A Chair full of Bowlies

I was watching Morning Joe (on MSNBC) a few minutes ago, waiting for a computer to open up. Why would I do this when I loathe virtually all political talk shows, especially the morning ones? I'm not entirely sure. Sometimes I also watch CNN's Morning Edition or FOX and Friends for a few minutes. I think it's because of self-loathing on my part.



It might also be because of Mika Brzezinski. The woman just forever pisses me off. I don't ever agree with the Scarborough guy on anything, but he at least comes off as reasonable and affable. Not Mika. She's one angry dame, and there is nothing more infuriating than righteous anger fueled by abject ignorance.

Anyway, just now, I was watching the predictable Rush to Blame about the failed bailout vote. Shockingly, CNN and MSNBC blame Republicans in general (and Bush and McCain specifically), while FOX will blame Pelosi.

(I didn't actually see Fox, but I'd stake my life on this. And, to be fair, Pelosi took some hits on MSNBC, but only so that they could blame Republicans for being so small-minded because of her speech. Yeah, that was what actually happened. They went in there ready to vote for the bill--totally ignoring the 100-to-1 calls and emails against from voters--but then got their feelings hurt. Hey: I hate Republicans and Democrats, and would destroy them both if I could, but give me a break. That's the story you're going to go with? Sadly, watch the Left believe this, just like the Right will believe it was an inside job by Pelosi. Sigh.)

ANYWAY, the reason I am writing this post is because the panel was talking to some Lefty, hitting hard about the market tumble yesterday. The guy pointed out that the market lost 1.2 trillion dollars, or as Joe put it, twice as much as the 700 billion bailout would have cost. (Yeah, I saw the math mistake too. Ignore it and keep reading for the big finish.)

The idea that the bailout would have been (ahem) 500 billion dollars cheaper than what the market lost is so ludicrous as to ALMOST be beyond belief. I have to assume that MSNBC thinks its viewers are that dumb. Hell, maybe they believe it.

But numbers don't lie, Hyperion!

Right. They don't. But without interpretation, they can be meaningless. The spin on MSNBC (and, I'm sure, other places by tonight), is akin to the following:

You walk into the store, and see a sweet overstuffed chair you have had your eyes on. The chair sells for $600, none of which you don't have. However, for some reason it is selling for 50% off!

What do you do? You buy the chair the chair. How do you pay for it? WITH THE THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS YOU JUST SAVED!

Some of you are shaking your head right now. Some of you are trying to do math. Sadly, others are wondering where they can go get that sweet chair!


[this post borrowed from my blog Institutionalized]

P.O.D. - Dinoriffic!

Fresh Meat

I've decided: Monkey Barn needs some new blood. I'm not kicking anyone to the curb, but some fresh faces might liven things up a bit.

If you know anyone who'd be good, or if you are someone who'd be good, drop me a line, eh?

P.O.D. - Marlboro Baby

Adoptaplatoon

Former Monkey Barn member Dominique wrote and asked me to post this message about the troops. I told her I would be happy to. I'm not sure if the pictures (pulled from an email) will come through, but you guys can read, right?

Adoptaplatoon E-News & Urgent Request

September 24, 2008

Dear AdoptaPlatoon Supporters!

We will never tire of thanking you for being a part of the AAP Team and also thank you for every blessing you send to our Troops!

We have some updates to relate but first have an urgent request! As the holidays quickly approach, our Troops need us more than ever. We currently have Army Soldiers and Marines waiting for an American to embrace them and are again in need of supporters and ask that you help by spreading the word in your community, work place, places of worship, schools, civic organizations and to family, neighbors and friends letting them know that they are NEEDED BY OUR DEPLOYED U.S. TROOPS! To participate and make a difference in the life of a deployed U.S. Soldier ask them to visit the AAP website at www.adoptaplatoon.org and submit an application...

PLEASE HELP SPREAD THE WORD to make sure no U.S. Service Member requesting help goes without the morale support needed. Be sure to go to the AAP forum on the website and let us know that YOU ARE SPREADING THE WORD!

