Friday, July 21, 2006

Hot Potato Story: Conclusion

And so we reach the Conclusion to our Tigger story....or have we?

Part 20
Just at that moment, a giant blast sounded from the heavens, and a ship descended. Bigger than nightmare, bigger than the edge of your dreams, bigger than Oprah circa 1996...


Oh, Yes, Friends: this ship was the fighting vessel of the mighty Pinja.

Long John "Snake Eyes" Bluebeard jumped out of the ship, still hovering 200 feel above the earth. Effortlessly he fell to the ground and landed like a cat. In one hand was a ninja kitana sword, in the other a curvy scythe. Behind his belt were throwing stars, numchucks, and a musket.

On Long John Snake Eye's shoulder was a parrot, covered in covered in black cloth, with only beady eyes (and a huge proboscis) sticking out. It was this parrot that spoke (for all know that the Pinja do not speak themselves, especially Snake Eyes, who lost his voice years ago when fighting with the Dred Pirate Storm Shadow Roberts).

"Ahoy, Noble Warrior-Mateys!" the parrot squawked. "The Ninjarate are impostors, and the Mighty Pinja have come to make things right."

Lord Mullet Laughed. "Ha Ha Ha! This was just what we wanted to happen. We set up the chain of events with the "Chosen One" just to lure you Pinja into the open. Now we can finish this like we should have done at the Battle of Midway!"

"SQUAWK!" Squawked the parrot. "You've come to the sheep shearing without any clippers. The boy's midichlorians belong to us!"

With that an epic battle commenced. The Pinja and the Nijarate clashed in the air with a mighty roar. Dirt and soot rained down over the city. (Luckily this was Montreal, so no one really noticed the grime.)

A RCMP named EverMan(who was from out west, and therefore goodhearted), pulled Tigger aside. He knew that even though the Pinja and the Nijarate were fighting over Tigger, such was their enmity for each other that they might kill him accidentally as collateral damage.

"Why are they f-f-fighting so?" Little Tigger stammered, finally remembering from Part 1 he had a severe speech impediment.

"Oh, don't you worry, eh? This happens any time Portmanteaux clash."

"Wh-wh-what's a P-p-portmanteau?" Sniffled Tigger.

"A Portmanteau is when two words push together, eh?"

"L-like scuzzy?" Tigger asked, thinking of the brothel.

"Right on!" Said EverMan, warming to the subject. "Oh, there's been some fearsome battles, eh? Like the time Leakfast and Brunch fought for six days in Paris, or when Foke and Smog duked it out over Los Angeles. You might say it's a tradition, eh?"

"Why you k-k-keep asking me?" Tigger grumbled. "How the would I know?"

"Right on!" Said Everman (for this was really all he knew to say).

The battle was winding down,as Long John Snake Eyes ripped Lord Mullet's hair off to reveal it was a wig! Everyone gasped, or if appropriate, dropped the many cigarettes out of their mouths and cried out "Sacre Bleu!"

Long John Snake Eyes (with parrot) came up to Tigger to take the boy on the ship. Tigger was of course frightened, but he felt it was his destiny. He was finally going to learn what was in store for him.

As they ascended the gangplank Tigger timidly asked, "What was that about the M-m-midichlorians?"

"SQUAWK!" Squawked the parrot. "You'll find out when we meet our next enemy. They're a fierce breed who like to dress up in war paint and spray poison out of flowers. But you'll have to learn about that next time in 'Attack of the Clowns.'"



Koz said...

haha very funny, nice job.

PS I think you meant to write 'Smog' instead of 'Smoke'

tiff said...

Didn't see THAT coming! Well done!

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

har har har! very nice Hypey. but what i'd like to know is "what becomes of Lord Mullett"??

Dominique said...

lord mullett is now doing rogaine ads