Jack Bauer

You remember last year when Hyperion posted "facts" about the immortal Chuck Norris?

Well, someone did the same for Jack Bauer, and in honor of tonight's episode of 24, I thought I'd reprint some of my favorites (that I can get away with here in Monkey Barn):


Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.

One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.


Tobias