Women and Bubbles

I'm sure the Feminists will decry this as an attack on women. I don't think it is, although I admit I'm not sure WHAT it is. Mostly, it's just hypnotically creepy.

The way to play is to drag the woman over the bubbles.

Set back the Women's Movement 40 years


now only if there was a woman that flexible...

Top Five Johns

The Faye list seemed to go pretty well. (For one thing, the librarian girl seemed impressed, and let's be honest: wasn't that the whole point?)

Anyway, I thought I'd continue it with other names. Today I have J0hn; not to be confused with Jack (which is a separate list). I limited it to the top 5.


#5 JOHN JACOB JINGLE-HEIMER SCHMIDT - This seems like just a fun-loving guy. He's always going out. People are always shouting out to him. He'd be a good guy to have at a party.

#4 John Elway - When the chips are down, is there any quarterback you'd rather have?

#3 Elton John - America's favorite gay man. Even rabid homo-haters seem to like Elton John, or at least they listen to THE LION KING soundtrack.

#2 John the Baptist - This guy was hard core. He lived in the wilderness, and ate nothing but Locusts and Honey. Take that, Fear Factor!

and #1 Johnny Carson - There really isn't any question here. He made us laugh for 30 years, and had the best timing of any comic in history. Sniff sniff

It's my party (even if no one else comes)

I tried to invite people to go celebrate with me tonight (that I got the script done). They have all you can eat ribs at Colorado's. I'm the the biggest ribs man, but I love the waitresses at Colorado's, the Yankee Pot-Roast soup is to die for, and all you can eat is all you can eat.

But no one will go with me. I heard every excuse from "Martial Arts" to "marriage counseling" to just flat out being ignored. Seriously, people, you're trying too hard on these excuses.

So, with no one to celebrate with, I went and bought my own food and had my own celebration: pudding, oven wraps (chicken and cheese rolled up in a flour tortilla), beef jerky and skittles (of course), and I just made Graitch with nectarines and strawberries. I can't wait to have that. Maybe I'll get a party hat too, or would that be too pathetic?

Monster Truck

This could be a parody.

Sadly, it might not be, too.

Jesus the Monster Truck

Women and Underwear!

Even though this weekend was insanely busy with finishing the script, I had to make time Monday to have lunch, because one of my readers flew up here to meet me! (Actually, she had work in the area, but my version sounds better).

At first I was nervous (never having met her in real life) that she might be working for one of my enemies, and be attempting to wipe me out, but what’s life without risk, right?

We met at Applebee’s. I ordered one of their fabulous flavored lemonades (Raspberry), and only after I started sucking it down did the server mention that there were no refills. After that, even getting refills on regular lemonade and water was like pulling teeth. (One thing I don’t like about Canada.)

But that’s not why I wanted to post. “Casey” was very interesting, despite the fact that she got Johnny Depp, Sean Penn and Brad Pitt confused. (Honestly, outside of Corky on LIFE GOES ON, who would do this? But I digress.)

Somehow during the conversation we started talking about her sisters and she mentioned buying underwear for them. This totally cracked me up, because as far as I know, no guy would willingly buy underwear for his brother if the world depended on it. (Right now my brother Achmed, who doesn’t even read this column, just sat up and felt pain.)

Casey said it was a girl thing, and this seemed reasonable. I once worked with this girl named “Heidi,” who claimed that when women were newly in a relationship with guys, they wouldn’t go to the bathroom around them. (We’re not talking about peeing here, in case you were confused.)

I was flabbergasted. “What do you do?” I asked.

“Hold it.” She responded. Heidi went on further to tell me that once she was traveling with this guy for a week, in the same hotel rooms, and didn’t go to the bathroom once. I get a stomach ache just thinking about it.

So, I have no problem believing that women will do the craziest things imaginable. Seriously—and I mean no disrespect here—you’re all lunatics and should be considered such by the Law.

However, the bathroom thing at least makes a twisted kind of sense. Some guys might get turned off by the idea that—gasp!—a girl’s stomach does the same thing to food that it does to guys’.

