Monkeys know clutch

Enough of this feminist talk from LJS. She is going to be the first barefoot and pregnant pirate in known history.

Let's talk about something important, which would be March Madness. This year has been one of the most boring, chalk tournaments in recent memory, save for Davidson. So I figured for my first barn post, I would share some of the greatest memories in my own college basketball memory bank. Buzzer beaters!

There is Bryce Drew leading Valparaiso, which sounds like a college in Greece, not Indiana, past Mississippi in 1998.



Then we have Tate George of Uconn, knocking off NCAA Violation in the making Clemson in 1990.

UCONN 1990


And of course, there is Christian Laettner, who by the way defeated the 1990 UConn team with Tate George on a buzzer beater. But his greatest college moment may have been in the greatest college basketball game I have ever seen, vs Kentucky in 1992.



What say you, did I miss one?

That's it! LJS quits!

In light of Hyperion's porcine posting -enlightening how us ladies can use food to seduce men and advocating turning back feminism, I hereby declare myself dropping out of school. Afterall, Lynzee said college isn't necessary. And there's plenty of men looking for a wife that will "reject the of ferocity, arrogance, independence, and the goal of being a liberated woman as modern society defines it-—having a mind of her own and either no time, desire, or respect for her husband or family"

Why am I wasting my time trying to detect arthritis early when I can be home cooking for my man?? Not any more! As of today, I am stay-at-home LJS. Pirating in a home near you! I am equipped with lethal bonbons and sharp steak knives, and cooking wholesome meals. Just because I'm stay-at-home doesn't mean I can't be bad-ass.

(Oh yeah, why is the guy in that video so frumpy and the woman is total glam? What is it with this silly male fantasy?! Do you guys really think that if you don't shower, shave, dress well or take care of yourselves that we'll swoon??)

NFL owners will consider the length of hair flowing from helmets

Buzz Up PrintNEW YORK (AP)—Troy Polamalu might not have to worry about getting tackled again by his hair.

At their meetings in Palm Beach, Fla., next week, NFL owners will consider a proposal to ban players from having hair flow from their helmets below their names on the back of their jerseys.

That might affect Polamalu’s image, but help him on the field. Two seasons ago, the Pittsburgh safety with the long ponytail had his hair grabbed by Kansas City’s Larry Johnson and was thrown to the turf after an interception against the Chiefs.

The rule banning long hair on the field was proposed by Kansas City. It does not require players to get haircuts, but does “require them to tuck it up inside their helmets,” said Atlanta president Rich McKay, chairman of the league’s competition committee.

Polamalu is the best known of the players, most of them defensive backs, with hair flowing outside their helmets. Others include cornerbacks Al Harris of Green Bay and Mike McKenzie of New Orleans.

Because the rule was proposed by a team, the competition committee did not take a position on it. It will be discussed Monday with a package of other rules.

How to Seduce Him with Food

Time to set Feminism back 40 years, Ladies!

Via Dolorosa

and just to show equal time, Happy Easter from that other meaning of the day.....

Happy Easter!

Rabbit Tales

[this was originally supposed to be an all-monkeys project, but I lost heart and decided to just do it this way instead]


Okay, friend reader; I have a game for you. As you may have noticed, I have gone bunny crazy over on my home page. One of the pictures was a tad too racy for those sheltered folk, which makes it perfect for you degenerates!

My goal, as is yours, should you choose to play along in the comments, is to come up with the first and last sentence of a story based on the picture below. You do not have to provide the story. Frankly, we don't want to read it. All I care about is the first and last sentences of the story. Surely you can do that!

Here is the picture:




And here is my first attempt:

First Sentence:

"Jane would later reflect that the idea of breeding chocolate bunnies like regular bunnies would only seem wise (and only be attempted) by the very odd and the very Very inebriated."

Last Sentence:

"'On the bright side,' said Jane, wiping her mouth of the last of them, 'I no longer have to worry about getting pregnant.'"

