First, let me put newbie Kapgar in his place. Honey, Hypey tells ALL the Barners we're his favorite.
Now onto the continuing saga of Tigger:
Tigger kept protected in his little ball, and missed the glorious city of Montreal. Montreal is the home of the world's best bagels, floating pieces of paper that magically become small critters, and the most unusual collection of eyepatches. Tigger's Uncle Charlie did not know that the microchip was merely a ruse for the true secret of the eyepatch, but he knew of Tigger's true parental heritage. And Charlie was not about to mess with the first successful mating of a pirate and ninja.
All of the confusion regarding Tigger's father was just that. Confusion. Because there really is no difference between a Twinkie-pushing nudist hippie, a walking herpes colony of intergalactic proportions, and Evil Wizard Lord. They are all the marks of a ninja. In fact, Byron Propicious was all three characters.
Uncle Charlie took Tigger to the Saint Germain museum, where a most fabulous collection of eye patches awaited Tigger.
The museum was run by a peculiar, but irresistablly gorgeous pirate named Lord Mullett. Lord Mullett had cultivated the world's finest collection of eye patches from notables such as "One-eye Willy" and "Saber eyed Sally". Moreover, Lord Mullett had a talent for brewing vanilla lattes and prolonging conversations. Lord Mullett, being the brilliant man that he is, immediately recognized the power symbolized in Tigger's eyepatch and drew his kakura sword. He dispatched Uncle Charlie and told Tigger (in pirate speak) "That man was a fool, you are to fullfil your destiny". He then revealed to Tigger that Tigger was the first nijarate-a full ninja and a full pirate. He had the stealth and cunning of the ninja and the poise, penchant for awesome weaponry, and culinary skills of a pirate.
Lord Mullett then said "Stay here, you will. And I will train you in the ways of the nijarate for your coming has been foretold many years ago and I am the last one of my kind-the Protectorate-sworn to learn both the ninja and pirate ways."
Tigger was utterly confused. "But but but but, I thought that I was just a kid and my mom was a (kind hearted) whore and my dad was unknown". Suprised, Tigger learned that he too could speak Pirate.
"Oh my little one", said Lord Mullett, "Your confusion is only beginning"
[Can you top this? Give it a whirl!]