Weaking of Spich

I found this great article about how to introduce your woman to your porn. Very seriously written, although also very funny. I don't have any porn myself (with the number of fine ladies the Hyperion has, there'd be no time), but I understand this is a big issue. Makes sense actually, and stems from the fact that women and men tend to view sex wholly differently, and interpret certain things differently.

Anyway, I link the site mostly because they use the excellent line:

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No normal woman would tolerate her boyfriend having 20 gigs worth of ultra-hardcore midget on horse action

People: you would be doing me a HUGE favor if you could somewho incorporate the words "ultra hardcore midget on horse action" into a conversation today. Then write and tell me about it, and I'll print the best stories (anonymously).

There are some very humorous paragraphs in this article. Since most of you won't go read it, I'm going to quote a few. Obviously all rights are retained by the author.

He starts off talking about when is the best time to tell the woman about your porn stash. Once that's established he goes into how the conversation should--and should not--take place:

When you do bring up the subject don't say something like, "Listen, you better like porn because I've got a ton of spank mags that I'm not throwing out. End of discussion. Bitch." This is rather tactless. Instead, the best way to breach the subject is to talk about a friend and the troubles he is having with his girlfriend over the issue. Of course, this involves making up a story like, "My buddy Jim's girlfriend found his Penthouse stash today. She was so mad she set all of his magazines on fire." Her response should indicate her feelings on the subject.

[I have to say, this is pretty good advice. He goes on about the different types of women who will respond. Read the article for more details]

There are a few different viewpoints you may encounter from this exchange. The most distressing is that your girlfriend reveals that she is an anti-porn feminist. I hate to add this, but these women are usually pretty ugly so you should have guessed her viewpoint before even asking. These womyn believe that porn is degrading to women, and boy is it! Porn wouldn't be as half as much fun if it wasn't as degrading. They also believe that it forces men to view women as sexual objects, but this point is purely senseless. Men view women as sexual objects all the time without the aid of pornography.

[Sad but true....]

The next step up from the anti-porn feminist is the girlfriend who hates porn because she believes that she should be the only woman you're ever going to need. This notion is ludicrous. Men are about one step away from monkeys, and we will always have the desire to look at the other monkeys on the next tree. Now, I'm not saying its right to lust after another woman, but men don't go blind as soon as they start dating. To be honest, I think women check other women out more than guys do in order to cast judgments upon them. At least we males mean less harm with our ogling.

[Again: I totally agree with this. Women judge other women WAYYYYYY more than men do, who are generally pretty forgiving, and label women one of two ways: A) I'd do her B) I'd do her (but wouldn't tell anyone)]

A way to deal with all of these types is to tell them you don't give a damn what they think, and try to have your cake and eat it too. You can be assured that your girlfriend will then always bring it up in arguments, or by making snide comments on a regular basis. You're going to get nagged about enough stuff in the relationship, we give her more ammo? You can also forget about using an excuse like those copies of Hustler are your deceased grandfather's and you’re only keeping them around in his memory. If it didn't work for me, it won't work for you.

The ideal woman tolerates a certain amount of pornography, but she will still be wary of too much. This girl is the, "I don't care how he heats the water, as long as he boils for me" type. This is the perfect set up, but don't blow it. If you abuse her generous way of thinking, then the Zen of your happy relationship will be destroyed. Your viewing habits should be self restricted. Remember, her monthly visitor is the best time to "go back to your roots.”

This type of woman is a rather rare breed and must not be confused with the woman who is way too into porn. That type may be freaky in the sack, but you might be too close to stripper girlfriend, which is pretty much the same as single mom/crack whore girlfriend. Watch out and remember Ben Franklin's famous saying, "The freakier the sex, the more daddy issues to deal with."

There are also those women that disagree with pornography based on religion. Tough titties for you on this one buddy, since you knew what was going down when you met her at the church ice cream social or at the Christian bookstore. I don't think it's a big surprise to find out a girl that adorns a cross on any part of her body wouldn't be into porn. Hopefully she bakes one hell of a pie, because you're headed towards the missionary lifestyle (and not the good kind of missionary lifestyle either).

[At this point I have to quit, mostly because I'm laughing too hard. Selah]