CAN YOU DO BETTER?

Naked Woman Pictures Gain Popularity on the Internet

[This article comes from The Onion. I have reprinted it here because the original link contains the picture they are talking about, which some of you can't/shouldn't go to. But if you're brave, and have an understanding boss, see the article in full context here]

SAN FRANCISCO—According to leading web experts, a photo of an unidentified naked woman has caused an online sensation after appearing on the Internet sometime last week.

The inexplicably popular photograph, which features the woman exposing both breasts as well as providing an unobstructed view of her vagina, has been visited an estimated 750,000 times since it was first discovered two months ago.

[image censored for uptight female readers]

The popularity of "Subject X," as the naked lady is known in academic circles, has baffled researchers.

"For some reason, people cannot seem to get enough of the naked woman picture," said Michael Vianna, a web analyst for Comstar Market Research who has been closely following the trend. "Though the image displays no discernible function or real-world application, it continues to enjoy immense popularity with Internet users. It is utterly perplexing."

Vianna, who closely examined the photograph over several days in an attempt to understand its appeal, said that the nude-lady photo falls completely outside typical uses for the Internet, like checking e-mail or accessing helpful information such as tax laws and driving directions. Even more unusual, the photo contains no information regarding the woman's acting or modeling career, her possible relevance to American history, or name.

"This image contains no encrypted data or practical content of any kind," Vianna said. "Even more baffling is that, in terms of web traffic, this seemingly pointless image has vastly surpassed websites as informative and indispensable as WebMD.com and Yahoo! News."

"If only she were wearing a T-shirt with some slogan on it or standing in front of a national monument, perhaps then we could begin to understand this enigmatic image," Vianna continued. "In the end, however, it is simply a picture of an unclothed female approximately 20 to 30 years of age posed with her breasts and vagina clearly visible."

According to Vianna's research, there are no significant patterns relating to the viewing behavior of those accessing the picture except that the majority of the traffic usually comes late at night. And, though web-usage reports indicate that the naked woman picture interests people of all ages, income brackets, and ethnic backgrounds, there is no evidence that the photo has ever been shared with viewers' family members or coworkers, or featured in a CNN.com photojournalism slide show.

"It appears as if every one of yesterday's 27,430 viewers accessed this specific portrait independently of one another, and may even have searched for it intentionally," Vianna said. "What could have driven them all to seek out this particular photo of an anonymous, undressed woman? We may never know."

Enlarge Image

The unaccountable popularity of outwardly useless Internet content such as the naked woman picture is not unheard of. According to freelance web consultant Joseph Ziarko, these Internet "memes" are difficult to explain, as there are no factors to dictate why something as nonfunctional as a 6 x 9" digital capture of a well-endowed, tan-skinned woman lightly moistened by either sweat or beach water would interest so many people.

"No one really understands why these things catch on," Ziarko said. "Like the Hamster Dance website from a few years back or the recent interest in LOLCats, there is some intangible quality about this photo that thousands of otherwise-normal people find captivating. Maybe the fact that it is in such sharp focus."

Though interest in the photo currently remains high, Ziarko predicted that the Internet-using public will soon tire of the naked woman picture once the web is saturated with images from imitators attempting to duplicate its popularity.

"By next month, the Internet could be home to literally hundreds of pictures of naked women," Ziarko said. "There's simply no way the trend can sustain itself. People will very quickly get bored with the constant barrage of bare breasts and vaginas."

Many experts agree with Ziarko, but others in the field have suggested that the picture could spark a lucrative industry in which images of naked women are licensed to decorate promotional gas-station soda cups.

Got Milk?

Half the fucking world starving, and what do our food scientists spend their time on?

Making sure you ridiculous white people don't ever accidentally buy less than fresh milk.


Sheesh.

Just plain words

Until yesterday, I was a Hillary gal. Until I read this. And then, today, this.
Yes, they are just words. But, damn. They are fine.

