Ladies Last

The maxim "Ladies first" has guided many of my decisions in life. If, by chance, I arrive at a door at the same time as a female, I try to be a gentleman and let her in first. If I'm feeling really crazy I might even hold the door open. This has to change.

Last week I was about to exit the bus when I saw that a lady was about to exit as well. In an unexplained burst of chivalry, I let her off first. What happened next was tremendously awkward: I began walking to my house and she began walking to her house. Because I had let her off first, she was in front of me. The problem was that her home happened to be tremendously close to my home. So after making about three of the same turns as her, she started to think I was following her. I tried to keep my distance, but she kept looking back suspiciously (I don't blame her: She was a young lady and I was neither clean-shaven or well-groomed - I looked like a pretty shady character).

So this put me in a tremendously awkward position. She seemed so completely scared of me, and I wanted to put her mind at ease. As far as I could tell, I had four options, and none of them were good. I could:

a) Talk to her. This would be a bad idea. First of all, what could I say? I couldn't say, "I'm not really following you" because then she might think "Well I really didn't think you were until you said something." Secondly, I think if I said anything she would have screamed and ran.

b) Pretend to tie my shoelaces until she was gone. I don't know, I think tying your shoelaces makes you look even more suspicious. I don't trust people who stop in the middle of the sidewalk to tie their shoe. Maybe that's because the only times I ever see people tie their shoes in the movies is when they are spying or something - it's always planned and sinister.

c) Try to pass her. This would be ideal because if I was in front of her and making the same turns, she wouldn't care. The problem was that when I would walk faster, she would walk faster too. If I walked any faster than I did she would have screamed and ran.

d) Just hope she eventually makes a different turn than me. This is what I had to do. When she finally did turn in a different direction it made me feel a lot better, but we had already shared about 5 or 6 turns. She probably went home and told everybody about how some guy was following her and then called the Police with my description.

Altogether, it was an intensely awkward experience for both of us and it could have easily been prevented. If I hadn't followed social norms and let her out first, this whole situation would have never have happened. That's why I propose that we modify the rules of etiquette from "Ladies first" to "When entering a bus, elevator or building, Ladies first. When exiting a bus, elevator or building, Gentlemen first."

And this is my question to you, dear reader: How does one change the rules of etiquette? Is there somebody I need to write a letter to? Is there a council that decides which rules are in or out?

Thank ye,

Elvis