by his word, I might have—for the first time in forever—have agreed with him. After all, there are many brutal dictators I would happily strangle. (Not Chavez, but you get my point.) Instead, Robertson does that famous politician’s dance, by saying he didn’t actually SAY assassination. True. But he used another form of the word! And by “take him out,” Robertson meant kill Chavez!!!!

Here me, Pat Robertson fans (although one hopes none of you are reading): Robertson has now sunk to the level of Bill Clinton. Not only saying and believing things that turn your stomach, but then prevaricating around the word usage.

Seriously: someone should take Pat Robertson out.

Of the 700 Club.

Anyway they can.

But don’t kill him.

Leave that for me.

One wonders if he has a "Rural" Cousin...

The Urban Ninja makes me feel a little bit better

(My favorite part is the music. What movie is that from? Is it LAST OF THE MOHICANS? 20 Hyperion points to the first one who leaves a comment with the correct answer.)

Oh, Denny's: why have you forsaken me?

I was all set for a great start to this day. I thought I would go to Denny's. I get there only to find they are closed for renovation!

Oh, the humanity! Nothing ruins a day like such an awful start.

It was my one day to get free food, too. Man, this sucks.

Film Title Quiz

There is a really cool Flm Quiz over on Movie-Hype.

Go check it out RIGHT NOW!!!!

Look everybody: it's Richad Roundtree!

Okay, so probably no one cares about this but me, but it's my site so I'll post what I want.

I have just now (that I'm on vacation) started to catch up with all the TV from April and May I missed. One of those programs is DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. I just saw the episode where Susan fears for her life so she hires a private investigtor. The guy she hires is played by Richard Roundtree, the same dude who helped Paul, the guy Susan's now afraid of.

But that's not what cracked me up. When she's looking up PIs in the phone book, she finds Richard Roundtree under "HAFT'S."

For those of you who are powerfully uncool, Richard Roundtree was SHAFT in the movies. (And somewhere a dumb teenager said, "But I thought that was Samuel L. Jackson!") Anyway, SHAFT, HAFT'S. Get it?

France FIGHTS disease for a change

Okay, so this link has some brief nudity (a man's butt), and some suggestive positions, but I do not, reapeat I DO NOT post it here for any vulgar purposes.

What it is: France's new anti-STD campaign.

It's just about the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life and dang if it's not effective.

Anyway, if you're brave, check it out.

Cheerleaders

So, I know most of you think cheerleaders are plumb worthless, but Hyperion Natinon member Dominique sends word that this isn't always the case.

Read about Cheerleaders actually doing good in the world

But do the dishes appear with their own food?

Just wanted to say to whomever wrote a comment under "I love HarryPottery Barn," that's the funniest name I've yet run across. Absolutely Cracked me up.

Copyright

I've added copyright tags to each of my sites. They may be hard to find, but it's worth it, for there is a different message on each. Amuse yourself and go see them all.

Well?

GO!

The New IT Girl

I doubt I'm telling you anything new when I say that clearly Rachel McAdams is supposed to be the next "It" girl. The signs are unmistakable. Praised in last year's MEAN GIRLS and especially THE NOTEBOOK, appearing in this summer's breakout comedy WEDDING CRASHERS, and now doing the requisite thriller (RED-EYE) before going on to bigger and better things.

What disturbs me is how I know this. Contrary to public opinion, I don't spend my time keeping track of female teenage celebrities. (Or single-mother strippers, for that matter, but I digress.) And yet it's as clear as a bell what's happenning here, just as it was with the arrival of Lindsay Lohan, and Jessica Simpson the year before that, and on and on and on all the back to Mary Pickford for all I know. (Or hell, Sarah Bernhardt and even Jenny Lind.)

The question remains how do we know these girls are now "It" in the game of Fame Tag that is Pop Culture? The answer: we're told this by whatever spin-meister puppeteer decides such things.

Now, if you don't buy my premise, fine. Assuming you've actually lived in the world and you do buy the premise, my real question then becomes: why are these particular girls chosen? I mean, no disrespect against any of them (except for Jessica Simpson), but there is nothing all that special about any of them that 10,000 other Hollywood girls couldn't do just as well. So what is it? It's not the look; they can plaster us with blondes, brunettes, red heads until we're sated. It's not talent, I think we'd agree.

So what is it?

The language of Love

You’re gonna have to follow me on this one.