:) LJS

St. Joseph's Day

Today is St. Joseph's Day, which is the Italian-American version of St. Patrick's Day.

As such, you are honor-bound to eat Italian food




and watch an Italian movie



Also permissible would be anything with Monica Bellucci. (Actually, it is perfectly appropriate to do this every day of the year.)




YOU'VE BEEN TOLD!

We are the World - Japanese Style

I fully expect Schrodinger's head to explode, and frankly, I'm prepared for that.

Dragonette

I listen to Canadian radio stations on the web, maybe because I miss the ol' maple, but mostly because they tend to get music America doesn't. The Frosties generally get American music simultaneously as down here, but get Canadian music first (duh), as well as more "european" faire.
What is continually surprising to me is how often talented acts from Canada or Europe DO NOT make it to the States. I will never get over my shock the fact that K-os's "Crabuckit" did not become song of the year down here.

You will recall I first alerted you to Mika and Live on Arrival? Well, say hello to Dragonette.

I heard this band and I can't get over them. The sound is punkesque, yet has an early '80s feel to it. Then I saw the video. Criminy Jistmas!

There is a 155% chance this song will end up on an upcoming season of The L Word. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the main theme song! (And before you scoff, recall that I absolutely nailed "Laisse Tombe Les Filles" making Tarantino's new movie)

Now, as far as this video goes, there are some women who seem taken with each other, so if you're offended by that, NEVER COME BACK TO MONKEY BARN AGAIN!

Here's the video:




In case you get obsessed like I am, here are the lyrics. What a slut, huh?

Speaking of which, I have emailed Dragon, but no word yet whether she's one of the lovely ladies in this band. Not that I'm accusing of her of anything....

(And if you still can't get enough, here's their home site)

Dragonette, Baby!

Anatomy Awards

Every year the Website Mr. Skin presents its "Anatomy Awards," the best in nudity from mainstream American Cinema. Talk about a public service. (By the way, I'd link, but as the site is pornographic, I'd rather not. Feel free to Google if you're so inclined.) Here are the awards for 2007:

Mr. Skin's 9th Annual Anatomy Awards

BREAST PICTURE
 Good Luck Chuck

 BEST NUDE SCENE
 Marisa Tomei - Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

 BEST UNDERWEAR
 Jessica Biel - I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

 BEST CHEST
 Keeley Hazell - Cashback

 BEST TV SHOW
 Tell Me You Love Me (HBO)

 BEST CARTOONY BOOBIES
 Angelina Jolie - Beowulf

 BEST LESBIAN SCENE
 Katherine Moennig and Kristanna Loken - The L Word

 BEST UNRATED DVD SCENE
 Heather Graham - Adrift in Manhattan

 BEST SHORT-FILM NUDE SCENE
 Natalie Portman - Hotel Chevalier

 BEST GROWN UP (AND OUT) CHILD STAR
 Christina Ricci - Black Snake Moan

 FLUFFIEST FULL-FRONTAL
 Julianne Nicholson - Flannel Pajamas

 BEST BUTT
 Gabrielle Richens - Hack!

 MOST NIPTASTIC NIP
 Milla Jovovich - .45

 BEST MAJOR LEAGUERS (ENHANCED)
 Jessica Canseco - Gettin' It

 BEST BONDAGE SCENE
 Holly Hunter - Saving Grace

 BEST HALF-A-LAP
 Kelli Garner - Havoc 2: Normal Adolescent Behavior

 BEST CRACK SLIP
 Karina Smirnoff - Dancing with the Stars

 BEST THONG
 Cameron Richardson - Rise: Blood Hunter

 BEST THREEWAY
 Return to House on Haunted Hill: Unrated

 FUNNIEST NUDE SCENE
 Madeline Zima - Californication

 BEST FOREIGN FILM
 Klimt

 NUDECOMER OF THE YEAR
 Erica Campbell

 LIFETIME SKIN-CHIEVEMENT AWARD
 Rosanna Arquette

I'm not saying you should just go out and watch all of these movies. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, either. (I also think they should have one for best old full frontal, and call it Grey's Anatomy, but that's just me.)