[Hyperion is always looking for an excuse to post pictures like this]

But I’m not so sure about the underwear thing. Could this be just Casey’s bizarre fetish, or is this legitimate? Casey’s explanation was that well-fitting underwear is hard to find, and so when a girl finds a brand/kind that fits, she is likely to buy some for her sister.

So I ask you, the Hyperion Nation, to weigh in. If you’re a girl, have you or would you ever buy underwear for a sister? And just to be fair, are there any brave guys out there who have brought drawers for their bro?

The Faye List

So, the other day I decided to make a list of my favorite Fay/Fayes. This is just one of the things you do at 4:30 in the morning when you can’t figure out how to write a character into a scene that’s already chock full and you’ll do anything to not be working.

I started with my least favorite Faye, from the web-comic Questionable Content. Hyperion Institute member Laureate got me into the comic, and I enjoy it, but the character Faye annoys me to no end. She’s rude to everyone, and everyone seems to forgive her as if she’s a quality person underneath. Grrr.

Tina Fey would be next. For some strange reason that I can’t quite fathom, I find her inordinately attractive in those glasses when she does the fake news on SNL. However, the fact that she’s on SNL in the first place places her low on the list.

Fay Valentine goes next on the list, of COWBOY BEBOP fame. Those who are familiar simply know that COWBOY BEBOP is the best of its kind ever made. We don’t blame those who don’t know, but we are sad for you people (kind of like how it’s not someone’s fault if they’ve never been to Chik-Fil-A, but you still grieve for them). Anyway, Fay Valentine is this annoying greedy selfish woman who still manages to be interesting and compelling at the same time. Her back-story is breathtaking, but I won’t say any more in case one of you checks it out.

This would have left me with Library Faye at the top of the list. She works every Tuesday, and I always manage to go on that day (funny how that works). She wears this really cool butterfly necklace that changes colors when heated (sad to say I have not managed to see this yet, but one remains hopeful), and she actually blushes! You remember when girls blushed, right? It’s a lost art.

Except, I was at the library yesterday, and I mentioned my “Faye” list to Faye, and she mentions Fay Wray, of the original KING KONG fame. Now, if you were on top of a name-list, wouldn’t you want to keep quiet about some leggy blonde who is attracted to beasts? (Something which, if you’ve met me, would be an obvious plus.) I mentioned this to Library Faye, but while she was chagrined, she said she wouldn’t want to win the Faye contest in a loophole.

It’s this kind of honor (sadly lacking in so many young women of Today) that almost made me give her bonus points and move her up the list, but then I remembered how Fay Wray would scream and jump into the nearest man’s arms. Hard to compete with that.

Edit: I totally thought I had included Faye Dunaway. She would be above Tina Fey. On the plus side, she's forever hot in BONNIE AND CLYDE. On the not-so-plus side, she's not that hot in everything else.

Victory is Mine

The script is finished and I say

"Victory is Mine,
Victory is mine.
I quaff from the cup o' Glory,
Because Victory is Mine.

Bring me the finest Beef Jerky and Skittles in all the land!"

[did I mention the script is done?]

Help a brother out

I did think of one thing you can maybe help me with.

Friday night at Denny's we met these girls (over an argument about who sang the '80s song "Joey." One of the girls was hot AND intelligent, two things that rarely go together, so of course Hyperion was pleased. She asked if I was into speed-metal, and seemed disappointed that I wasn't. (Sort of a back-handed compliment, I guess). She even gave me all these speed-metal bands to listen to.

Now, I will listen to anything that's good, but I confess, I don't know enough about speed-metal to decipher the difference at this point. So, someone who's a fan, help Hyperion out. What should I be looking for when I listen to these songs?

Hyperion delivers smiles

I know I'm doing a lot of links lately, which is no substitute for my actual words, but you have to cut me a bit of slack. I'm killing myself trying to get a script done and a new website up. 'Couple of days and I'll have more time to regale you with tales.

