Now introducing.....

So, a few weeks ago I told you I got a Dragon from one of my Readers. Well, he finally told me his name:

Orythius

He says I can call him Ory, but you better stick with "O Great Scaled One"

Christmas Gifts

Have you seen the latest on the White House "Holiday Tree". Dennis Hastert has officially renamed it the White House "Christmas Tree". Please liberals stop trying to remove Christ from Christmas.

Speaking of removing Christ from Christmas. Do you know that in the word Xmas, the "X" is the Greek letter "chi" which stands for Christ and this abbreviation has been used since the 16th century. So feel free to abbreviate Christmas as Xmas now that you have been informed.

Finally, if you are a non-White person (black, asian, etc.) are you offended by a White Santa Claus? If you are White are you offended by Black Santa? You Canadians probably don't know about Black Santa but he can be found in several malls (Hollis-Queens) in the US. Apparently there is even a Chinese Santa.

Steggy

I thought you'd all enjoy a Stegosaurus made out of Lego

The flag at half mast for cool

Received several applications for the Seventh Contributor. I'm extending the Deadline to Saturday morning, to give me more time to decide. If you think you have what it takes, write me an email and explain why.

Anyway, I've been meaning to do this for some time, but Koz's post reminded me: We need some new words for "cool." It's just getting overused. I introduced 'Deck,' which is well and good, but we need some more.

The obvious candidates are:

Shiny (FIREFLY)

Dragon (clearly there's nothing cooler than a dragon)

Frosty (off-shoot of cool)

Blazed or Blazing (off-shoot of hot)

Copa (short for Copacetic, an old word meaning 'A-ok')

There are more, but I'll wait.

Anway, what I'm looking for are suggestions for replacing cool. Send emails, as I've been too busy to check the comments with any consistency these days.

Fasion goes to the dogs...

This is too much even for me! http://www.stacksandstacks.com/html/101721_dog-coat-bohemian.htm
I'll admit it, yes, I am guilty of a sweater for my dog but he's actually needed one. I'm not saying that just because red goes with his eyes. It's not that kind of he needed it. He had surgery over a year ago and no / little fur on his back. So, while there are appropriate times for dog apparel, this is just crazy. Maybe if the dog wearing that were going to the academy awards, this would serve a purpose; but, I think Joan Rivers would have a few things to say about it on the red carpet.

Moonbeams & Jolly Ranchers!
Dominique

Tired of Being Fin?

Here are some more Deck Words to add to your vocabulary.

The deckest thing on the Internet

No nudity, sorry.

Google Earth - A 3D interface to the planet

Download the software and have some fun. Try entering New York, NY as a search and then use the tilt function. As Hypey would say, it's deck.

xo,
ScapeDragon

Monkey Barn Contest

An update:

Several have asked about becoming the seventh contributor, so I'm going to run a contest: You have until after CSI, Thursday night, to send me the reasons (and/or bribes) as to why you'd make the best decision. I will announce the winner on Friday.

Also, I was telling my other illustrious contributors to sign all their posts so you would know who's who, but I just discovered that in the final text line (that has the time stamp), it says who posted what, so that's how you can figure it out (although they're encouraged to sign anyway, since most Monkey Barn readers aren't that bright).

Last (but not first), my dragon that I told you all about a few weeks ago finally revealed his name to me. I'll post it as soon as I can find a decent picture of him.

Hyperion
(notice how I'm signging my name)

'You're downloading what?'

The new guy at work (nineteen years old, six foot eight, three hundred and fourty pounds, and very chatty just my luck)) was telling me today he found ultra-hardcore dwarf-on-horse pornography (or the like) on his computer. Knowing the files weren't his, he confronted his roommate (who confessed), and put a password on the computer to prevent additional downloads.

Now, maybe its just me, but I tell you this: if I had a roommate using my computer to download animal pornography while I wasn't around, the first thing I'd do is steam-clean and sterilize every surface of my computer. And possibly have it exorcised. Then I'd consult the Magic Eight-Ball about continuing to co-habit with said roommate. And then regardless of the result, find someplace new to live.

Or at least move the computer out of my bedroom.

My first time

This past weekend I went to my first Hispanic, Caucasian, Mormon, Christian, Catholic, Jewish Wedding. It was a little strange but the food was excellent.

They prayed to Jesus then they broke the glass and yelled Mazal Tov. They danced to Mexican style songs, then did the Electric Slide, then danced to Hava Nagila.

Did I mention that the food was excellent?

update

An update on the injury front:

wrists and back are still very sore. They feel jammed, and as those of you who've had those injuries know, can last a long time. But at least at this point they don't feel major, and as many of you have pointed out, it's not like those parts of me weren't hurt already.

Several have written to ask what you can do. That's easy: donate. We did have insurance, but of course there's a healthy deductible, and at this rate I'll never make it back to Denny's, which is where all the magic happens. I've had those Donate buttons for awhile now, and so far the only one to take me up on it is my dad. I'll never beg, or threaten, but you should know that I may be forced to seriously curtail how much time I spend on the website in order to do things that pay better (read: at all).