About that Spitzer....

In reference to my last post, I had planned Friday to drop a joke into my column about Spitzer, but then the column got cancelled/delayed by my realization that life sucks and why bother?

But it's such a great joke, I had to put it somewhere.

Anyway, I was going to say this:

And word just in that high-class call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre is going to write a tell-all book about Governor Eliot Spitzer's depravity. The name of the book? "Spitzer's Wallows"

Pretty good, no?

And since I'll never had another chance, this might be a good time to tell you about Dickapedia. Know about Wikipedia? Then you can probably figure this one out. (It's for behavior, not girth. Sorry to get your hopes up, Schrodinger.)

Here is the entry on Spitzer. good times.

Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Not to be left off the Ashley Alexandra Dupre bandwagon,

Here is her Myspace page, with the full version of "What we Want." After listening several times, it's surprisingly not bad. If you heard it on the radio you wouldn't think anything of it. I'm not saying Beyonce is put on notice, but for the generic R/B - Pop song, it's decent.

Then there's her "official" page, where you can buy both of her songs. Word is, she's going to be a millionaire soon, with the downloads and offers from the "gentleman's magazine" industry.

Now, I'm sure everyone has strong opinions on Spitzer, and we can get into it if you want, but just from a "Only in America" point of view, you have to love the fact that she moved quickly enough to be in position to profit from this.

Gotta love this country.

Okay...this kid is cute enough to make me want one.....

GRANDMA GOES TO COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded,
'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were
a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

I know

long time no see, right? who cares? times are troubled here so sue me or do me.

Put to the Question

Lovers o' the Barn:

I started a new site yesterday called PUT TO THE QUESTION.

You know how I sometimes ask questions here? I enjoy that so much that I wanted an entire site filled with just that. I'm really hoping to get many different responses, get a dialog going. Anyway, yesterday's launch was less than overwhelming, and since many of you (for some inexplicable reason) don't go to the home page, I thought I would tell you about it here.

My very first Question is up: it deals with living for 400 years. Go see, and more importantly, answer! Thanks much.

400 Years

Natasja

A week ago I posted a music video called "Calabria," saying I found it undeniably catchy, but couldn't for the life of me figure out what language the girl was singing. Since then I've learned a few things:

(no word yet on whether he can decipher Elvish)

1) The song is officially by "Enur, featuring Natasja." Clueless DJs across the country, too stupid to do a quick Wikipedia search, have been saying "Enur" as if that were a person. In fact, the person is actually called "Rune," and just used Enur as a backward alias. Rune is a Danish musician, known for his "house music" track Calabria, which comprises the "music" portion of the song below.

2) The singing/rapping is also by a Danish person, this time actually named Natasja. Things I found out about Natasja:
2.1) Her mother is Danish and her father is Sudanese
2.2) She considers herself to not only be a rapper, but a reggae singer. Apparently there is quite the market for that in Denmark.
2.3) She's freaking dead! I mean no disrespect, but I was already obsessing on the song. It wasn't only the lyrics that felt like I could almost understand them, but the way she looks in the video. When you watch it, ignore the bootylicious parts, and pay attention to when she simply looks back at us over her shoulder. [shudders delightfully] It should say something that I could care less about all the T&A, and instead am crazy about her looks. Then to find out she died last year before the song could become big.....I feel like a necrostalker. (Is that a word? It should be. This hasn't happened to me since Karen Carpenter.)

3) By far the most amazing....THE SONG IS IN FREAKING ENGLISH! Danish English, to be sure, but English nonetheless. I listened to the song while reading the lyrics, and much like Stairway to Heaven, I finally understood it. (Of course, equally like Stairway, if you showed me other lyrics, I might hear that too, so there's no proof just yet.)

