Why Hyperion will never get married

Okay, gang: I realize that mocking my responders is not the best way to get the rest of you to respond, but c'mon! Some of you are eating crazy sandwiches.

I have it set up so that people can leave comments on the website anonymously. I get an email notification when someone does respond. I got one yesterday asking about the meaning of callipygian, and responded with a post asking who was it who wanted to know, since I wasn't going to tell the whole world.

Sadly, the original Anonymous Questioner was incensed by my request, and left this comment:


The "anonymous" identity is there for a reason. If you won't answer something as simple as what does callipygian mean without our name, what makes you think we would share something as personal as our bladder habits and sex lives? Oh, and by the way, I might think about emailing you at the chronicles with some of this, but you have about three emails from me that you have yet to answer so maybe we could start there


Oh where to begin? I WILL answer the question, or at least I would. It seems reasonable to me that if you wanted to know what a word means, and, let's be honest, are too lazy to look it up yourself, you could at least give your name. How is this difficult? Especially seeing as how the Anonymous Questioner “claims” to have three unanswered emails.

Not to belittle the questioner, but do you all realize how much email I get about this column? True, not as much as I’d like, but still quite a bit. I do try to answer every single one, but it takes some time.

Secondly, no one is making you share your bladder habits. I just wondered if I was alone in pee-dreams. Furthermore, Anonymous Questioner makes it seem like he/she’s offended by my posting, as if he/she is forced to read it. It is voluntary, you know.

So, that’s that with that. However, since I’m sure I’ve already pissed this person off, let’s go a step further and try to deduce some details about his/her life.

1) He/she tells me the anonymous tag is there for a reason. I realize this, as, and this part may be tricky, so read carefully, I SET IT UP THAT WAY. So, Anonymous Questioner is telling me what I already know.

2) Asking for the name of the person is not the same as asking if anyone had similar experiences as mine. Setting aside the quasi-rhetorical nature of the posting-questions, my asking for the name was a wholly separate thing. So, Anonymous Questioner was confusing two very different matters and blurring them together.

3) Anonymous Questioner claims to have unanswered emails in my inbox, which implies that he/she writes me. In other words, supposedly I already know his/her name. Why be so secretive, then? So, anonymous questioner creates mystery where none need exist.

4) Finally, and perhaps most damning, the anonymous questioner seems incensed I have not answered his/her questions yet, which implies he/she thinks that all my time should be spent appeasing him/her.

Let’s put it all together: Telling me things I already know, confusing two different issues, making things more difficult and confusing than need be and demanding all of my time. People, I don’t think I’m on much of a limb here by stating that categorically, Anonymous Questioner is a WOMAN. I choose to believe it is a hot woman, as I’d rather have some fire-breathing chick mad at me than a run-of-the-mill whiner. So, hot girl, come out come out whomever you are.