In the meantime, here are three things to brighten your day:

73-year old man kills leopard with bare hands

Rejected Crayola Colors (borderline for Quincy)

Dude on the Home Shopping Network stabs himself (not as funny as the grape-stomping woman, but pretty close)

I think I need to live at Denny's

Another crazy night at Denny's. I have so much to share with you, but am too tired right now. Need sleep first, and then I promise to regale you with tales.

In the meantime, this is, I promise, the funniest thing you have seen all week. Guaranteed.


Try not to laugh yourself to death

Get your revenge on Baywatch

Who wants to fight celebrities?

(you get to start with David Hasselhoff!)

Begin thrashing Famous People

Google Song

What's been missing in your life:

A song about Google

A Woman's Place

I know you're going to think this is made up, but it's not. I read the 1960 edition of BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING, and much of the advice to women was word-for-word the same. My purporse isn't to lampoon the past, but to ask this: the authors and editors of these books were actually women. Were these women brainwashed, prisoners of their time, subject to the wills of more powerful men, or what?




A Woman's Place

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with alot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some Dont's: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Maybe it's me (part 2)

Yesterday and today is one of the saddest times of the year for me. Yesterday was the longest day of the year, and from now on, the days will start getting shorter. This happens to me twice a year (it's even worse in December, since I crave night).

Basically, and I know no other way to put this, I feel sad for how hard the day has worked to get longer and longer, all that effort for six months, and then "poof" it's over and they have to wait a entire year to have again. In some ways, I suppose it's like Christmas, which we look forward to as kids for so long and then BANG it's gone in a rush. I remember always being a tiny bit sad at Christmas when I was younger (and celebrated that day).

The big difference is that I actually sympathize and feel for the "Day" and the "Night" as if they are actual entities. I don't know if anyone else gets physically sad on these days, mourning the loss hard work put in, or maybe it's just me.

Why Hyperion does not post his picture for you to look at

I know some of you have seen this before, but it's so funny it's worth posting again. I can't decide whether my favorite is the Van Gogh, or Legolas. Somewhere someone is getting rich off of therapy.

Whatchu talkin' about, Internet?

What to get the dad who destroys everything

A few people wrote to ask me advice this last weekend. They didn't know what to get their dads, who were all bums. I couldn't really help them, since my dad is Awesome, but take heart all of you who wrote in:

You are not alone

It's all Greek to me

One of my favorite games is Wizard, which is a bidding game (like Sevens or Rook), but with the added complexity of Wizards and Jesters added in. I found the game online, and yesterday took a break from all the hard work to play for the first time. (By the way, feel free to download the software and join me sometime. It's a blast.)

I couldn't use my regular name, Hyperion, as my screen name, so I used another name I often go by, tufloi. (It's an acronym, but also a Greek word. Long Story.)

When I first popped up, the host of the game was making conversation, and asked if I was French (guessing from the name). This is how he put it:

Host: tufloi....French?

I answered: Thanks, but I hardly know you

hee hee hee

Later on, I explained my name was actually Greek, to which the Host responded, "Thanks, but I'll pass on that too."


[By the way, if you didn't get the second part of that, congratulate yourself on having a pure heart. The rest of you are cracking up]

Origins of Harriet

11 people wrote in querying the origins of "Harriet." Astoundingly, two people actually figured it out. Color me impressed. Also, I'm pleasantly pleased to realize that many folks cared.

In honor of this, for the first (and perhaps only time), I will explain the origins of Harriet.

In 1852 a book by Harriet Beecher Stowe called Uncle Tom's Cabin was published. It dealt with slavery, and was quite controversial. In 1862 Harriet met President Abraham Lincoln, who reportedly greeted her with, "So you're the lady who brought us this big war."

Anyway, Harriet was the original "Anonymous," and since her posting sparked a firestorm (including launching her logic-deprived permanently-on-the-rag but-still-hot counterpart, Anonymous 2), I thought it only fitting that her alias be "Harriet."

And there you go.

What you never knew you needed in your life

Star Wars Oragami

Truer Words...

I have a few profound things I've written, but I'm not sure I want to post them here. I have to think about it. After all, I'm no match for anonymous commenters who would tear me to shreds with their inpenetrable logic.