(in case you're wavering on whether to watch the video)

Below I have the video again, along with the lyrics. Even more than Informer (by Snow) of the early '90s, this is the most unintelligible English song I think I've ever heard.

But man, am I obsessed.

Calabria 2008



LYRICS

Easy now no need fi(as in for) go down,
easy now no need fi go down,
rock that run that, this where we from
(repeat 2x)

Whoop Whoop
When you run come around,
Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea
(repeat 4x)

Easy now no need fi go down
Just walk it gently and no break nah bone,
Cool end-it-ly, you have a style of your own,
Me never kno you saw ya master the saxsaphone

cause u sound like the talk of the town yea,
imma lock u when u run come around yea,
make me wobble, make me whole body bubble,
an me no say ya trouble, when ya ready for the double,
and n u hit that,
no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle)
play with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle
im tellin' you to, hit that
no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle)
stay with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle
im feelin' them
(whoop whoop)

easy now no need fi go down,
easy now no need fi go down,
walk it gently and no break nah bone

Whoop Whoop
When you run come around,
Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea
(repeat 4x)

Best shown overall, shiny and tall,
One touch make a gal climb whoever you are,
Brass hat, hatter(as in hotter) than fireball
Whoop Whoop!
You not small you not lickle(as in little) at all
Dat touch, just dip on me mind yea
The good feelin dip on rewind yea
make me wobble, make me whole body bubble,
an me no say ya trouble, when ya ready for the double,
and n u hit that,
no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle)
play with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle
im tellin' you to, hit that
no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle)
stay with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle
im feelin' them

Walk it gently and no break nah bone

easy now no need fi go down,
easy now no need fi go down,
rock that run that, this where we from
(repeat 2x)

Whoop Whoop
When you run come around,
Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea
(repeat 8x)

Whooop Whooop!!!


Natasja's Myspace page, with several songs to listen to. None of them are as good as Calabria, but they are all sweet.

Daily Yux

There were two comics this morning I felt you needed to see. (click for bigger view)

Canterbury's Law

Last week I wrote about the new FOX show New Amsterdam. There was another airing Thursday, and tonight (Monday) at 9:00 will the be regular time. (9:00 for normal people on the west/east coasts. You fruitcakes in the middle can figure it out.)

I enjoyed the second episode enough to watch it again. Before it tonight premieres another new show called Canterbury's Law.



The show stars Julianna Margulies, of one-time ER fame. She supposed to be a no-holds barred lawyer with personal problems. We've seen that before, so what's the big deal, right?

Well, this show is produced by Denis Leary and friends, the same crew that makes the excellent Rescue Me. In fact, Canterbury's Law is supposed to look much more like an FX show than network faire.

I don't know much more than that, but it's enough for me to check out. (8:00 for normies.) Maybe you should too.

Every Drip, Joe or Brew

It is 8:45 in Montreal and we've got 25 cm of snow coming our way. I'm thinking that stocking up on some coffee is a grand idea. So I've been reading many stories lately about coffee. Should I get that medium size French Press, or should I splurge for that new Clover, or should I go for the siphon brew?

So, tell me, Monkey Barn. What is your favorite way to get your caffeine perorally??


And..because Hyperion requested a photo of beefcake...

Craving Meat Loaf tonight; Feeling Like A Bat Out Of Hell

"Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world
That's pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
There's always gonna be some light"



Sexy, no?

I knew it!!!!!

New Amsterdam

Tuesday night brought the long-shelved premiere of New Amsterdam, FOX's dive into the hard-to-kill crime fighter genre.

The show was initially slated for last September, then put on hold as a mid-season replacement. With the Writer's Strike I cannot for the life of me figure why they waited so long, but I suspect it was to give Amsterdam an American Idol lead in.

