You know it's going to be a bad day when....

- You wake up face down on the pavement.

- You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

- You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.

- Your bar of Ivory soap sinks. [Hyperion's Note: when I first read this one I thought it was, "Your bar of Ivory soap stinks," a totally different bad day....]

- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

- You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

-from Arcamax

Magic Milk

Magic Milk

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Reindeer Games?

I'm working up my best Christmas songs list (I know it's late, but don't hate: Christmas lasts all week), and I realized there is a big debate that needs to be solved.

When singing Rudolph with the "add-ons," I always sang it like this:

All of the other reindeer (REINDEER)
Used to laugh and call him names (LIKE DUMBO)
They never let poor Rudolph (RUDOLPH)
Join in any reindeer games (LIKE FOOTBALL)

However, my sister sings the last line thusly:

...Join in any reindeer games (LIKE MONOPOLY)

So, I ask you, the Monkey Barn: which is it? Football or Monopoly?

P.O.D. - Dangerstyle

I verified the picture. it's the real deal. Tell me: how well would you do?

Busload

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."

-from Arcamax

Unique Wedding Dance

What are the odds this girl was a whore in high school? 95%? 99%?




Nice dress, though

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

this is the original editorial. click to see larger view.

Hyperion's 2007 Christmas Present to You

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

NFL Passer Ratings

Okay, this will probably appeal to no one, but I thought I'd throw it out there. I'm working on a big Sports column for the end of the year (or beginning of next year: whichever comes first). One of the things that piqued my interest is the bizarre way they calculate NFL Passer Ratings. Perfect is 158.3, a totally weird random number, and you don't even have to be perfect to score perfect! Find last night's Steelers/Rams game, and calculate Ben Roethlisbergers statistics. (I'm not including a link, because I figure if you don't know how to find and interpret a box score, you're not going to be able to help me, so this is a good way to weed people out.)

Anyway, Ben had a magnificent game, including a stellar 16 for 20 passing, 261 yards and 3 touch downs. It's awesome, but it's not perfect! So, how did he score a "Perfect" rating?

So, my plan is to work on a new formula. I suppose you wouldn't have to be a Sports Fan to help, just into math, but if you're interested, email me at hyperioninstitute@gmail.com and we'll get an email correspondence going.

P.O.D. - Eagle Style

See, your day isn't going that badly!

Daily Lynx - SVU style

Today's Lynx are stories in the news that astonish/anger me.


People, I am not making these up;


Woman Arrested for Groping Santa (Do you go with a "Ho Ho Ho" joke here or something more on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" ? Discuss amongst yourselves.)


Michigan Senior Citizen calls 911 on his wife, after she refuses to turn up thermostat (What the hell is going on in Michigan these days? They're becoming Ohio!)



People, as you may or may not know, in February of 2009 cable will all be digital. This isn't as bad as it sounds: IF YOU HAVE CABLE OR SATELLITE, you'll be fine. People who don't want that will have to buy a Digital converter to keep watching TV. So far so good: digital picture is much better. But here's the kicker: There is a government program for $80 in coupons to help you buy those converters. (You MUST take the quiz on the website. If people are that dumb, what are the odds they can turn on a computer?) Let me get this straight: we're now going to subsidize people to watch TV? Will Liberals stop at nothing?


This just pisses me off, but do you remember the old DA on Law & Order SVU, that really sexy blond with the glasses? Her character's name was Alex Cabot, easily one of the hottest women in glasses of all time. Her real name is Stephanie March, and I think she's awesome. Well, guess who Stephanie March is married to? I hate that prick, and I just want to throw up in my mouth all day.








But, I can't leave you on that horrible a note. It turns out the other extremely sexy woman on Law & Order SVU, Mariska Hargitay, has a happier family connection. Her father was a Mr. Universe and her mother was one of the sexiest women of the 20th Century. No wonder she keeps getting better and better: it's in the genes!

Yay!

Best Christmas Shopping EVER!

Yesterday I told you that I would reveal the best place to STILL get Christmas gifts delivered on time. They have free overnight delivery. In fact, if you order by SUNDAY AFTERNOON, on the 23rd, they will guarantee it gets there before Christmas. I talked about them last year, but you really need to visit:

Zappos.com

Did I mention shipping is free? That goes more than one direction. Last year I got my dad a pair of Ohio State Buckeye Crocs (in bright red). I didn't know how shoe sizes ran in crocs, and I got him the wrong size. They let me ship the crocs back free, and sent me another pair. Sadly, the day they sent the new crocs, I found out I STILL had my dad's size wrong, and I called them up. Without waiting for the second pair of crocs to arrive (just to see if they might fit), they went ahead and sent out a third pair for, trusting me to send back the second one.