One final note I thought was funny. Trying to be good visitors, my dad and I watched the Grey Cup, or at least the beginning, Sunday afternoon. Prime Minister Paul Martin came out to do the coin flip, and my dad quips, "They better watch out he doesn't keep the coin!"

Good times.

Monkey Barn - Orangutan Mishap

(from Merriam Webster)

The Word of the Day is:

mayhap \MAY-hap\ adverb
: perhaps

Example sentence:
"We are just wondering and looking and mayhap seeing what we never perceived before." (James Robinson, _A Treasury of Science_)

Did you know?
If "mayhap" looks to you like a relative of "perhaps," you're right -- the words are related. Both ultimately derive from the Middle English noun "hap," meaning "chance, fortune." "Mayhap" was formed by combining the phrase "(it) may hap" into a single word. "Hap" here is a verb essentially meaning "happen" (the word "maybe," another synonym of "mayhap" and "perhaps," was developed similarly from "may" and the verb "be"), and the verb "hap" comes from the noun "hap." "Perhaps" came about when "per" (meaning "through the agency of") was combined directly with the noun "hap" to form one word. Today "mayhap" is a rare word indeed in contrast with the very common "maybe" and "perhaps," but it does show up occasionally.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, the history blurb is a bit of a bore/ and yes, i already knew what it meant. but for some reason, well, i've always said "mayhapS" not "mayhap." i wonder why i do / have done this? mayhap i just thought mayhaps sounds better, alas language is not based on sound for if it were we'd also spell phonetically. which isn't it ironic that that word isn't spelled phonetically? i also ponder why monosyllabic is a polysyllabic word though. oh language how cruel you are to us.


- Sunshine & Pixie Stix.
- Dominique.

I'd like to start with a joke

In honour (yes, the 'u' is suppose to be there) of Hyperion's cat-like driving reflexes and the festive season, I thought I'd offer you this joke as my first post.

The Perfect Couple & Santa

xo,

ScapeDragon

Theme/Costume Weddings

[HYPERION'S NOTE: This is Ajax's first post. Huzzahs all around]



Anyone ever been to one of these? The sort of thing where the wedding party (and by extension) everyone invited is expected to costume in some way? I went to one once that was actually on Halloween as a 1930s-era gangster, complete with wing-tip shoes, pinstripe suit, fedora, and a violin case (regretably holding only my martini kit, rather than an authentic Thompson machine gun, because there was only room for one or the other). So technically, no theme except to come in some sort of costume. (Best costume at the wedding? There was a guy dressed as a fork. And one girl just happened to have a shiny black latex bodysuit in her closet, plus heels, and a lot of plastic guns who came as Trinity from the Matrix).

However, a friend of mine is talking about having a full theme wedding, right down the the time period (Elizabethian England, I think), and as luck would have it, it appears I may actually be in the wedding party. So I'm thinking a Captain Jack Sparrow costume. Not only would it be period-correct, but I could also go armed, and three sheets to the wind (ha! nautical pun!) all day long and not break character.

-Jax

Not my favorite trip to Denny's

So, here's what happened.

I'm on my way to Denny's. I was there Thursday and noticed the roads all changed up for construction. I remember then noting about where it took place (just after Rocky Ridge intersection), because it's hard to see.

Anyway, the road had been kind of slick going up this big hill, because of gusting snow. Where I was it wasn't bad, but I was still going slower than normal. When I saw Rocky Ridge coming up, I slowed further, to make sure I'd see the road veering. It's really hard to see.

When I saw the concret barriers shifting the road I applied the brakes. At that same moment I hit an icy patch and my car started to slide.

Now, I have to break (no pun intended) up my story for a moment to explain how I do things. Small little matters often tear me to pieces. But the big stuff, life-altering stuff, the crises and dangers, I get very calm and relaxed. Makes me think I'd be a good leader (but a terrible person, which is why no one ever likes being around me for too long).

Anyway, the normal thing to do would be to go to the left and try to get out of the slide. With two lanes plus generous shoulders on either side, and at a reduced speed, I should have been fine.

However, there was a car next to me. It was a maroon Honda Accord (I'm pretty sure), and the woman beind the wheel didn't seem to notice my slide. I remember at the time being quite annoyed with her, but the reality is at night, with the snow, she's just concentrating on the road in front of her, so I can't really hate. Anyway, for whatever reason, she didn't see me and wasn't slowing down (or speeding up).

All of this happend very very quickly, but I like I told you, things slow down for me, so i'm describing how I experienced it. The concret barriers were coming up very quickly, and it was either jerk my car to the left and probably side-swipe her, or hit the barriers.

I chose the barriers.

'

(a picture of what the barrier looked like. Not the actual barrier Hyperion hit)

There were about 20 of them, each one at a slight angle to force people to veer left instead of gonig straight (as they normally would). By the time I hit the first my speed was virtually all because of the slide, as my braking had done as much as possible. The right front of the car hit the barrier, and I tried to drive along the edge to control the car; still worried about swerving back into the road. About a half second after the first collision the right side airbag came out. By this time I had already hit my seat belt and returned to original position, and I tried to drive the car best I could. Didn't work too well.