As an AAP approved Team Supporter, if you can consider writing to another soldier or sending a care package to one more or a few more Soldiers, please let us know by returning this e-mail, with the following information, to info@adoptaplatoon.org:

• NAME
• AGE
• MARITAL STATUS
• What kind of support you want to give: adopt (weekly letters/cards plus monthly care packages), pen-pal (weekly letters/cards).
• NAME & ADDRESS of your CURRENT Service Member
• Any changes in your information – be sure to include the old and then the new so we can correct our records.

We are working as quickly as possible to process all requests so please be sure to have all requested information when you send your request. If you have any questions, please send by e-mail to info@adoptaplatoon.org as well.

HALLOWEEN TREATS FOR THE TROOPS CAMPAIGN

We are furiously busy filling Halloween bags for our deployed Troops and still have many more Soldiers and Marines that would love to receive one. If you would like to participate in this campaign, Treats for the Troops, there is still time. Please send an e-mail to Arline – aapcampaign@yahoo.com - with TREATS –Current Supporter, in the subject line. Be sure to include your information with the name of the last Soldier you supported AND approximately how many Troops you can send to. If you have friends not yet signed up, have them fill out an application on our website and put TREATS in the comments’ section.

(Note: If you signed up with Ida for Halloween, please know that she is working as quickly as possible to process all e-mails!)

AAP MISCELLANEOUS CAMPAIGNS

There have been many ADDRESS / NAME changes in our last Miscellaneous Campaigns update, as well as NEW CAMPAIGNS being added. Please click here to download the most updated Campaign list, or you can contact Cheryl at: aap_poc_list@yahoo.com, and she will send you the list. Please do not send anything unless you have an updated list, or your mail may be returned.

Right around the corner………………

CHRISTMAS / WINTER HOLIDAY CAMPAIGNS

We are also getting ready for our Christmas / Winter campaigns, Stockings from Santa and Operation Holiday Eagle, and need everyone’s help to make these two campaigns successful! Holidays are especially hard on our deployed Troops and their families, and many of our Soldiers and Marines are young, single and away from home for the first time. Just knowing that someone they don’t even know, cares enough to send a card and/or a care package, means more to them than you will ever know. Please go to our website and check out the posters for these two upcoming campaigns for more information.

We would like everyone to know that your support of the Troops through AdoptaPlatoon truly makes a difference in the quality of life of our deployed Troops! Army Commander sends you his words of "Thanks!"

"It is hard out here - austere living conditions, lack of simple things we take for granted at home (like being able to drink and brush your teeth), and the tragedy of seeing people hurt and worse - sometimes strangers and sometimes friends - always tragic. But, the thing we miss most is just HOME and FAMILY. These are the most important things in life. Thank you for helping to provide things to make life easier, and for being, in a way, a "family" organization to help us. We appreciate you. And, like our brothers from past conflicts did not have, it is much easier to do this job when we know we have the support and love and concern from great Americans like you back home. LTC Stephen Jarrard, U.S. Army, Afghanistan."

Again, we can’t thank you enough for your generosity in supporting all our Military and especially in adopting another Troop! We look forward to hearing from you!

All of us from AdoptaPlatoon

www.adoptaplatoon.org

© 2008 ADOPTAPLATOON SOLDIER SUPPORT EFFORT
AdoptaPlatoon HQ
P.O. Box 234
Lozano, TX 78568

Best Idea (Ever?)

You know how sometimes an idea comes along that is so good, angels do backflips?

I'm not doing this justice. Let me try again.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Monkeys and Barns, I give you the best goddamutherfuckingtittysuckingtwoballbitchin' idea seen in years.

Be careful; you may pee yourself a little when you see it.

VALKYRIE

Found this Trailer last night. Trailers are just trailers, but from this, VALKYRIE could kick serious ass.

Evil Plan

I stumbled across a site allowing you to create a plan for World Domination. This was right up my alley! Here is the site: http://www.darksites.com/evilplan.php

If you create one of your own, leave it in the comments!