How's THAT for customer service?

I tell you what: when I dealt with these people on the phone I thought it would be a hassle, but they were so nice I wanted to cry. I would do a commercial free of charge for them they were so great. Seriously: you HAVE TO TRY Zappos.com.

Their raison d'etre is shoes, but Zappos also sells clothing, bags, jewelry and other accessories. I can see my mother spending 56 hours there.

Speaking of which, even if all your Christmas shopping is done, you have to go to the site just to type in "Naughty Monkey." It's a brand of high-heeled shoes, and I, who have no fashion sense, know they are awesome. I am naming Naughty Monkey the official high-heeled shoe of Monkey Barn. Maybe I can work a tie-in promotional deal with them.

Currently Hyperion is jonesing for a size 15 pair of sandals. The Chaco Z/1 and ZX/1 are my current faves, although the black Propet Summerlite Walkers are also causing lust.

(If for some reason you were determined to buy me sandals, have them send them to 540 Front Ave. Columbus Ga, 31901. Or even a gift certificate. And remember: you're doing it to say thank you for all the hard work I do for you!)

Anyway, there has to be SOMEONE in your life who could use a gift from Zappos, even if it's you! Don't you deserve a great pair of shoes or bag just in time for Christmas? Of course you do!

Zappos!

Mom is Santa

Last Minute Shopping (Free Delivery!)

A few last minute shopping websites you need to know about, with free Shipping!

(And since my paypal account has not been ringing up yet, this is a fine way to send me a gift!)

Overstock.com Recently these dudes have been advertising on TV, but they really are the cat's pajamas. Their philosophy is to take stock stores can't sell (often previous years' merchandise, but still new and good), and sell if cheaply. And did I mention FREE SHIPPING?

Hyperion Connection: Hypie has been craving some good cordless headphones, so he can watch TV with his very loud fans on. Also, if you're looking for stocking stuffers, DVDs are only six bucks! They aren't the newest releases, but hey.....If you're willing to spend a few more dollars they have The Simpsons Movie and Superbad Unrated for about 15, but even the non-new releases have some gems. They have The Ref for $7.27, Clue for $6.97 (one of the funniest movies EVER), Grosse Point Blank for $8.99 and Return to me for $10.10. (Note: anyone who buys me Return to Me will be shot. I only include it because chicks like that shit.)


Moving on, we have

Hats.com These dudes really know how to top off a party. (Top off. Har har.) They boast free shipping if you buy three (I don't think it's very much otherwise), and tons of deals on discounts and specials that pop up all the time. The fedoras by Country Gentleman will make your man do back flips. (Hyperion recommends the "Raider" or the "Bogey," and yes, they are modeled after Indiana Jones and Rick Blaine. Sadly, they are not likely to fit Hyperion.)

Hyperion Connection: most of the hats won't fit Hypie, but if you really want to get me a hat, the grey colored "Glen" by Bailey in XXL would fit me.

Tomorrow: the mother of all last minute gift places. I'm so confident they can have your stuff to you by Christmas, I'm not telling you until then.

Drunk Man on Lawnmower

Remember in the last post where I said it might be the funniest video you'll see in awhile?

I might have to take it back already. Koz sent me this video this morning. Stick with it, for the end is a prize above rubies

Jingle Bells - Detroit Pistons style

If you are from Michigan, feel free to commit Sepuku after seeing this.

One of the funniest Christmas songs I've ever seen. You'll never look at Jingle Bells the same way. In particular Rasheed Wallace deserves some sort of award. At all costs DO NOT take your eyes off of him.




'Sheed, all is forgiven. You are loved by me once again.

Dan Fogelberg

I wrote about Dan Fogelberg over on my blog. I thought I would post the three songs I talked about (my favorites) here:


Longer Than





Leader of the Band





Another Old Lang Syne

Tips for managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

-from Arcamax

12 Days of Christmas - Acapella

This was too good not to share



(I especially like the weird anti-semetic vibe, and what about what happens right after that? Somewhere Toto is rolling over in his grave...)

Question

Christmas Present or Christmas Past?