Anyway, there's a new episode on tonight, and then it moves to Monday night at 9 for its regular slot, so I thought I'd give you a brief recap of the first ep in case you were interested.

So here's the deal: John Amsterdam is a New York City detective, long on go-it-his-own-way-itis, and short on lasting partners. He's got great instincts, but the rumor is he has a death wish.

(Death wish or not, there's not excuse for that tie)

The reason for said wish is that John Amsterdam.....CAN NOT DIE.

DUM DUM DUM!!!!!!!!!

About four hundred years ago John came to the New World (we see it in a flashback, which I'm sure we'll learn more about later). John stepped up to help a Native girl from being raped, and got a sword through the heart for his trouble.

Not so fast!

It turns out said Native girl was actually a priestess, and did a spell to not only bring John back to life, but ensure he will never die until--and I swear I am not making this up--he finds his own true love and their souls are wedded together.

If ever a guy needed motivation to stay single.....

Anyway, so John can't die, which makes him fascinated with death, and more likely to take chances on the job, etc. You can already see how that might play out. In the first episode John also gets a partner, a sassy latina with a chip on her shoulder. (Actually, if Hollywood ever makes a non-sassy latina with no chip, that'd be amazing.)

To be honest, the cop-stuff in the here and now was fairly routine, even dull. I hardly need to watch that. However, John solved this case (and presumably will others) by his vast knowledge of New York City, having been there so long. (In case you were wondering, New York used to be called New Amsterdam, hence the old/new title.)

John seems to be sort of hiding in plain sight, telling his new partner that he's had "609 girlfriends," which alone makes me think he's crazy. Another interesting plot point is when this old black guy(named Omar, the only one who knows the truth about John) gets into a jam with a bookie, John "makes" a piece of furniture that is immediately hailed as a famous antique and sold for sixty grand. Turns out John was the original artist way back when, and still knows how to make them. That was kind of cool.

Lastly, John has a heart-attack and dies early on (don't worry: death isn't permanent), but John later theorizes his heart attack came because he was in sudden proximity to "the one." The show seems to more than hint who that might be, but I'll leave it for now.

(Hmmmm.....which one is not a sassy minority or a Danish dude?)

Look: normally when a show sits on the shelf that long it's not worth anything, and I can't say I was blown away by anything I saw. However: maybe it's the writer's strike or just the hint of spring, but I found myself open-minded. I enjoyed watching a Danish actor try to sound American. (Surprisingly well, unless you listen for it.) I enjoyed Omar. I enjoyed the flashbacks, and I even enjoyed the furniture, if only because I'm jealous, and Kaida has always wished I could make things with my hands.

Bottom line: If you liked Angel but could never get into the Vampire stuff, maybe New Amsterdam is worth a look tonight. (FOX, 9:00 Eastern.)

Barnyard Beefcake?

Uhhh, I just noticed that Hyperion and Koz are the lone sausages in a tray of buns. The only dogs in a cattery. The flag bearers for the unfairer sex.

Can I advocate here for some more men here in the Barn? And please make them cute and charming and totally digging pirates.

Hmmmm....

Why do the men have their last names on their and the woman her first?

Monkey Barn 5.1

As you can see, I slightly overhauled the look of the Monkey Barn site. This is a work in progress, so feel free to leave comments if there is something you do not like, and I will consider more changes.

Also, I wanted to say that I am planning on adding 2-3 new members to Monkey Barn, and I have some exciting ideas about some kick-ass group projects in the coming months. (Over on the right you can see previous group projects. They are worth your time.)

Anyway, I have a couple of people in mind, but I'm open to anyone who would like to be part of the insanity of Monkey Barn. If you're interested, email me or somehow get my attention.

Maybe you have what it takes....

Jeff Healey: 1966 - 2008

Very sad was I to hear of the death of Jeff Healey. As well as being a great musician for three decades I submit The Jeff Healey Band produced possibly one of the top ten slow-dance songs of all time in Angel Eyes. (Now we're definitely going to have to do a Top Ten List on that.)