Hyperion's Plan:

Congratulations on being the creator of a new

Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: World Domination.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: To show them all

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a pope. This will cause the world to slaughter a sacred calf to appease the gods, shocked by your arrival. Who is this evil genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good as a dark gunslinger?

Stage Two

Next, you must vaporize the moon (ooh, tides!). This will all be done from a floating fortress, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will fall into catatonic trances, as countless hordes of ninjas hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must let loose your plague of doom, bringing about rivers that run red with blood. Your name shall become synonymous with fuzzy bunnies, and no man will ever again dare sneer cruelly at your disfigured face. Everyone will bow before your mystical abilities, and the world will have no choice but to make you their new god.

P.O.D. - Shortbus Revolt

Dude, You gotta click and look at the whole thing.

Shameless plug for LJS!

I'll just say that it's liberating to not have a post that's rated PG-13.

And, awesome job by Dragon on rating this year's dresses at the Emmy's! Roaar for you!

POD: In the pouch

:) LJS

Attention all Monkeys, Barners, and any other primates/farm structures. I have a challenge for you.

I was stumbling, and came across the worst opening lines in Romance novels. Some were funny; most were lame.

More importantly: I think we can do better. I challenge you to come up with the Worst First Line of a Romance Novel you can think of.

Don't let me down!

P.O.D. - Sarcasm style

The Sad thing is....this is Polish guy who can't read English.

Just Kidding. Stay Strong, my Rainbow Brite homies!

Dragon's 2008 Emmy Dresses

This year's Emmy Awards were a bit of a bore but the fashion almost made up for it. Almost.

Here are my picks for the Best of the Best.

10. Mariska Hargitay was stunning in her yellow Carolina_Herrera gown.

9. I'm not usually a fan of Nicollette Sheridan's fashion sense but she got it right this time in her royal blue Angel Sanchez gown.

8. Marcia Cross went old Hollywood with this gorgeous Elie Saab ankle length dress.

7. Julia Louis-Dreyfus was red HOT in this gorgeous Narcisco Rodriguez number.

6. Kyra Sedgwick always turns heads but she was especially stunning in this bejewelled L'Wren Scott cocktail dress.

5. Kate Walsh never looked better in this sexy and snug Zuhair Murad gown.

4. Heidi Klum wore several gowns on Sunday night but this Armani Prive metallic gown was my favourite by far.

3. America Ferrara was adorable in this vintage black strapless gown.

2. Brooke Sheilds a fashion queen? Who knew! I loved, LOVED, this Badgley Mischka gown.

1. Oliva Wilde stole the red carpet in my favourte gown of the night. This Reem Acra dress was perfection and Ms. Wilde wore it well.

xo,
Dragon

Meat me

The question shouldn't be "where's the beef" but rather "what's the beef".

Scary.

:) LJS

FOILed Again!

For the Math Nerds out there

P.O.D: Cows

One never imagines that our bovine neighbors are so sensitive to their fates.

But, one would be wrong.
:) LJS

How long?

Now, you'll notice that an arsenal of Rick Astley songs is not included in the questions. However!
I want fellow Barners to answer this:

How long could YOU survive chained to a bunk bed with a velocirapitor?

:) LJS

Woman sits on Toilet for 2 Years

We've all had our marathon sessions with the porcelain bowl. We've all sat there so long our legs fell asleep. (Getting up is the worst!) We've all been so bored that we end up reading the back of shampoo bottles.

BUT TWO FUCKING YEARS?



WICHITA, Kan. (AP) -- Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years -- so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,"' Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.

Police have declined to release the couple's names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.

The case has been the buzz of Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.

"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.

Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

P.O.D, - politics style

As I think I've made clear multiple times, I do not endorse either major presidential candidate. My only criteria for these pictures is that they made me laugh. You may not laugh; fine. However, if you're outraged, please send me your address, so that I may sleep with your significant other, sister, or both.

