Monday, November 06, 2006

Love is a Battlefield! Part 13

It happens all the time: you meet a great guy and over the course of a few dates you get to know him better. He's funny. He's smart. He's employed. He seems to understand the basic fundamentals of hygiene.

And then...the skeletons come out of the closet. He's feeling comfortable with you after a few dates and decides to let you know that he's been married. Five times. Also he used to sell meth to carnies and he's missing part of his left toe due to an unfortunate accident involving absinthe and a John Deere tractor.

So now, all that time and effort is wasted as you try to think of a polite way to make a hasty retreat and possibly change your phone number when you get home. Surely, you think, there must be a way to find out such vital information before you wasted three perfectly good Saturday nights and dropped $75 at the MAC counter!

Never fear, for Sea Hag is here and has come up with a solution to this dilemma: The Sea Hag Survey. Now you can determine the size of the emotional Samsonite your suitor is carrying before devoting time and money to the chase!

Today's lesson: Survey says...

Congratulations! You may be on the righteous pathway to my panties. However, before embarking on this trip, there are a few things I need to know about you. Please be honest, and handwriting counts!

I am (please circle all that apply):
* afraid of commitment
* planning on stalking you
* a recovering addict (specify which addiction, if applicable):
* a father (specify how many children, if applicable):
* a divorcee (specify how many times divorced, if applicable):
* still married
* a social pariah
* not a believer in monogamy
* never going to get over my ex
* unthinkably self-centered
* suffering from an incurable tropical disease and/or parasites
* living with my parents
* incapable of emotional expression of any kind
* a convicted felon
* missing body parts (specify which body parts, if applicable):
* an illegal alien
* an actual alien (specify home planet or solar system, if applicable):
* looking for a sugar mama
* unskilled in the ways of pleasing a woman
* an avid scab collector
* living in my car
* going to steal your underwear when you're not looking
* defrauding an insurance company
* just using you for revenge

Thank you for your participation!



Hyperion said...

I once dated a girl whose dad made me fill out a very similar questionnaire.

Good times

tiff said...

Not that being an alien is necessarily a bad thing.

A most excellent list!