So while I decide whether to bare my soul, take a look at this:


Truer words were never spoken

Snatched from the jaws of death

Something has been spiking our electric bill by thousands of percentage points. My father has been trying to isolate the cause, and turned off the breaker on the steam shower and jacuzzi tub, in case one or both was using power even when off.

The problem is, the circuit breakers are in my room.

Anyway, today is Father's Day, and more importantly, the final round of the US Open. Yet, in spite of those two things I was willingly sleeping as long as I could. (That bad a night.) Anyone who knows how I feel about the US Open (and my father for that matter), should realize how tired that makes me.

So, what do you think my reaction was when my sister woke me 15 minutes ago, under the guise of "dinner," but really so I would turn on the circuit and she could take a jacuzzi bath?

I'm not a violent man, but if it had been physically possible for me to move at pace faster than a quadrapalegic, this might be a very different post.

the birth of Harriet

I declared the war over, an Amnesty passed (quite magnanimously, in my opinion), only to get sniped at by (presumably) Second Anonymous responder. I was going to jump right in, and then I heard Bear's words (like he was a dead Obi-Won Kenobi whispering words of the Force in my ear), "You can't argue with these people.

The problem is that I generally use an argument technique called "logic." This is clearly a foreign language to some, and thus trying to use logic when others don't even seem to be aware it exists is akin to speaking Chinese when all others speak Greek.

So I'll let it go.

However, it comes to my attention that my original anonymous responder celebrates a special day today. Since I finally know who she is, I am officially giving her an alias: Harriet. (I feel like I’m in a delivery room.) Harriet, from now on, (when you post trouble-making comments that incite those poor unfortunate souls who couldn’t properly argue their way out of a paper bag), use Harriet. At least there will be on less anonymous.

And while I’m at it, I got you three presents. I’ll give you one now:

Be Happy, Harriet

The rest of you prepare yourselves. I have some unexpeted time on my hands, and will soon be posting great questions for you.

Don't moo at me with those puppy dog eyes

So, up here in the Witness Protection Program it has been raining almost nonstop for a week. There are floods, etc.

Anyway, today on the way home I passed a field and saw all the cows out there in the rain. They were huddled up against each other, presumably for warmth, and did not look like happy cows.

Now, I'd like to preface what I'm about to say by averring that I am not an animal-rights guy. I had chicken and pork for dinner, and I'll eat a hamburger any time without qualms. That being said, it certainly appeared to me that the cows were miserable out there in the rain.

[Think about it. have you ever worn leather out in pelting rain? It sucks, doesn't it?]

Why am I bringing all of this up? Well, it seems to me that misery implies a certain awareness of one's surroundings. And awareness--in this sense--seems to imply a sort of intelligence, more than is generally ascribed to cows. Following this logic through, it brings up some disturbing ramifications.

One of the many things I will be sure to discuss with Marcellus tonight over steak at Colorado's.

Last Word on the Flame War....for now

It seems the flame war has died down. I was going to write this a few days ago, but I thought I'd make sure tempers were rested, etc. That and late-night movies have sapped some of my strength.

Anyway, I should have expected the minor firestorm. Bear tried to warn me that fighting with people in cyber space is inherently impossible, because people engage on various levels, don't get humor, and other factors. As he put it: "The wonders of the Internet allow you to talk to someone in Groznyy, but do they care?"

I finally figured out who the original Anonymous Responder was. And--my suspect evidence or not--she was, as I said all along--a woman. However, honesty compels me to admit that while I pegged the gender correctly, I would never in a million years have guessed who it actually was. That piece of information floored me. Je suis humbled.

The second Anonymous responder wondered why I would take the word of Stephen Hawking over him/her. I thought the point was obvious as a hole in the head, but clearly I miscommunicated. What I meant: when people write in, they need to back up what they say. This is part of the Hyperion Institute, and we have standards. I wrote that perhaps Stephen Hawking might get away with just giving his unsupported opinion, but even he would probably have to pony up the evidence. My anonymous friends, however, do not have a reputation to fall back on.

