Running Diary of The Bachelor

I was sitting there last night, not really wanting to get to work, but nothing to watch. I started flipping through the channels and came upon The Bachelor. Most of you who know me know I am not a fan of reality TV, especially a show like this. However, I really didn’t want to move from my chair, so I came up with this idea: I’d keep a running diary while I watched the show, jotting down humorous quips and thoughts as they came to me, timestamped and everything.

Unfortunately, there was so much stuff going on, I didn’t have time to sit there and be very funny. But I did my best. Hopefully you’ll get a laugh out of it:

[Go meet these 25 women and see who I'm talking about]

:03 The Bachelor is an ER doc? He’s so hot! Even I like him.

:04 They’re in Paris. My mom loves Paris. I’m almost tempted to wake her up, but I know she has to get up at 5 tomorrow. Also, the only other show like this I’ve ever seen was Joe Millionaire, and that was in Paris too. Did they copy?

:05 The women first show up. One of them is leaning outside of the moving limo with her champagne. Can you say freak? Another just asked if the other girls were nervous. ‘Not at all,’ came the reply. Yeah, right.

:09 The first limo of chicks show up at this huge villa. The Bachelor dude looks so nervous. What’s his name? I didn’t pay attention because he was so dreamy. The women all look greedy. The first girl steps out, in a red dress (Susan). He just introduced himself as Travis. Is that a gay name? Oh, who am I kidding. I wish he was gay. Gay for me. The first girl was a brunette, while the second is dirty blonde. She reminds me of some actress, but I can’t remember who. Third girl is a blonde. Travis made a lame joke about being from Paris, and the girl calls him a liar. Fourth girl steps out of her limo and breaks her shoe! Travis is gallant and they have a moment. I like her the best so far. Next girl’s name is Geehan? What’s that about. Why can’t people have normal names? (Hyperion says to himself. Sometimes I crack myself up. Do you ever make a great joke and nobody’s there to hear it? Sucks, huh?)

Kristen is next. Very wholesome looking. Reminds me of Nancy Travis. I think that’s her name. The girl from SO I MARRIED AN AX MURDERER. Jennifer is next. Every girl since I last said is a blonde. Where are the red heads? Speak of the devil. The next one is a red-head. Very smoky hot, like Marcia Cross back in Melrose Place days.

The next girl is Venus, but when I first heard her name I thought she said Penis! She’s the first non-white girl (but just half). The next girl looks to have some Latina in her as well. (I wonder if she’d want some Hyperion in her?)

Cole is next. She’s brunette with milky skin. Sara is next, and we’re back to the blondes. Most of them look alike. Sara is terrible with words. I’d send her home already. Lisa is next. She looks stupid, but maybe just dumbfounded.

Finally a sistah! Her name is Princess! Oh, black mothers. I love each and every one of you. I put the odds on her making it to the top five at Zero. Probably won’t kick her out right away, to not seem racist, but the dude is from Nashville, after all. Liza is the last girl.

:16 Travis just found out he has to send half of them home tonight. That seems so contrived. I mean, sure; the whole show is contrived. But c’mon! How can you make even the most cursory of decisions in one evening, especially when everyone is nervous? I’m not happy.

:20 Ten more women to meet? My fingers are tired. Travis just met Sarah, and found out she’s from Nashville. They are getting along. She’s making it quite a long ways. Kathy is next, and looks very refined and classy, but no chemistry. Jaime is next. She has a accent too, and Travis asks immediately where she’s from. (Hoping for another southern Belle?) Jaime hugs him three times in ten seconsds. Reminds me of a Jaime I know. I miss the next girl’s name, but Yvonne is after that, and compliments him on his wardrobe. She’s short. I know these comments are lame, but the girls are stepping out of that limo so fast! I should have taped this. What am I saying? Shiloh is next, followed by Allie. They’re both blonde, virtual twins. I’m thinking Travis is a blonde man. Stephanie is next, and looks very sexy as well. Too much makeup, but she’s very beautiful. Allie is next, and she speaks French to him. He has no idea what she’s saying. The girl has a minor in French, and is trying to impress him. He seems like a moron. A third Sarah (although only the second with an H), she screams. Sarah is from Canada! Should I root for her? She’s from Manitoba. This reminds me: I think Saskatchawan and Manitoba should be combined to Saskatchetoba.

:25 That’s it. All 25 girls. This has to be the worst idea I’ve had all day, but I haven’t been up that long (I can do worse). I wonder if I should quit? Well, I’ve already written over 700 words. Might as well stick it out.

:27 Hey, Michael J. Fox is returning to TV! Too bad it’s on that stupid Boston Legal.

:29 So, this doesn’t mean anything to me, but it might to you. The host just told Travis that there is one rose he can give to whomever he wants during the night. I’m taking a guess that the rose is given to who stays? Seems like I remember something about that.

Now the girls are fighting over him. I have never seen that much hair flinging and playing. Everyone looks so slutty. I bet he could sleep with one of the girls in front of the others and they’d be okay with it.

:31 One of the Allies is a doctor too. The information that Travis is a doctor just came out, and the girls are impressed. Allie thinks she’s in, since she’s a doctor.

Some catty comments: “So, you’re a doctor. You’re good with your hands, right?” Another girl (interviewed later): “I am here to find a husband, because my eggs are rotting.” You just can’t make this stuff up. I think her name is Allie, the who spoke French. She seems a bit high-strung.