Now THAT's a plan!

OMG! I squeal with delight as I find out that full episodes of the A-Team is available online! EEEEEEEEE!
I mean, ARGH!
:) LJS

Stock Report

The following is a really old joke (Vaudville old) about the Stock Market. Still. I think if you memorized it and said it at a business meeting or something, you'd bring down the house:


Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged. (obviously my favorite)
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

That's what I love about them Catholic Girls.....

Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie wanted to ask each girl what career they want to persue.

The first girl said, "I want to help needy children in Africa."

The sister said, "Very good then."

The second girl said, "I want to help the elderly."

The sister replied, "Good job to you."

The third girl said, "I don't have much money so I have no choice to become a prostitute."

Sister Marie fainted on the floor.

The girl said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute but I really need the money."

The sister woke and said, "A prostitute, oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"

Diebold accidentally releases results of '08 Election

P.O.D. - Ninja Style

Daily Lynx - Loenbrau!

I have divided up the Daily Lynx into High Brow, Middle Brow, and Monkey Brow. DON'T JUST SKIP TO THE LAST ONES!


High Brow

1. A couple of interesting articles on Slate.com lately. One of them details the 80 most powerful people over 80. Not surprisingly, most were white men (since power and influence is generally accrued over time, and working backwards....); in fact, some of the non traditional choices smacked of quota filling. Still, it was a fascinating list. I knew fifty-some of them by sight, and twenty more by their name, but a few were complete mysteries to me. Worth checking out.


2. Christopher Hitchens (my favorite liberal apart from the Monkey Barn Bitches), has an interesting article on Pakistan constituting the major new threat. I don't share his optimism that a politician will honor his previous words (even one who walks on water, like Obama apparently does), but Hitchens is one of the foremost experts in the world on the Middle East, and always has inciteful and unique things to say.


3. I meant to post this back when Biden and Palin were being put through the paces, but the word "vet" has an interesting etymology. I was watching Larry King when Biden was selected, and not one of Larry's panel of "experts" knew the origins. Turns out it's exactly what it sounds like, and perfect for politics.


4. Here is Jon Voigt talking about John McCain. You know, I'd have like to have been a fly on the wall in Angelina's house growing up, to see what actually happened there. Or, you know, a fly in her shower.


Middle Brow

5. Speaking of flies, from the "Why the Fuck?" category, they are making an opera of Jeff Goldblum's The Fly. Why why why, sing about the Fly?


6. Combining the high-brow of sophisticated aesthetics and the low-brow prurience of sex, Wolford has designed the world's most entime stockings. Yowza! I spent at least two hours on this site. I've always been an "all the meats of our cultural stew" kind of guy, but Wolford makes you want to be a leg-man.



Monkey-Brow


7. From a great discovery "Offbeat Earth," I found the post 10 Examples of How to Run a Picture. I stole the first but you got to see the rest to believe them.


I don't know if I like the white boy next to the pink-panther rapper best, the ruined wedding photo, or the last one, which....You know: I'm not even going to describe that one, other than to ask WHO WOULD MAKE THAT PICTURE PUBLIC?????



8. Finally, on Sea Hag's website, she compared Sarah Palin to the therapist on the Sopranos. Not bad. However, I have heard it mentioned that Palin might look more like the hot-teacher stripper (Miss Davis) in VARSITY BLUES. Her name is Tonie Perensky, and to the left is the only decent picture I could find. (It doesn't do the comparison justice.) Miss Davis comes out on the dance floor in this teacher outfit....with those glasses, and the rest is history.

Anyway, while I don't have a good comparison pic, maybe I can do one better. Incdredibly NSFW, I have still pictures of the striptease itself. (Or, if you want to join the club, you can see the movie clip, or hundreds of thousands of other nudity movie clips. Or you can buy me a subscription, and earn eternal cunilingus!)

Those are your Daily Lynx. Enjoy and use them well.