Why? This part keeps getting missed, so follow closely:

THEY ARE ANONYMOUS! I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE, EVEN IF I WAS GOING TO TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT.

In other words, you can come on here and refuse to use a name (although I find that cowardly). What you cannot do is come on without any name, give an opinion like "I disagree" and expect me to let it go. This isn't some gab-fest on the phone with your girlfriends. Ya gotz to have some reasons.

Actually, what would make the whole thing easier, is for everyone who posts to pick a name. It doesn't have to be your name, if you fear that. Hyperion understands the intimidation factor, posting on his websites, scared to go to sleep at night, afraid that he will swat down your weak arguments. But at least pick a name, and don't take other people's, once you've seen then reply.

For my part, I promise to be kindler and gentler to commenters, and not get too engaged with them over minutiae (although I find it fun).

Bottom line: war's over; everyone come on back. (Even you Quincy. You WILL comment one day, or I will start a forwarded email campaign to destroy you.) Oh, and one other thing: always remember than when it was all said and done, I was right. It was a woman. But a pretty one, so we'll let it go.

I see one Horseman. Is there another?

I think this is a joke. Sadly, it's impossible to tell

Maxim's newest threat

Goozigle my Niggel

If the Zombie Video Game is the creepiest thing I've seen in awhile (and it is), Google's latest might be the funniest. What it does is takes a normal website and translates it into the "Hood."

Try it on one of my sites, and your own favorite site. You'll laugh yourself sick.

Gangstafy your favorite website now

The future of Video Games

Okay, I cannot vouch that this is real, but there is nothing I know of that would prohibit from being real. Truly one of the creepiest things I've ever seen, and why I do not play video games

Zombie Video Game

(Quincy safe)

Post Secret

When I first ran across this site, I thought it would be all tawdry scandal, good for a cheap laugh.

I was way way way wrong.

Post Secret is a project that asks people to send in their deepest secrets on post cards, and then they are posted on the web. I can't vouch that they are all authentic, but if even some of them are...

Quite simply, I was blown away by the confessions I read. I am not a sentimental person, but my heart ached for some of these people, and I'm not afraid to say it got a bit dusty in the room at some of them (if you know what I mean).

Anyway, take a look at Post Secret.

I think you'll be glad you did.

Jessica, we hardly knew ye

Okay: to raise the level of discourse here, I ask the question, "When did Jessica Simpson turn into a whore?"

Seriously: when she first came on the scene she was beautiful, but squeaky clean, yes? I seem to remember her talk all the time about how she was a Christian and everything. Then her videos started getting a bit sexier, but were still miles away from the Britneys and Christinas of the world.

Then she got married and showed the world she was an idiot, but a successful one. I'm not sure that's either here or there, but I bring it up just in case it's relevant.

Because of the fame that came from her marriage (and subsquent TV show Newlyweds), Jessica landed the part of Daisy Duke in the upcoming DUKES OF HAZZARD movie. When I first heard about this I was disturbed that blonde Jessica would play Daisy, but when I heard that Uncle Jesse was being portrayed by Willie Nelson, and Burt Reynolds was attempting Boss Hogg, I at least thought it might be passable. I mean, let's be honest: as much as I loved that show as a kid, it was pretty dumb to start with, so Jessica Simpson makes an inspired choice. (Along with Seann William Scott as Bo and Johnny Knoxville as Luke, both fairly stupid in their own right.)

But a few days ago the first music video to the movie arrives. Worst yet, it's a remake of "These Boots were made for walking" by Nancy Sinatra. This alone would be enough to make old Blue Eyes turn over in his grave, but the video itself.....

But don't just take my word for it. Watch the Jessica Simpson cover of "These Boots were made for Walking" right now.

There is no nudity or anything like that, so it's "Quincy-safe" (although his wife may have a different idea). But still....it's tremendously disturbing. I mean, not that I was EVER a fan, but somebody please tell me, what happened to Jessica Simpson? Who thought this was a good idea?

