Thursday, July 13, 2006

Monkey Barn Campfire Story (Hot Potato Version)

Monkey Barn Campfire Story (Hot Potato Version)

I can't wait any longer! I have to start the next Monkey Barn Campfire Story (Hot Potato Version)

Each Part was written by a different Monkey Barner, with the rules that they could do anything they wanted, but it had to be done in five minutes and then send it on. Already we have quite the story started! I did no editing, only made the font uniform and BOLDED the headings. Each Part is anonymous so they can write whatever they want. (Although, in some cases it's not all that tough to decipher.)

Dive in and tell us what you think!

Part 1

Tigger wasn't like the other kids.

For one, his name was "Tigger." How many kids do you know named Tigger? Secondly, Tigger was a pirate. Actually, he'd lost his left eye when he was four in a tragic accident that involved a luscious set of breasts and a priest with an uncontrollable (and just being honest, quite impressive) erection. Tigger's mom put the eye patch on Tigger and told him he was a pirate. This suited Tigger just fine, as he had a very bad speech impediment, and words where the consonants snuck up on him were very difficult to pronounce. However, he could--and very often did, especially after gaining his pirate persona--say ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGH!

Speaking of uncontrollable erections (and really; when are we not?), the fourth thing (we're counting the speech impediment, in case your score was off) that made Tigger different from the other kids was the fact that Tigger lived in a fully functioning "I can't believe these are actually legal and probably wouldn't be if they didn't create a huge tax base for the local economy, which, let's face it, had been depressed since the paper mill closed after Felby Shortz fell in the pulp grinder and totally ruined page three in more ways than one (as it was the obituary page)" brothel.

That's right: a brothel.

Tigger's mom, whose real name was Michelle, and went by Shelly to the girls, but called herself "The Sweating Goddess" to the customers, lived in the brothel full time with all the other girls, and as Shelly was a single mother, and had nowhere else to go, and Lord only knows where Tigger's father was (and come to think of it, while not trying to cast aspersions on the character of Shelly, Lord only knows whose Tigger's father was), Tigger lived in the brothel too. It worked out, because all the women sort of adopted him as a half son/half mascot/half pirate.

One day Tigger was playing in the "Physical Limitations" room, which Tigger called the "Eshhhhemm" room (but mostly because he couldn't pronounce "S&M"), and he came across a box. Possessing the insatiable curiosity of bastards, pirates and little boys, Tigger opened the box, and was shocked to discover......

Part 2

The dry bones of a small child, dressed in pink and sporting a satin pink bow on the top of the caved-in cranium. Because Tigger could read (that's the fifth way he was different form the other kids, who were still eating dirt and crying for their mommies in kindergarten when he trampled over them in the rush to snack time), he picked up the yellowed piece of paper in the bottom of the box and read the following note:

"This is Deirdre, Robert's stillborn twin. We loved her as much as we could, but it wasn't enough. Born and died the same day, remembered forever."

Tigger blinked hard a few times, tryin to remember what his real first name was. He was vastly relieved to recall that before the erection and eyepatch incident he'd been called "Norman."

But who was "Robert? And why were these bones kept around? And why were they kept in a room with stuff that could crush them so easily, the way he's seen Mistress Xandria step on that man's wedding tackle once time when he was up late at night looking for a snack?

The sound of the door opening shook TIgger from his ponderings, and he quickly closed the box and shoved it back into its hiding place before.....


Captain James T Kirk stealthily entered the room dressed in Ninja garb. Everyone thought Kirk was a Starship Commander when all along he was actually the baddest ass Ninja in the Universe. Kirk knew Tigger was in the room because he could smell Pirate weakness from a mile a way. It didn't matter to Kirk that Tigger was a little kid all that mattered was that Tigger was a Pirate and Kirk was a Ninja. Kirk was here to Kick his ass like Ninjas have been doing to Pirates for centuries.

Tigger was crouched in a corner too scared to move. He knew someone or something was in the room but it was too quick for him to know exactly what it was. All of a sudden Tigger was being pummeled – Chinese throwing stars were entering his flesh, nunchucks were pounding his skull – he was surely going to die. While Tigger lay on the floor gasping for breath he could only ask "why?"

Kirk, being an honorable Ninja, was obliged to tell him – "you see," said Kirk, "your father, Jean-Luc Picard, was a weak man, so weak in fact that he was an embarrassment to the Intergalactic Federation." "I'm here to make sure that his weak Pirate offspring do not infect the rest of the galaxy!" exclaimed Kirk. "Since you are his only son my job here is done."

Tigger, with his dying breath, managed to mutter "I'm not the only hope, there is another Pic…" - with that Pirates everywhere weeped (as they usually do) as one of their own passed into the nether-regions….

Part 4

Tigger felt himself slipping away. It was dark, quiet, peaceful…

"Tigger. Baby. Tigger!"

He could even hear his mother's voice now. How he would miss her.

"Norman John Tigger." Now he felt shaken. "Son, would you wake up! Xandria needs the room."
"I'm alive!"

"You won't be for long if you don't get out of her for Xandria. She's got an important friend on his way."

"Mom, I know well enough he's not a friend."