I was reading this scholarly article at the Chiropractor’s office the other day when I ran across the data that X stood for kiss and O stood for hug in the famous xoxoxoxo.

This was confusing, because when you kiss someone, you make your mouth kind of round into an O, and when you hug them you cross your arms on their back. (Unless, of course, you’re not big like me or you’re dating Star Jones, in which case, you have much bigger problems; no pun intended.)

The cute little receptionist remonstrated me and said that no, X was indeed kiss and O was hug.

This STILL didn’t make sense because you always see that symbolized as xoxoxo and not the other way around and yet, you always HEAR it as “Hugs and Kisses,” never “Kisses and Hugs.”

You know I’m right.

So, since nobody wants to say “Kisses and Hugs” it seems to me the best thing to do is to write oxoxox.

Of course, when one looks at that, one can’t help but notice that ox is also an ox. Now, “x” is kind of a harsh sound and I can see a girl not wanting to be called that. But something softer and similar to ox should work, right?

Therefore, I submit that men should call all their women (whom they love) “buffalos.” To make matters clearer (in case you live in Cedar Rapids Iowa and deal with many different kids of buffalo), perhaps you should call your girl your little “Love Buffalo.”

Let me know how that goes.

more sharks and octos

As I was searching for a picture of a shark and octopus, I came across this album cover.

I have to ask: who thought that would be a good idea?

On the plus side, if I ever start a gang, I know what to call it.

Shark vs. Octopus

The answer to the age-old question: If a shark and an octopus got in a fight,

who would win?

Metro out: Uber in

Those of you who have been reading me for awhile: I can prove this.

Go back and look at my Potpourri columns from '03. I was the very first person to tell you that "Metrosexual" was going to be the new "It" phrase. It took a few months, but I was right.

I may not be the first to tell you this, but Metrosexual is now out, and Ubersexual is in. I read an interesting article in today's paper by this British dude Harry Mount. I don't have a scanner so I looked him up, and found a version of the story online. It's set up for Brits to read, so you'll have to do a bit of translation, but you should get the jist:

What is replacing Metrosexual

How can you tell?

Someone sent me this picture. I ended up showing it to one of my Readers, and she claimed the woman was "fake." Now I ask, with all sincerity (not trying to be vulgar), how can you tell? (Women only please, since they actually have knowledge on the subject. Most guy's knowledge consists of under-the-mattress time as a teenager.)

Stupid College Quotes

Points in case is running a contest for stupid college quotes. I can't share many of them (as you would imagine, there is some bad language), but some of them are so funny I cracked up. My favorite one (in case you check it out) involves the line, "We are not going back for another Power Bar!"

Piazza

A couple of nights ago I was at this restaurant called Pairie Smoke with Marcellus. I overheard the funniest thing I just had to share. Our server had a uniform on. In the place where a name might go was the word "piazza."

Now, for those of you who somehow don't know, a piazza is an open square, usually surrounded by roofed buildings, most often found in Italy. (Yes, it's also a New York Met.)

[For a picture of one of the most famous piazza's in the world, click here]

Anyway, here's the funny part: at the table next to us were these snobs, the kind of people who pretend they know stuff about wine when they really don't. They kept calling the server "Piazza."

At first I thought they were just being jerks, but I heard one mention it when she was gone, too, and it dawned on me they really thought that was her name!

Just had to share.

I want Collars!

[This post assumes you read the last one]

As they were trying to come up with their answers, Caity and Rebecca came and sat with Marcellus and me. (Yes, it’s “Me,” not “I.” More on this blunder people make another time.)

Anyway, they were talking about beer, and as a former American I was thinking 21, the legal drinking age in America. Even up here it’s 18, so it shouldn’t have been a problem. However, after they left, Marcellus informed me that there was no way those girls were 18. I was incensed.

“You mean I sat here and…looked at them as women and they’re underage?” I bellowed. We brought Jaime over and she confirmed they were 16 or at most 17, and pointed out this was the reason they were hostesses and not servers: they couldn’t legally serve alcohol to customers.

I was in shock. Long-time readers know I guard against this sort of thing, for precisely that reason. The way girls look, dress and act these days, it can be impossible to tell. (Although, I’d like to point out Marcellus knew the whole time and just didn’t tell me; wanting to enjoy my splutters of rage afterward.)

