This episode of "Monkey Barn" is brought to you by the Barners Kapgar and LJS. There's one swear word, so this post is not rated G.
So, without further adieu, the Barners "Hand Hyperion a History"
Have you ever wondered who this Hyperion person is? Where did he come from? Is he some lab experiment? Is that where he gets his superior good looks, intelligence, and debonair that makes the ladies swoon and men want to be his best friend? Is it natural or from training or is he a magical being? Or is he just some genetically blessed god next door?
Well he is all of those and more. He’s many things to many people. He’s a loving son and brother who likes to write to his family. He’s the perfect boy next door who helps others and takes pies in return to neighbors. He’s a confidant to world leaders. You’re thinking I’m not answering the question. Maybe who Hyperion is just depends on who you are? Alright fine…here is the truth….hopefully I will not be hunted down for this…but…Hyperion is really a former double KGB agent. That is why he is in the witness protection program; that is where is gets his clever tricky ways; that is why he feels a need to be an overlord; and that is were he gets his smooth way that makes everyone want to be with him.
Hyperion was born in the wilds of
After tearing at blazing speed through all the local schools had to offer, Hyperion bid his family a fond adieu and went to live in Borneo for a season or two, thereby becoming the youngest teacher of Icelandic as a second langauge (ISL) in existence (he was 4). At 12 he married the daughter of the chieftan of the Smittleisk tribe, and together they had, in rapid succession, 14 children of all shapes, sizes, and colors, not a one of which has a name that ends in Y.
Touring with Roxy Music as a youngster was not easy on young Cecil. Even at a young age, Cecil knew the magic of blending musical harmonies with cross-dressing and heavy eyeliner. It didn’t help that Ziggy Stardust performed at Cecil’s bar mitzvah. When Cecil became a man at age 13, he decided that he would make his mark on the world and he ran away from Roxy Music. But, he took plenty of eyeliner. Cecil’s influence on the band was notorious, and the band broke up less than a year after his departure.
Cecil wandered across
John Smith, alias Hyperion, more than any other, can be called Ontario's own pirate, although he was not a native of the colony, he was born in a cave in rural France. In 1680 he entered the world, a bastard child of DaVinci and Jim J. Bullock. How that happened remains to be seen. Raised by feral lions, as is the case with all pirates, his entrance into proper society is obscure. His name originally, it seems was Edward Drummond, and he began his career as an honest seaman, sailing out of his home port of
By March of 1718, Hyperion had decided to leave
On the morning of November 22, 1718, Lt. Schrodinger and Hyperion fought a bloody battle near Kapgar’s™ Hole at Ocracoke Inlet. Hyperion received twenty sword wounds and five gun shot wounds before he was brought down. Lt. Schrodinger ordered his head cut off and the body thrown overboard. Hyperion’s™ head was tied to the bowsprit of the Adventure and taken back to
Known only after his death was his secret life - that of Hype Rion, a mild mannered crochet teacher. Married to 10 women all over
Ed. Note: This story contains shocking and Rated R photos of Hyperion.
I've known Hyperion ever since the witness protection program dumped him in
An Adorable Photo of Hyperion at age 9
I met Hyperion through his mother at an exorcism. Regrettably, not only did it fail, we actually went to a Cactus Club restaurant with Hyperion afterwards where he speculated at length about WWII concentration camp inmate underwear and domination of the world through a card game he'd developed, Paseo Dos. I did my best to stay away from him, recognizing the danger, but Hyperion's incessant drive to dominate, vulcanize, and martenize those around him lead to him taking my wife out to the movies. They both claim it was the result of mistaken identity; Hyperion was determined to have his savage way with me, but since my wife was buying the Milk Duds, he elected to wait.
At some point in time I got married. After summoning a ferocious blizzard to make the spring event more interesting, Hyperion attended, was promoted to Usher UberCommandant, parked cars (by pushing and/or throwing them into stalls), stole attending civilian's cell phones, and (with the help of his Usher Gestapo) held the entire wedding briefly hostage. The reception was lovely.
Hyperion was always a big hit with the ladies, as evidenced in this photos when he was age 21.
Since then he's been livin' tha vida loca: crashin' cars, sweet-talkin' scaly chicks, raging against the machine, and trying desperately to get to the Denny's where he is worshipped as a deity.