Finish The Sentence With Sea Hag

The first time I really felt like I was an adult was when I ______________.

Finish your sentence in the comments!

Barbie is bringing the apocalypse

Here are some of the Barbies available this Christmas season:

Titanic Barbie (Is this promoting Suicide?)

Christabelle Barbie (the dress costs 175 bucks!)

Cabaret Dancer Barbie (if that ain't a hooker outfit, I don't know what is!)

'80s Cher Bob Mackie Barbie (you have to be 14 to own her! I am not making this up!!!)


Laides (and Sparky), explain something to me: why would you have to own more than one Barbie? I get wanting to see her in the different clothes, but why not just buy the different clothes? Why a new Barbie for each outfit? At least with G.I. JOE there were different characters, but these are all just Barbie???

Finally, I leave you with the one Barbie Mattell would actually let me link: Holiday 2007 Barbie. (Not Christmas Barbie, mind you. See Advent Day 8 for more on that):

Mitchell Report

The Mitchell Report comes out at 2:00 today.



No, not Beverly Mitchell, the "uggo" from Seventh Heaven. This guy:



Former Senator Mitchell. The man who (supposedly) brought peace to Ireland. Who can leap tall buildings in a single bound. His report comes out today about Major League Baseball, about steroids. How big is the problem? Who is to blame? What can be done?

Yeah yeah yeah. No one cares about any of that stuff. What they want to know is: Who did it?

And this is where the problem lies. I haven't read the report yet, so I will hold off until I see what evidence they have, but you know most people will take any name in the report as an automatic Guilty Verdict, and that may not be the case.

Howard Bryant of ESPN.com has written an excellent article about how the Mitchell Investigators did (and did not) obtain their "information." If Bryant's information is correct, and I rather suspect it might be, many of these so-called guilty names will be hearsay at best. Hall of Fame careers can and likely will be ruined in fewer than five hours. But you, friend, you be one who doesn't just call for a noose. Read Bryant's article and see what you think, and then be a little more skeptical when these so-called guilty people are named.

What Crappy Christmas Gift are you?

Over on Rick Leonard's site, I found this quiz about what kind of Christmas gift you are. Here is me:

You Are a Fruitcake!

You taste like nothing else in this world. And get ready, you're about to get tossed!

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

Great. That's the worse thing I could possibly be. Fuck you, Christmas Gift Quiz! May you rot in hell!

Garfield speaks for me

Normally I'm not a big Garfield fan, but the punchline of this strip should be the motto for the season!

Sigh....

You Are Apple Pie

You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional.
You prefer things the way you've always known them.
You'll admit that you're old fashioned, and you don't see anything wrong with that.
Your tastes and preferences are classic. And classic never goes out of style.
Those who like you crave security.
People can rely on you to be true to yourself - and true to them.
You're loyal, trustworthy, and comfortable in your own skin.
And because of these qualities, you've definitely earned a lot of respect.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

P.O.D. - Lio style

Take that, Ecocrites!

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

Take that, Ecocrites!

P.O.D. - Li'l Koz Style

Two nights ago Koz and Teela welcomed their second child into the world.

Joining their boy Storm Shadow they now have the Baroness. I figured in honor the least we could do is give Koz and Teela--and the little B.--the Picture of the Day.

To all the Idiot Cat Lovers

To all you idiot cat-lovers out there, I offer you this. Go nippy


There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

-from Arcamax

P.O.D. - Xmas Island

Hey, it won't kill you to learn a little geography in your Picture of the Day!

Daily Lynx - Bushwick Bill Style

1. This is either the creepiest or the coolest thing ever: a man drawing a woman from the inside out. (There's nothing obscene or pornographic. He just starts with the skeleton and keeps adding layers. It's almost profound.)


2. Proof of just how eclectic Monkey Barn is, we turn to the 10 Spookiest Hip-Hop songs. I think they missed a few, but #1 is with a bullet (no pun intended).


3. Another gift to consider, and this time it's not even for me. May I present the Sexiest Teapot ever made! (Seriously, it's so damn sexy, even I wouldn't mind having it, but get it for a chick you hope to sleep with, okay?)


Those are your daily lynx. Learn them. Know them. Live them.

Food Quiz

So you think you know a lot about food? Take this culinary quiz, and find out just how much of an idiot you are. (My sister and I took the quiz together and only managed 4 and a third. Should have been five and a third. Yup. That was our ceiling!)