I’m not blaming the two girls. They were lovely and didn’t pretend. It was my fault. But really, I blame society. This is getting to be an epidemic. Which is why I am proposing that underage girls have to wear a collar of some kind.

At first I suggested we cut them in half to count the rings like trees, but obviously this would be impractical (do they even have rings?) In which case the collar is a better idea. Or, perhaps Marcellus had the right idea with a xenon-imbedded chip in their neck that would glow ultra-violet under the right light, until they were 18 when it would wear out.

I’m going to have a LOT more to say on this later, but I wanted to get it out there in case readers had ideas too.

More Care Bears and Dead People

Once at Colorado’s I asked my three questions of the night again. I kept the Care Bear one (chicks love that), and added these: if you could change the ending to any movie, what would it be and how; and design your own holiday that everyone celebrates.

Marcellus had some good answers. His Care Bear was Grouchy Bear with a thunderhead on the tummy. He wanted the last twenty minutes of A.I. cut off, and he wanted Truth Day, where everyone is forced to tell the truth with no repercussions (your boss, customers, jerk neighbors, etc.).

I had Crazy Bear (in a straight jacket), I wanted King Kong to get the girl, and Old Movie Week, where every theatre was required to play classic films to introduce to young people duped into believing Adam Sandler is a star. Screw that. Bogie, Gable, Betty Davis; they were stars.

Our server didn’t help us out too much, but Jaime came up with Stubborn Bear; a mule on her tummy. Interestingly, later at Denny’s there was another Jamie who only answered the Care Bear Question, and had Vacation Bear with a palm tree on a beach. Just goes to show you once again that chicks love the Care Bear Question. Men: write that down.

We had more luck with two Hostesses. One was Caity, and she had Hippie Bear, complete with bandana, yellow-tinted glasses, and a Peace symbol on her tummy. She wanted the boy to die in WAR OF THE WORLDS, and she wanted Free Day, where everything is free. (Not sure how that works, but then again, how is Truth Day supposed to work?)

Her friend Rebecca had Boozer Bear, with a beer gun on her tummy. (Note: I have NO idea what a beer gun is, but I kept this to myself.) She wanted KILL BILL VOLUME 2 changed to show Bill getting pummeled for longer, and she waned Dead Celebrity Concert Day. All the Dead Celebrities (especially, for some strange reason, Jim Morrison) would come back to life and give concerts. Thinking it through Rebecca realized that the concerts couldn’t all be done in one day, and suggested a week, which I proclaimed “Corpseapalooza.”

There’s more, but I put it in the next post.

Book Shame

The preceding post does bring up a good question: what book are you most ashamed to not have read? I actually have one, but it’s so bad (I have reasons) that if I posted it I would hear nothing but angry letters from people for weeks. But if you’re brave, feel free to step up and proclaim your ignorance.

A trip to the Library

So before I went to Colorado’s I went to the Library. I overheard this librarian talking to a patron about how she’d never read “Moby Dick” or Kafka’s “The Castle” Kafka I can understand, it’s not his most famous, but how can a librarian not have read “Moby Dick”?

When it was my turn I jokingly said I wasn’t sure I could trust a librarian who hadn’t read “Moby Dick.” Understand, for the average person, maybe you’ve read it (by force, in high school), maybe you haven’t. But for a Literary person, and a Librarian at that, “Moby Dick” seems to be required. Note I don’t say she’d like it; unless you’re really into Melville “Moby Dick” can be quite boring at times, but still; my friend Aslan read it for no other reason than to be a better person!

Anyway, this librarian isn’t embarrassed at all. I ask her what books she is embarrassed about not having read, and she says, “Oh, some Canadian authors.” Please. After a minute, she comes up with "War and Peace." Finally she admits that as a Librarian she probably should have read
"Moby Dick" and others, but since her real profession is a Social Worker, her standards are lower.

Of course, this brings up a host of other questions (like what kind of social experiment scam is the Library trying to pull), but I had to leave so the questions went unanswered.

Baby Chickens

I was at Colorado's the other night with Marcellus and quite a few things happened (which I will get to over the course of the rest of the day; want to pace myself). This gem I just had to share.

Marcellus ordered chicken wings, and it reminded me of when I worked in a deli. I knew so little about chicken wings, that I thought that only the flat ones were wings. The other ones I thought were drumsticks.