Okay, mabe that's a stupid question. Sex-appeal sells. But not forever. Does Jessica really want to go down this path? I mean, there is a part of that video that looks more like Christina Aguillera's "Dirrrrrty" than anything else.

[One of the biggest problems is her use of eye-liner, which is one more reason why eye liner is the biggest scourge this world faces today. But more on that later.]

Anyway, if you have Windows Media Player you can watch the video, and then post your comment? What's up with Jessica? Any theories?

More Readers Hate Me

People, I really am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you have to meet me half-way. I received three more comments—I don’t have proof but the timing leads me to conclude they are the same person—on the “Anonymous Responder” controversy of last week. Here are the three comments, and then I will attempt to explain what the sky is above us:

I am a different anonymus. Why care about gender or name? Respond to people, their issues and opinions. You just don't have to be responsible for making them seem coherant. Plus, if people wanted to be nameless but still specific the could use "other."

Anyway, I disagree with you comment on women. But that's niether here nor there.

Likewise, I disagree with your view on men.

Also, I think your evidence for stating that "anonymus" is a woman is poor.

Okay, I’m going to go through this slowly, as clearly not all of you have managed to kick your paint-thinner habit. Originally (and feel free to scroll down and read this yourself), “Anonymous” asked what Callipygian meant. Ignoring the fact they she was too lazy or unwilling to look up said word herself, all I asked was that this person send me an email, and I would answer her personally, as I did not want to tell the whole world (or I already would have).

Instead I got a scolding response by presumably the same person, and at this point decided to have a little fun. I posted the scolding reply, and began to use forensics to try to figure out something about the person. I concluded it must be a woman.

So, to answer the first question of this latest responder, I don’t really care about the gender or name, but in this case I wasn’t going to answer to everyone, and wanted to know who it was. Rebuffed at my attempt, I did a tongue-in-cheek analysis. I wasn’t attempting to provide evidence on the level of a criminal trial, but merely have fun with it all. Nevertheless, I stand by my assertion. In your heart of hearts, every single one of you thinks the original responder was a woman. Men rarely get that pissy unless there is a scoring problem in their fantasy sports league.

Here’s the bigger problem: This second nameless responder says he/she disagrees with my conclusions and proof. With all due respect, so what? I don’t even know who you are. What does the claim that you disagree mean to me? If you were Stephen Hawking I MIGHT care that you disagreed. For anyone else, it’s the same standard: back up what you say with reasons, evidence, and logic. Even my poking fun at the comment—though not meant to be taken completely seriously—offered an evidentiary argument.

Look what Dominique did. She responded with a rebuttal that it must have been a man, because of their propensity to not ask for directions. Now, on the face of it, that argument is absurd. Using that analogy, it would be more likely for a man to pretend to already know what the word meant than ask someone. But I didn’t give her a lot of grief, because I felt there was a good chance she was also being tongue-in-cheek and just adding to the mix, and because-absurd argument or not—at least she had a reason to back up her opinion!

You want to say “I disagree with your comment on women” or “I disagree with your view on men.” Alert the media. Want to impress me? Have something to say, and back it up. In a bigger sense, you’re right: overall it doesn’t matter what the name or gender is (although I dislike people posting anonymously, afraid of reprisal, but since I set up the system I’ll live it for now). It does matter, however, when you write inanities without a moment’s thought.

Look, people: I really want you all to respond, and I’m happy at what I’ve gotten. But you must understand that here at the Hyperion Institute we have standards, and if you bring your weak stuff it’s gonna get knocked back at you.

Learn it. Live it, and hide your women and children if necessary.

In honor of Achmed

I'm pretty sure my brother Achmed doesn't visit any of my websites, but if he ever does, I have something he'd appreciate: Jack Handy.

How many of you remember "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy on SNL? For awhile, it was the only funny thing on the show. (Then the show got a bit funnier for a time, and then decided to become absolutely retched, but that's another story).

Anyway, here are some "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy.

to keep the dogs at bay until I get my act together

Hyperion Institute Council member Bear came up to visit me for a week. I took him to the airport at 5:30 this morning after being out all night (more on that later). I kind of have one of those existential hang overs. Having him here reminded me of how much I miss those no-holds-barred intellectual conversations we used to have.