Jeff actually has a new album coming out in a month, which should have renewed interest. (Kanye is kicking himself for not thinking of dying before his las album came out, instead of just using the suffering of Katrina victims to sell records. Next time, Kanye; next time.)

Dragon also reports that Healey was Canadian, but I find this highly dubious. Dragon thinks anyone who ever did anything Canadian, a trait she shares with most Canadians I met when living up there. (Their basic philosophy is:

Change Planes in Toronto + Accomplish Something Cool

=

Canadian

I hung out with Jeff many times, and he never mentioned being from Canada. I mean, it's possible he was just ashamed, or heck, maybe he never even knew, but in any rate, he never mentioned it. Back in the early '90s I tried to get Jeff to form a new band, combining his style of Blues with MoTown. I called it "Sexual Healy." However, Jeff just couldn't see it. As I recall, there were a lot of things Jeff could never see, as far-reaching vision was never his strong suit, but I loved him anyway.

Jeff was one of only a few people who could pull of a power-mullet. Of course, we told him mullets were cool, because that's what friends do, but somehow he made it work anyway.

I wanted to embed the music video for Angel Eyes, but You Tube went all Nazi on me. (You can see it here if you want.) Instead I have a live version Jeff did in Europe at some point. It's strangely unplugged, but pretty decent.



We'll miss you, Jeff!

How much are you worth in bed?

Powered By TheirToys

3 Inches, one way or the other

A trip in the way-back machine for a moment, back to 1992.

In the very underrated (and still holds up quite nicely) movie BASIC INSTINCT, everyone knows about the Sharon Stone sex, and the then unheard of lesbian stuff, etc. But perhaps the hottest sex scene occurs with first time actress Jeanne Tripplehorn. To refresh your memory, it occurs about 18 seconds before this shot:



Afterwards, Tripplehorn's character (Beth), and Michael Douglas's character (Nick), have the following conversation:

Beth: You've never been like that before. Why?
Nick: You tell me, you're the shrink.
Beth: You weren't making love to me!
Nick: Well, who was I making love to?
Beth: You weren't making love at all.

(By the way, methinks Beth doth protest too much. She certainly wasn't complaining when Nick bent her over a chair and violently ripped her panties of. Granted, I couldn't actually see her face for much of the exchange, but good times were seemingly had by all.)

Anyway, I'm not asking if the scene was hot (it was), or if Beth's later criticism was kinky remorse (it was). Here's my question. I always assumed that Nick took Beth in "rear entry" position. I mean, obviously he did, but I'm talking vaginally.

However, I was reading something on Aint it Cool News the other day, and Harry Knowles made casual mention of how Nick had fucked Beth up the ass. (His analogy was to what Republicans were doing to the country now, which is neither here nor there, but I mention it in the interest of fullness.)

Futher Googling reveals that there are at least a few people who take it for granted that's what happened. Now, in 1992 I was woefully ignorant of the ways of anatomy, so it is entirely possible tht I could have been watching simulated anal sex and not known it.

But I have seen that movie at least 10 times since, and every time I got the impression that Nick was going pink, not brown.

So I ask people who have seen BASIC INSTINCT, what is your opinion of that scene?

[By the way, I do not have video of the scene, but you can find a still-shot online. I'm not going to link it, but if you email me at hyperioninstitute@gmail.com and put Jeanne Tripplehorn in the subject line, I will email you the link.]

Calabria

For no other reason than I really enjoy the song on the radio.


Before you watch the video I feel I must point out that while it is perfectly work-safe, some of the Andrea Dorkin-type feminists out there might object to all the rump shaking. Fair warning. I find myself blameless in this because A) I didn't know what the video was when enjoying the song, B) I still have no idea what the song is about, since I don't speak Spanish. (Portuguese? It could be Farsi for all I know), C) The girl herself made the video. Am I my hot Latina's Keeper?