1) There are over 450 varieties of this 'nut', many of which have been used for food. They are native to all continents except Australia. What nut is this?

2) Cheese has been colored with various plant substances for hundreds of years. Yellow/orange coloring may have originally been added to cheese made with winter milk from cows eating hay to match the orange hue (from vitamin A) of cheeses made with milk from cows fed on green plants. Can you name 3 plant substances which have been used to color cheese yellow/orange?

3) This blue veined cheese, was first made around 1720, and sold at the Bell Inn in a village in Huntingdonshire. It owes its name and reputation to the village, but it is not actually made there. What is the name of the village, and the cheese?

4) This traditional dish of a central European country can trace its origins back to the ninth century Magyar shepherds. Originally it consisted of chunks of meat and onions, slowly cooked until all the liquid was boiled away, and then dried in the sun. The meat could then be used to prepare a stew by boiling it in water. What is considered the key ingredient was added to the recipe in the 18th-century. What is the name of this dish, the country of origin and the key ingredient?

5) Before setting up the a fast-food restaurant chain, this man was a high school dropout, ambulance driver, jazz pianist, Florida real-estate salesman, radio station manager, and paper cup salesman. What is his name and the name of his fast-food restaurant chain?

6) This 'fruit' will not ripen on the tree. They must be picked from the tree to initiate ripening because the leaves supply a substance that prevents ripening. The best way to store them is to leave them on the tree; they will store for 7 months or more when left on the tree. What is the name of this 'fruit'?

7) It is believed that the sheep's milk cheese that Polyphemus the Cyclops made in his caves in Homer's 'Odyssey' was most likely an early form of this cheese. You are really good if you can name this cheese.

8) This sweetest of all fruits has a 55% sugar content. The tree has no blossoms because the flower is inside the fruit. What is this physically unusual fruit?

9) Native to the Mediterranean areas and the Middle East, this vegetable was used as a flavoring by the ancient Greeks and Romans and as a medicine by the ancient Chinese. It was first cultivated in Europe for medicinal purposes. Cultivation of the plant for food was first recorded in France in 1623, and was probably developed there or in Italy. By the early part of the 18th century, there had been improvement of the wild type previously transported to Italy, France, and England, and as early as 1726, the plant was being used in England to flavor soup and stews. The modern variety we all now know, was first cultivated in Kalamazoo Michigan, in 1874. Name this common vegetable.

10) First made at the beginning of the 20th century, this candy was named after a race horse of the time. Name the candy and the racehorse.

Courtesy of FoodReference.com.

(Answers in Comments)

I got your Teen Wolf.....right here

You remember Teen Wolf, don't you? Remember at the end when he won the big game? Remember that?



Yeah.......


(Watch it again if you have to. It's only 8 second. Did you see it? POW!)

P.O.D. - Christmas (beef)cake

Schrodinger's Kitten whined so much about yesterday's P.O.D. that I decided to give equal time just to shut her up.

A highway walks into a bar......

I don't care who you are, or how much you groan, you WILL use this joke within 48 hours. You know you will......


A highway walks into a bar one day. He goes up to the bartender and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The highway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The highway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

Daft Punk - Hands on version

I'm not sure why I found this video so compelling. I guess I'm just impressed when someone dedicates themselves to becoming the best in the world at something, even if that something is fairly pointless.




Don't the hands --especially at the beginning--seem to have a personality?

I guess we have figured out who the genius is in the Kanye song. Daft Punk. If they can make two fists fascinating, Kanye knew it was money in the bank.

Daily Lynx - Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

1. Things you can do with a single sheet of paper. (This is both simultaneously beautiful and creepy.)


2. Cool Gifts you can buy (and it doesn't even have to be for me): a pen made out of metal. The pen is completely metal, and actually writes metal! I guess a small piece of the pen is coming off with each thing you write, but the manufacturers guarantee the pen for 25 years. How cool is that?


3. You remember King Leonidas, everyone's favorite "This is Sparta!" guy? Well, here is a collection of Leonidas photoshops. I'm not sure if my favorite is the one with the turtle, the parka or the gay exercise video, but they are hilarious.


Those are your Daily Lynx. Use them wisely.

P.O.D. (First Day of Christmas)

Tracy Lynn called me last night to bitterly complain that none of the P.O.D.s so far had been anime. I was touched she cared so much, and since today is the first day of December....I thought I'd supersize her request! (One of the ladies below is actually modeled on TL. Can you guess which one?)