Anyway, I'm working on some stuff from the time he was here, but in the meantime, a couple of websites for those of you with dark senses of humor.

NOTE: MY MOTHER AND QUINCY SHOULD NOT CLICK ON THESE

The rest of you sick twisted freaks: enjoy


Children's Literature for the 21st Century


Hallmark Breakup Cards

Flaws in the Response System

I got to be honest: I'm not sure this "anonymous response" thing is the way to go. For example, after I posted an email from "Anonymous," and then mocked that email, I get this:

Anonymous said...

maybe I am just a conspiracy theorist like yourself

12:57 AM

Now, I would not have expected her to act this way. Of course, we all know women have as much consistency as the weather, so maybe she just did a 180. However, it's equally possible that THIS IS A DIFFERENT PERSON!!! How am I supposed to know, and mock accordingly? I tell you the truth: it's tough to be a webmaster.


I should point out that not everyone is convinced that "Anonymous Questioner" is even a girl in the first place.

Dominique said...

HYRPERION!!!!! HOW DARE YOU?!? (& I am tempted to use a longer name than that, MISTER MAN!)

Anonymous MUST be a MAN! Obviously too ignorant to look up any work in the dictionary, which is about equal to not stopping & asking directions! There are even online dictionaries in this day & age too.

9:41 AM

I will admit that SOME men do have this problem, but c'mon! How many women do you know ask men to do something they are perfectly capable of, but just don't want to? "Will you kill that spider?" "Will you open this jar?" "Will you call and say we can't go to the party?" "Will you return the video?"

Anyone else got any analysis?

Why Hyperion will never get married

Okay, gang: I realize that mocking my responders is not the best way to get the rest of you to respond, but c'mon! Some of you are eating crazy sandwiches.

I have it set up so that people can leave comments on the website anonymously. I get an email notification when someone does respond. I got one yesterday asking about the meaning of callipygian, and responded with a post asking who was it who wanted to know, since I wasn't going to tell the whole world.

Sadly, the original Anonymous Questioner was incensed by my request, and left this comment:


The "anonymous" identity is there for a reason. If you won't answer something as simple as what does callipygian mean without our name, what makes you think we would share something as personal as our bladder habits and sex lives? Oh, and by the way, I might think about emailing you at the chronicles with some of this, but you have about three emails from me that you have yet to answer so maybe we could start there


Oh where to begin? I WILL answer the question, or at least I would. It seems reasonable to me that if you wanted to know what a word means, and, let's be honest, are too lazy to look it up yourself, you could at least give your name. How is this difficult? Especially seeing as how the Anonymous Questioner “claims” to have three unanswered emails.

Not to belittle the questioner, but do you all realize how much email I get about this column? True, not as much as I’d like, but still quite a bit. I do try to answer every single one, but it takes some time.

Secondly, no one is making you share your bladder habits. I just wondered if I was alone in pee-dreams. Furthermore, Anonymous Questioner makes it seem like he/she’s offended by my posting, as if he/she is forced to read it. It is voluntary, you know.

So, that’s that with that. However, since I’m sure I’ve already pissed this person off, let’s go a step further and try to deduce some details about his/her life.

1) He/she tells me the anonymous tag is there for a reason. I realize this, as, and this part may be tricky, so read carefully, I SET IT UP THAT WAY. So, Anonymous Questioner is telling me what I already know.

2) Asking for the name of the person is not the same as asking if anyone had similar experiences as mine. Setting aside the quasi-rhetorical nature of the posting-questions, my asking for the name was a wholly separate thing. So, Anonymous Questioner was confusing two very different matters and blurring them together.

3) Anonymous Questioner claims to have unanswered emails in my inbox, which implies that he/she writes me. In other words, supposedly I already know his/her name. Why be so secretive, then? So, anonymous questioner creates mystery where none need exist.

4) Finally, and perhaps most damning, the anonymous questioner seems incensed I have not answered his/her questions yet, which implies he/she thinks that all my time should be spent appeasing him/her.