So when people would order wings I'd give them the flat ones, and they'd get mad at me and I never understood it.

Finally my supervisor explained it to me. She asked, "How could you think they were drumsticks?"

I answered quite honestly, "I thought they were from baby chickens."

Movie Thoughts

As part of my penance I have decided to do a Random Movie Thought each day, partly in hopes that you will read past reviews (soon there will be quite a few more up and a Table of Contents, but for now you can dig through).

Anyway, to get the ball rolling I have three --yes three-- random movie thoughts for today. Head on over and check 'em out.

How could I forget?

It just hit me the other day that on my list of best Driving Songs I left "Mercedes Boy" by Pebbles and "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC off consideration.

Obviously I must atone to the Gods. And so, to make up for it, I promise to do at least ten posts today, that I've been saving up and just haven't gotten around to.

I'm so sorry Pebbles and tiny Aussie rockers.

Unbelievable

So there's this message board that a friend of mine knows I visit every day. And yesterday he posts the surprise ending to "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," knowing--KNOWING!--that I, among others on that site, haven't read the book yet.

I am flabbergasted.

My immediate response was to write the angriest of replies on the board, but I deleted it. Never write an email while growling is one of my rules, and I guess that applies to Message Boards too. So much wrong can happen.

But now it's several hours later, and I'm still very upset about this. I don't know whether I should make a big deal about this or not. I mean, what is it in people that causes them to do this to others?

It is possible that he was just referring to an earlier post, and didn't "break" the information, in which case I want to talk to who did.

I just don't know what to do.

Help me out, Hyperion Nation. Am I being too sensitive, here, or does this guy derserve the Chair?

Let's get ready to crummmmmmble!

I think it was the Psalmist--or possibly Jim Valvano--who said you really only need to do three things each day to live well:

1) Laugh a little

2) Cry a little

3) Watch old people fight

Breasts not Bombs

The following contains nudity:

Breasts not Bombs

You have my word that you won't be offended by the sexual content. Oh, you'll be offended, but not because of any sexiness. You'll be offended because these are the ugliest people on the planet.

I ask you seriously: how on earth could these chicks (and I use that term loosely) stop the war? Maybe if the cast of THE O.C. got naked to protest or something, but these gurlz is fugly.

Unless...

Maybe their plan is to continue to be naked until the war stops. That'd work for me

Rubik

This takes a little while, but it's worth it

Rubik's Cube games I can't do

Morgan Freeman

So, I'm watching DEEP IMPACT for a little bit last night, and a question enters my mind: could Morgan Freeman be president?

I don't mean could someone like the characters Morgan Freeman generally plays be president, but could Morgan Freeman be president? If he ran, could he win? Assuming he's somewhere in the normal range politically (either Republican or Democrat, both of whom, you might recall, have been president recently), and not some Communist (or Grit), could Morgan Freeman be president?

What do you think?

Denny's 7

Finally (for now), as I was writing the latest chapter of Fagin Dupree, I came across a situation I didn’t know if there was a term for. Is there some word or expression for collective guilt? What I mean is, say Homer Simpson did me wrong. I decide to take my revenge on Bart, not to hurt Homer vicariously, but because I feel that Bart, in the family, is guilty of the sin too. Sort of a “Dynastic Blood Guilt.” For much of history (and even today in many parts of the world) this was an established practice, so it seems like there has to be a word or term for it, but I don’t know what it is. 50 cool points for anyone who can give me the write answer, or in lieu of that, what SHOULD be the right answer.

Denny's 6

Halfway through the night these three girls came in, fresh from bar. (Bar-Hos, you’d call them.) It was plainly obvious that none were wearing waisted undergarments, or “panties,” as the kids say. This reminded me of something I heard on the radio the other morning.

Apparently it’s becoming quite the trend for late-teens and early twenties (and even beyond) girls to go out and about…commando would be the best way to describe it. The benefits are, I suppose, no VPL (which stands for Visible Panty Lines, and can you believe they have an acronym for this?), freedom of movement, etc.