It’s too many women. I can’t tell most of the blondes apart. Am I going to have to watch this again to tell them apart? Koz watches the Bachelor, and I give him crap every year. He will never stop making fun of me if I keep watching this beyond tonight.

It’s also good to remember that they’re editing it the way they want it to look.

:34 One of the girls just gave him a shot glass from her home town with the inscription, “Dear Travis, I hope we get a ‘shot’ at getting to know each other.” I tell you: if these women didn’t have boobs they would have no prayer.

Someone just mentioned the single rose. They all seem to know what it means. They all want the rose, so I guess I was right.

:39 I just figured out that Travis looks like Michael Vartan (from Alias). All the girls want to know about the rose. Yvonne just said she wants to get a little vicious. The doctor chick (Allie), is making her pitch that they are both doctors, and that she’s ready to go into the reproductive phase (I think she’s the chick who was scared about her eggs going bad), and another girl just came and sat down right next to them and is horning in on them. Women are awful. Personally, I think Allie overplayed her hand. Here’s a tip: first conversation, one should not talk about “reproductive phase.” That reminds me of a Dinosaur Comics where T-Rex talks about things not to say on a first conversation. I’ll have to look for it later.

The Canadian chick says she likes camping, which Travis likes. But, he said that he wanted to meet Susan the most, because he was struck by her. I’m worried he’s just playing the Canadian girl, but he seems too naïve to pull that.

:42 Travis just went into the room and got the rose. All the girls are freaking out. He went back outside and gave it to the Canadian chick Sarah! Maple Leaf Bitches in the hizzouse! This girl now has a target on her back.

When it was announced Sarah got the rose they all went “Awwwww.” But they don’t mean it. The girls are looking at Sarah and they hate her. Susan is freaking out, but she’s safe, unless they have purposely miscut this. They haven’t even shown the Sistah once. I’m guessing they’d focus the most on the women who are going to stick around, to build characters throughout the show. Not looking good for the Black girl. I’m glad the Canadian is in, but why no chocolate love? I tell you, if I did this, they couldn’t just do white blonde girls. Don’t get me wrong: I love blondes, but I like sampling all of the meats of our cultural stew. Where are the freaking Asians? Doesn’t anybody have Yellow Fever?

Commercial time: all of the commercials are geared to women. I wonder why that is? My only guess is that Allie isn’t going to get any help by revealing she’s also a doctor. Would a male doctor want to date another doctor? He probably works with many doctors (female) he doesn’t like, and he might project. I mean, any two people can get along, but with just a few minutes to make the decision…Plus, her announcing she wants kids. I predict she will freak out when she’s not picked.

:47 The Rose Ceremony. 11 more roses to give away, and 13 girls are going home! That just seems like a waste. I’m already nervous. I hate it when people are embarrassed or make a scene. I think I’m going to hide my head in my shirt until this is done.

Second rose (after Sarah): Cole. I don’t remember much about her, unless I scroll up, but no time.

Third Rose: Moana. Brunette. I need to link to all of them so you know who the hell I’m talking about.

Fourth Rose: Jennifer. First of the doppleganger blondes.

Fifth Rose: Elizabeth. I wonder what order he’s doing this in? The other girls are getting more and more nervous.

Sixth Rose: Shiloh. She seems nice. The other girls are glaring.

Seventh Rose: Yvonne. I was sure of that. Allie looks about ready to cry.

Eighth Rose: Geanne? Why do they wait so long between each? Is that a producer thing? Does he tell the producers who he wants and they tell him the order, or does he decide on the spot?

Ninth rose: Susan. I was sure she’d get one. His voice cracked at Susan.

Tenth: Tara; the one red-head. She looks like she just found out she’s avoiding prison.

Eleventh: Sara from Tennessee. That was a no-brainer.

Twelth: this is it, right? The host is making them wait even longer! This woman will be pissed she had to wait so long. And it is……isten. I like that girl. Now we get the other pissed off girls. I don’t think I could do this. I’m used to only disappointing one woman at a time, maybe two (special occasions).

The women are saying goodbye. They are all ignoring him now. Allie is having a cow, and saying all men are evil. She sounds so freaking desperate. That HAS to come through to him, if it comes through to me. Has she ever thought of that? Nobody likes people that desperate. Now Allie is swearing. This is high comedy.

Now she’s gone back in to confront him! She asks it it’s that she’s not too attractive, too short, small boobs. He admits it’s about the kids, which he isn’t ready for. Allie accuses him of playing around, but he never said he wanted kids. She thinks marriage means kids. Allie just said he’s like every other stupid doctor she knows. Let me tell you something: This girl couldn’t get a McDonald’s Fry guy. I wish I had more time to make fun of her.

Actually, they’re doing dumb stuff, so I can point this out: Ladies, I realize that biological clocks tick. I get that. Most guys probably want kids too. Even I am at least trying to be open-minded. But guys are skittish too. If you tell the guy in the first conversation that you are ready for reproduction, that’s going to freak him out. Any guy. How could she not know that?

:57 They are showing highlights from the rest of the season. Travis kissing different girls, and the girls being bitchy and catty. I’m kind of excited now. Should I watch this again?

:59 We get more Allie! She’s pissed and cheated out. She can’t believe he wouldn’t have taken another doctor. Her last words: I guess I shouldn’t have talked about reproducing. Uh, you think?

So, there you have it. It was kind of fun to do this. I will consider doing it again if I get a lot of response here. Otherwise, it least it was something new.