P.O.D. - Soylent Style

TRAITOR TRAILERS

Jerrica took me to see TRAITOR on Sunday. I should have the review up later this week (unless I give up writing forever; I'm 50/50), but if not: see it.

Anyway, before the film were the Trailers, including two commercials I thought were really good.

This one featured Kid Rock and Dale Earnhardt Jr. (for some reason), and is one of the best pieces of propaganda I have seen in some time. Really good stuff:

WARRIOR



There was another commercial I can't find at the moment. It was for Vault, and it features wakeboarding championships. I just wrote a description, which sounds way lame, but trust me: it's awesome.


GHOST TOWN - This could be funny, or not




LAKEVIEW TERRACE- I'm not hating, but I feel like I've seen this movie a billion times already. maybe just a generic trailer



EAGLE EYE - We've done this one before, so I'll just link it.


NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST - Maybe all the funny parts are in the trailer, but it did its job of making me want to see it. Michael Cera has about 3 movies playing the same guy until he's over-exposed; might as well milk it while he can.



KNOW1ING - This last one wasn't in the theater, but came up accidentally as I was writing up my TRAITOR review. it's a Nicholas Cage movie next year, and looks interesting.


Hope this helps

Crazy

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

10 Facts about Bread

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

[from Arcamax]

International Lady Jane Scarlett Day

On this day- September 15th, in the era of free love, hip huggers, disco, and shiny lip gloss, a child was born. Lady Jane would become a great pirate who fearlessly led her legion of followers to the path of slackerhood, great spaghetti sauce, and a quest to reduce global warming. LJS was born to a humble family in Ohio where she learned how to read by age 3 and got her first broken bones by age 5. In addition to her legacy as a fearless purveyor of the seas, Lady Jane is the only person ever to earn the Nobel prize in every category. She is adulated in 6 continents as a "cat whisperer" and is world-renowned as the best crooner of lullabies, ever. Due to the "penguin incident", she is an outlaw in Antarctica.


So today, September 15th, we celebrate International Lady Jane Scarlett day with a pirate "arggghhhhh!" and a shot of tequila.


[taken from International Day]

Palin/Clinton on SNL

Last night's SNL opening. I laughed out loud three times; haven't done that in ages.




For years I have thought we should do a "Hottest Women in Glasses" Top Ten list. And for years I thought Tina Fey would be on that list. Who else?

Adam and Eve

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


Don't get mad: you KNOW it's true

Get Fuzzy on Politics

Bucky Katt is a Replublican? This explains why Lady Jane's always got the hots for him.

Just a song in my head today

For some reason...

P.O.D, - Muppet Style

Oh, Kermie!

Daily Lynx - BK style

I'm sitting outside a closed Burger King, with even money on whether they turn off their Wi-Fi or I run out of power first. So, I won't have the usual witty banter, but I do have some links.

1. Telescopic Text. Very cool. I'm curious what order you read it in, and we could pull something like that off.


2. Picture within a Picture. I never get tired of these.


3. Unique Gravestone. One of the most beautiful pictures I've seen in some time.


4. Silhouette Masterpiece Theatre. I can already hear Lady Jane giggling.

Annals of Silly Science

So, let me paraphrase the results from this earth-shattering study.
1. Having a one woman boss is stressful
2. Having a one man boss is stressful
3. Having a one man and one woman boss is stressful

OMG.

And, off the wall here, but let me ask you this:

If I were to say that my "ability to organize teams, work hard and meet goals" is a reason why you should hire me, then isn't my "ability to organize teams, work hard and meet goals" up for scrutiny when applying for a job?

P.O.D. - Good Advice Style

Heels

Hey,

I was reading a book the other day, and it referred to someone having "rounded heels." It was obviously a metaphor, but I've never heard that one.

Anyone got any info?


(and if not actual knowledge, perverted answers are fine too)

No escape!

hahahahah!
:) LJS

P.O.D. - 1984 Style

Zoom of the Future

This has got to be the coolest best bike of the future..ever!
:) LJS

Wearable Motorcycle

What Rap Has Been Missing...