This does, however, bring up an interesting question. Why is Latino culture so obsessed with the Ass? Any theories are most welcome.

enur feat natasja - calabria 2007

Why I make a kick-ass babysitter

Stolen from Tracy Lynn Kaply (I asked her to just give it to me, but she's quite niggardly about such things), who herself probably stole it from a host of others, we present:


36

I feel with training I can do much better. Shockingly (and shamefully, for her), the eternally pissed-off one could only take 28. Some of you are in better shape than I, and I expect more from you. (But don't cheat in your answers. Breaking a five year old's knee caps is one thing. Lying about it is another.)

Movie Trailers before THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL

I didn't have room in my review of THE OTHER BOYLEYN GIRL to include my thoughts on the trailers preceding the film, so I thought I would do so here, along with allowing you to see them for yourself:


1st Movie - SEX AND THE CITY



Comments - When this show was on I continually threatened to write a 15,000 word column on the most subversive show in history. Now that there is a movie I may have to. BTW, my sister Jerrica and I agreed that the trailer gives away every single important plot point. At this point I have to assume Hollywood is doing this for a reason, and chicks just want to have the movie explained to them before they see it. What's the dilly, ladies? Are you afraid to see a movie if you don't know there will be a happy ending?



2nd Movie - SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2



Comments - I would actually promise to see this movie if someone could guarantee there would be a discussion of how the same pair of pants can fit a tall girl with no ass at the same time as a shorter girl with a more rococo posterior. I really would.



3rd Movie - 10,000 B.C.



Comments - Okay, I can buy that ten thousand years ago everyone spoke English, and that for some reason, everyone wanted to look like Tracy Chapman. And I like giant tigers as much--actually, way way way more than--the next guy. The problem I'm having is the architecture. The pyramids came 86 hundred years later and we still aren't entirely sure how they did it, but those buildings look like a cross between the Pentagon and the Bellagio. And though I admit the contemporary historical record is spotty at best, I find this all highly unlikely. Unlikely I say!




4th Movie - MISS PETTIGREW LIVES FOR A DAY



Comments - I firmly believe Amy Adams is the real deal, so I am willing to let her pay her dues, but I fully expect her to move on to meatier faire, and soon!




5th Movie - 21



Comments - This Blackjack scheme actually happen, though the Light only knows how much of the real story Hollywood will bother to get right. Still, even a mess of a script is likely to be an entertaining movie. I'm excited.




6th Movie - MADE OF HONOR



Comments - I have now moved from being neutral on Grey's Anatomy to officially hating it, because Patrick Dempsey should not be carrying films. Besides revealing 110% of the plot in the trailer (I even knew things that will only make the deleted scenes), I spent most of the time (as will you), saying, "Is that Liv Tyler? No really: is that Liv Tyler?" Watch the trailer and see if you can figure it out. (It's not, but it took you awhile, huh?) By the way, that token black friend was an official Dwayne Wayne sighting. I missed him!

Spazzstick

A new way for us to get our caffiene - by way of lip balm!!

Note only is it a product up are alley but read about where it is made....Developed by an Alaskan Police Officer, who needed both quality lip balm for the cold and the ability to stay awake during long shifts, Spazzstick is the world's only caffeinated lip balm. Spazzstick is made in a vast underground volcano lair by the busy hands of industrious worker trolls in a beautiful little Eskimo Village called Kaktovik, AK, by the inventor of Spazzstick and his hordes of worker trolls in a vast underground volcano lair.
Why trolls? Trolls are hard workers, require very few benefits, and are never late to work, mainly because they never go home. The direct result is that the minions work hard and pass the savings on to you. We have found that trolls are sanitary, dependable, hard-working people who have thus far been able to produce nothing but the highest quality, caffeinated lip balms that the world has ever seen.

LJS will be a test subject shortly :-)