"Sometimes I forget how bright you are. No wonder I call you my sun. Now come down to breakfast and stay out of this room." She said as she left the room. Tigger couldn't help but feel she said the last part a little harshly.

He laid there a moment. "So it was just a dream, I guess." But as he got up to head to breakfast he knew it couldn't have been just a dream. He was sore as if he'd been running all over down and there was a new tear in his tee-shirt. He went to see if the box was still there, but it wasn't. He was starting to think maybe it was just a dream as he left the S&M room, when the glint of steel caught his eye. There in the door frame was a Ninja star.

Part 5

"It wasn't a dream! But I should be dead. What does this all mean?", Tigger thought to himself as he ate his Captain crunch cereal. He wondered if dead baby was his mother's child. Was Robert his older brother? Could there be more children he didn't know about? Tigger had to find out. He knew his mother wouldn't tell him, she never told him anything about her past. She was always so secretive. Whenever he'd ask about his father, she would look away and say "Don't look back Tigger, there is nothing for you in the past. Looking back will only hurt you. Look forward, never back."

"I have no choice, Mother.", he said quietly to himself. He would have to go back into the S&M room to look for more clues to this mystery.

Tigger snuck back into the S&M room. "Good, Xandria isn't here yet." The room was dark but he could still make his way around. He had spent many hours playing with all the 'toys' in this room. He had a fondness for the whip and often pretended he was a pirate cowboy sheriff in the old west. He would use the whip as a weapon against the outlaws. He got pretty good at handling the whip. Little did Tigger know that he was going to have to put that skill to the test.

Tigger heard a shuffle behind him. "Xandria?", he asked as he swung around quickly? No answer. "Who's there."

The lights turned on and standing by the closet door was a boy about 13. He had long dark hair and even darker eyes. "Hello, baby Brother. I've been waiting for you. I wanted to give you a present." The boy held out his hand and Tigger's eyes grew bigger at what he saw......

Part 6

The person standing before him was but a mere child. He was actually about a full foot shorter than Tigger and dressed in a Vegas cabaret dancer's outfit.

Words eluded Tigger as he stood staring. His mouth gaping wide open.

"What? You've never seen a midget before?" his brother said. "The name is Warrick. And if you make any comparisons to those damned Ewoks, I will kill you."

"I'm sorry," Tigger stammered. "I've seen short people before. I never knew I was related to one, though."

"Well, we all weren't blessed with mom's leggy height like you were."

"You mean you look more like dad?"

"So I'm told. I've never met dad. I think he may be dead."

Tigger's thoughts flashed back to the box of human bones next to him.

"Where have you been all this time?" Tigger asked his brother.

"Here and there. Far and near. But I've never been so far away that I didn't know what was happening in the life of my dear brother and my loving mother."

The inflection on the last half of the sentence made Tigger's skin crawl. He didn't know what it meant, but it reminded him of the times his mom and some of the others in the brothel had spoken of their "beloved" clients. He had heard it being described as "sarcasm." He made a mental note to look that word up.

"But I'm back," Warrick said. "And I have a message for you. One I needed to deliver personally..."

Part 7:

"Arghhhh", said Tigger with rugged enthusiasm. But before he could reply to Warrick, there was a pause. And out of the shadows, stepped again James T. Kirk.

"If there's something worse than one pirate, it's two" sneered the pimping mass of lascivious thoughts. "If my erection wasn't so painful, I'd knock out your other eye". And with that thought, Tigger cried out in a midnight howl "no no no" and rushed the walking herpes colony that humans call Kirk. Warrick joined in on the fun and in the blink of an eye (or two), James T. Kirk was no more of this world. His ass was properly kicked by a child pirate and midget. Two kids never had so much fun.

"Well, with that out of the way, let's get back to business", said Warrick. Tigger couldn't agree more. Warrick started to explain how his father, whom neither he or Tigger knew, had left behind a series of clues to lead them back to each other and then, once found, back to him. You see, their father was a "Beacon"-a rare breed of semi-humans who exist to only bring forth Truth, Goodness, and boxes of Twinkies. The Beacons are hunted creatures-stalked by forces of evil, Dick Cheney, and starving movie actresses. Their presence is always felt, but they are never found.

That is, until along came Milne T. Roo. You see, Milne was a Beacon. But he was different because he never had a penchant for secrecy. He would be found, mostly at UC Berkley, wandering around naked and proclaiming world peace and the merits of well-preserved Hostess treats. One inopportune day, a Dick Cheney and a much less mature Lindsay Lohan were wandering around the campus when each had discovered Milne. Sophia had cried for the Twinkies, but Dick knew exactly what Milne was. Thus, the secret was fully out and Milne was left no choice but to go into hiding. But he had always held out hope that his boys (if you could call his brood that) would find themselves...and one day...him.

go on to the next section


Dragon said...

"the walking herpes colony that humans call Kirk" LMAO!

Anonymous said...

that shit ain't funny

kapgar said...

Well, to each his own. I find it hilarious in a drunken-stupor sort of way. Or maybe a high-on-blow way. Six of one...

Tracy Lynn said...

This reminds me of some of the anime I watch, like Bo-bobo-bo-bobobo, where it's just crazy nonsense. Me likey.