Now, while in theory Hyperion supports any movement that puts fewer clothes on women, doubts remain. I have no wish to be prurient or vulgar, but here at the Hyperion Institute we ask the tough questions come what may. Admittedly I have but little understanding of female plumbing, but it seems to be (and correct me if I’m wrong) that there would be hygiene issues involved going bareback. I mean, I’ve seen 5000 commercials this year for “panty-shields,” even though I only have a vague conception of what they are for. (My best guess is that there is some sort of “Panty War” going on that I’m not invited to, perhaps at slumber parties.) This isn’t to mention the…ahem…lunar cycles most chicks go through, (and make us go through too). So, I repeat: how can this phenomenon work? The radio segment mentioned something called “Anti-panties,” which I just looked up, but can’t seem to figure out what it’s for either. Help me out, Hyperion Squaw Nation.

Denny's 5

Speaking of Danielle, that’s actually her name. This is because Hyperion is growing kind of weary of using aliases. When I first started it, the idea was to be able to talk about people anonymously, and not embarrass them. Sort of a “Dear Abby” kind of thing. However, it became a huge deal. Everyone wanted an alias, so they could show up in the credits. I remember getting a phone call from Bear complaining that he wasn’t in enough columns, even though he lived thousands of miles away, and thus had a hard time including himself in adventures!

Plus, if you know my life at all, it’s not that difficult to figure out who’s who, so the anonymity thing wasn’t really working. So, I was going to scrap the whole thing, but old standbyes howled. So, I think as a compromise, I am not going to create any new aliases (or alii). People can just be who they are.

Denny's 4

Okay, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but half-way through the evening I found out from my server Danielle that MILF did not come from AMERICAN PIE. She claims it’s a much older term. I was simply shocked. I was positive that movie made it up. Did anyone else know this? And if so, why wasn’t I told?

Another thing I learned from Danielle: Cougar. This is an older woman trolling the bars and such for younger guys (they are out on the “prowl”). Pretty great term, and another I didn’t know. I feel so left out.

Denny's 3

On another note, Pedro is an interesting dude. Won’t read Harry Potter or watch Lord of the Rings on religious grounds, but he’s not a typical nut. Most of the people who I meet like that are either total whack jobs, spouting venom that is too ridiculous to be believed, or they are just grossly uniformed, preferring to get all their “facts” from James Dobson; a dangerous plan if I ever heard one.

Pedro, on the other hand, is well-informed, thoughtful, and perhaps most infuriating, non-judgmental. He didn’t tell me I was wrong for loving Harry, but simply felt it was wrong himself to read something glorifying witchcraft and wizardry (and this is a gross simplification of his view, so don’t write in all half-cocked about him until you’ve heard the whole story).

Pedro agreed to at least listen to what I had to say if I would do the same, and thus a diner-friendship was born.

Anyway, when we discuss movies, if I’m recommending one to him, I’ll joking say “No witchcraft,” as if that should be THE selling point. Last night somehow the fact that he saw MEET THE FOCKERS in theatre came up. I castigated him. “Pedro, that movie has Barbra Streisand in it! That’s worse than witchcraft. That’s bitchcraft!”

Denny's 2

So, as I’m getting ready to go I get a call out of the blue from Castro. Old-school readers will recall that Castro used to show up all the time in the Chronicles, but not the last year. That’s because he moved to California to become a surfer, or possibly save the gay baby whales; I forget which.

Anyway, it was way awkward because Castro was in my writing group, and he totally flaked on me. Just quit answering emails or phone calls, and basically left us hanging. In fact, I was going to change his alias to “Dandruff,” he was such a big flake.

Part of me was apprehensive about meeting him, but these days I’m more equanimical about things. Bygones, you know? Turned out to be a good decision. We talked just like old times about everything under the sun, and my Denny’s friend Pedro came over at one point and we argued about Time, Infinity, and dogmatic Evolution. Great times.

What’s the point of this? Not sure, but I guess I’m glad I didn’t burn any bridges. Some people shift in your life from what you they were or what you wanted them to be, but that doesn’t mean they have to be nothing to you.

Denny's Intro

Had a very strange, exciting, and profitable trip to Denny’s. I kept writing down things I wanted to post when I got home. However, instead of putting it all on one thing, I’m going to break it up. This is mostly for Koz, who whines at anything over two paragraphs.

Elizabeth Montgomerie.

Just for the record, I thought Elizabeth Montgomerie, of BEWITCHED, had red hair. Have never seen the show, but from the intro I thought it was so.

It has been demonstrated to me that I was wrong. While perhaps there are some strawberry highlights, Ms. Montgomerie did indeed have blonde hair.

As part of the deal, I'm admitting I was wrong.

Try not to gloat.