Let’s put it all together: Telling me things I already know, confusing two different issues, making things more difficult and confusing than need be and demanding all of my time. People, I don’t think I’m on much of a limb here by stating that categorically, Anonymous Questioner is a WOMAN. I choose to believe it is a hot woman, as I’d rather have some fire-breathing chick mad at me than a run-of-the-mill whiner. So, hot girl, come out come out whomever you are.

more on peeing

Speaking of peeing, I was thinking of this the other day. Sometimes when I'm dreaming I (or some other character) really really has to piss. Not to be vulgar, but that's what happens. And it just gets worse and worse. So the character eventually pees, but either he has to pee again, or someone else in the dream has to pee. Eventually my brain gets the idea and I wake up and stumble into the bathroom and take aim.

Here's my question: does this happen to anyone else? I've never heard anyone talk about this before, so I don't know if (like many other strange things in Hyperon's life) I am all alone with this, or if many others have it happen to them to. Post a comment and let me know if I am the only one.

And while I'm on the subject (because when is this going to come up again), I can never figure out how all those people in movies and TV can have sex right after waking up. Usually the first thing I think of is "get to the bathroom, NOW!" I certainly wouldn't dream of trying to do something else, let alone another function with said peeing aparatus. Yet I can't count how many times in movies or on television the characters wake up, kiss each other (apparently without bad breath) and then immediately go at it. Again, is this just me?

Jesus Rocks

This site has a ton of bad langauge, so don't go there if that offends you, but I almost peed myself reading it:

Jesus Rocks

Callipygian

Someone left a comment asking what Callipygian was, but they didn't leave their name! Have some courage, you knucklehead, and leave your name. Or write me at hyperionchronicles@shaw.ca and ask again and I'll send you the answer.

I'm on Google!

So, just for fun, I Googled "Hyperion Institute" to see what would come up. I was there. There wasn't any text to go along with it (does anyone know how to get that in?), but at least I was there. Then I took out the quotation marks, to see if I was still there.

227,000 entries. How far down would I be? I started looking. I got to page 8 and BAM! there I was, #79. I was so proud I could hardly stand it.

Tooth Brush Manifesto

It's the middle of the night and I just got up to use the bathroom. I decided to brush my teeth while I was up. I've been doing this a lot more lately. I just brushed them a couple of hours ago, but already my mouth tastes terrible, and sometimes a swig or two of water isn't cutting it. Does anyone else have this problem? Maybe it's the horrible air up here in Canada.

Anyway, it reminds me of this thing I read about tooth brushes awhile back. Hold on a minute and I'll get it: http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a990416.html

The gist is: wondering whether the toilet shoots up a fine mist after it's flushed, and therefore how far away one should keep the tooth brush.

Now, admittedly I've always had a little bit of a germ fetish. People who don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom: I think they should be killed. (And for the girl who wrote last night and asked me where I got my strong sense of social consciousness: take that!)

Okay, maybe I'm being a tad harsh, and with my refusal to ever dust I'm sure my mother would laugh at my cleanliness jihad, but when I comes to certain things I am adamant. And when I read this article, I moved my tooth brush. At first I put it in a drawer, inside a Ziploc baggie. However, I wasn't sure that process didn't create more germs itself. Now I keep the toothbrush in an entirely different room, which makes it inconvenient, but gives me more peace of mind.

What I don't get is: I've shared this information with others. And all I get back is scorn. Refusal to change their habits, and mockery for mine. I know I can be weird and fanatical, but explain this one to me: how is the guy who, oh, how do we put it--doesn't want feces all over his tooth brush!--the weird one?

Sheer Perversity

I was talking to Molly about this the other night, and I'm hoping someone can help me with the appropriate term.

Have you ever heard a song that you just HATE, but for some reason cannot stop listening to it? The same thing sometimes happens to me with commericials; I loathe them, and yet watch them any way.

This came up when we were talking about Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" which drives me nuts. And yet, I downloaded it, and have been listening to it quite a bit.

What is wrong with me? And is there a word for this? Can anybody help?