That's pretty much it. Oh, did I also mention the Maori tatoos he got after winning a local dance contest with the the traditional
You know what they say about men with large noses huh?
When I first me Hyperion, in the summer of 83, the first thing I noticed about him was the hat.
It seemed to be set on gimbels, in that it always stayed level, no matter what angle his head, and that, combined with the color and the fringe, was almost too much to behold in one glance. Indeed, if he hadn't spoken in that obnoxious twang of his, I may never have noticed anything BUT the hat. And OH , what a blessing that would have been.
But I was young, and full of ne'r do well instincts, and Hyperion's crazy tales of conspiracy and derring do filled my head like...well, like something overflowy, and, lost to all reason, I signed on to be his partner in crime. And crime was definitely what you could call his taste in clothing. The pleather, the leopard print. If there was a bad clothing decision to be made, he made it. In vain did I point out that goldfish, while fun, should not be in your shoes. He just went ahead and damn the consequences.
After I begged him to remember that discretion did not involve the use of the Bedazzler, and that we needed to be discreet, he stormed out of the hotel, and only returned after Bedazzling an entire showroom full of denim.
Finally, at the start of the 90's, it became clear to me that his mania for outre fasion was going to get us killed, and we went our seperate ways. Oh, I do think of him still, in the spring when a young man's fancy turns to tuille, but I know now it would have never worked between us.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....
There was a sudden disturbance in the force. A new menace had been brought into the universe in the form of a beautiful baby boy. His beauty was deceiving, for behind those steel blue eyes lay the mind of a genius, bent on world domination and pirate annihilation. The child was named, Hyperion "The Conqueror".
The Ninja sensed this new force in young Hyperion and believed he could be the promised one. The one who was to lead all Ninjas in their fight against evil. The one who would fight the evil Pirates and restore order to the universe.
The Ninja took Hyperion and spent 30 years educating him in Art, Science,
Literature, History and Politics. They also trained him in all the Ninja arts. He took to this training especially well. Hyperion had become in a word....lethal. His talent was legendary and there were whispers among the Ninja that Hyperion could kill someone with a mere thought.
On his 30th birthday, Hyperion assumed his rightful place as the Jonin, the master strategist. As Jonin, Hyperion had to plan how to win the war against the Pirates. This was not an easy thing to do, since pirates had gone underground and slipped quietly into society. Hyperion decided to coax them out by creating the Hyperion Institute. A place where he deliberately starts debates on who is better, Ninja or Pirates, in the hope that the vain pirates would show themselves be destroyed.
It's funny because I really know nothing about the Enigma known as Hyperion. One day, this phantom just started posting random comments about perving 17 year olds and now, here I am, posting as a regular on his site.
I felt the need to do a little background checking, though, when no one else was able to give me any details on "Hyperion" other than "the Canadian Kevin Smith," "some dude," and "damned if I know."
How did I go about my background check? Well, the Web of course. Where else would I do it? Google has never steered me wrong before.
Here's what I came up with...
Hyperion always strove to be a pirate. He dressed up in women's blouses and used his mom's mascara to paint eyepatches and stubble beards on his face and blackout one or two teeth just for effect. No, not on Halloween, either. Thankfully, his lean, feeble, and, well, non-existent musculature allowed him to simply dye one of his lower legs a permanent oak brown color to serve as a peg leg. Friends could never tell the difference.
At the age of 17, after a failed attempt to join a pirate's guild ("Boy," they told him, "you're just too damned small. You'd make us look bad."), he joined the professional workforce. His first job entailed running packages of undetermined content back and forth between
After an unexpected incident with one of the more creatively hidden packages, Hyperion wound up with a three-month hospital stay in
Two years later, after Yamolola left him for a simian trainer living on a farm in the foothills of Venezuela, Hyperion decided he needed time to himself, to find his voice, to figure out what to do with his life. He turned to the Web. His life's ambition soon became Monkey Barn, a home dedicated to the woman of his dreams where he could live out the rest of his years in relative anonymity surrounded by people who might easily confuse him as someone of consequence... a person to be respected... a man deserving of their admiration.
Yeah, that's just not gonna happen, now is it, Hypey?