I hit several more barriers as my car continued its deceleration, and only after the last one did the driver's side air bag deploy. (This is reason #2 I was lucky. Thursday night, with my lack of knowledge about the road veering (it's a recent thing), and with how hard they are to see, I'd have hit them very hard. Secondly, if I'd needed my air bag I'd be dead right now)

Once the air bag came out I couldn't see, which was worrying because a big (unlit) Arrow Neon sign (generally used to make people go to one lane), and a light pole were right ahead, but by then I was virtually stopped, and hitting an orange traffic cone (one of the big drum-looking ones) stopped me completely.

The woman never did notice what happend. A guy behind us stopped and came over, and he trash-talked the woman a bit. By this time I realized it was likely she just missed what happened, and no longer had hatred in my heart, but it seemed to make him feel better. That guy called EMS.

I was kind of embarrassed when they showed up. By far my biggest irritations (in top ten order, no less!) were:

#5 They were saving my seat at Denny's, and now they were going to lose income becasue no one would be taking that seat

#4 I had TONS of writing to do, and I knew this would screw up my schedule not only tonight but possibly for weeks

#3 This might affect my WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM status if the police asked too many questions

#2 My Norah Jones CD was stuck in the car (later this moved way down the list, but at the time...)

#1 It was my mother's car, and even though I did everything humanly possible, as this was a brand new car, I knew I'd never hear the end of it.


Anyway, the EMS were super-deck people, and I felt bad at the time because I felt they should be out saving actually hurt people. However, over the next few minutes both wrists and back started to hurt a good bit, and then my head (which may have been tension), and ankles a tad. They told me often the real injuries don't show up for a few hours, days, or even weeks, so I'll keep you posted.

I gave the EMS guys my website, and then I had to deal with the police, who were also cool, and then my dad showed up. By the way, my dad not only had to preach last night, but has to go on in a few hours to preach again, so he's the real hero. It was cold as can be (with the wind) as we waitied for the two truck, but mostly I got to wait in vehicles, so that was nice.

That's pretty much all I have right now. Thanks for listening.

Answers to the magic

As previously discussed, this site will no longer exist after Monday.
Check back Monday for an official announcement. In the meantime, here are the answers to the Magic disciplines. I should note that I took the book back to the library, so I don't have the answers any more. I looked up what I could, but it may be until Sunday before I have them. When I get them, I'll fill them in here.

Aeromancy - The art of foretelling future events by the observation of atmospheric, air or sky phenomena (wind currents, cloud shapes and formations, comets, falling stars, etc.)

Auguria - Divination by reading the flight patterns of birds

Biteromancy

Capnomancy - Divination by the ascent or motion of smoke

Geomancy - forecasting based on throwing handfuls of dirt in the air and seeing how they land on the ground

Physiognomy - Reading the future based on someone's facial features

Pedestria - Foretelling based on the movement of four-footed creatues, such as cows and pigs

Pyromancy - Divination based on fire, more specifically: volcanoes

Umbilicomancy - Predicting a baby's future by examining the umbilical cord.


I will have other posts Saturday and Sunday, leading up to the big day.

Achmed

If you looked out on the Institute home page, you'll see I reposted the column about my brother, because today is his birthday.

For months I've been writing inflammatory things about him in the hopes he' respond, but he never did, and I concluded that he wasn't reading (because he doesn't love me), and just gave up.

So Wednesday, coincidentally, I posted something about him, and low and behold this comment pops up (you can go see for yourself if you don't believe me:)

blogger? I just met her! said...

Note to editor: the Jerry McGuire anecdote is apocryphal at best. Achmed has never even seen that movie, and he certainly would never tell a girl how he actually felt, had he. This entry is dangerously close to libel.

Now, this sounds suspiciously like Achmed. He loves that sort of clever humor in the name (I wonder how being clever's working out for him), and the ridiculous threat could only come from someone desperate to hide the truth. So to you, commenter, whomever you be, I say this: you're lucky I didn't give ALL the details, and count yourself VERY lucky I don't tell the story of Jocelyn and the one about the missing shoes!

More funny and some yelling

Several notes:

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I'd found the funniest thing on the Internet, so funny that I couldn't even post the link, but to write me if you wanted to know. Well, for those of you who did, there's another installment. If you need help finding it, let me know.

Also, I don't use Explorer anymore, but I happened to today for something, and noticed that my Deadwood review has a bunch of html markers that made it to the page. Thanks a lot, you Explorer bozos, for nobody telling me.

Finally, I'm giving you people one more day on the Magic "disciplines," since only Ajax guessed and his were obviusly facetious.

Alcoholic Pilgrims

I know I said there'd be new material all this week, but I was too dead tired to post new stuff yesterday, and I felt the need to take off some for Indian Slaughter Day, I mean American Thanksgiving.

I feel kinda sorry for Canadians, not having a real Thanksgiving of their own. Nobody landed on Plymouth Leaf or anything, and while they have mistreated their natives, it doesn't compare to the Americans. They don't even get to watch Canadian Football on Thanksgiving, but maybe that's a good thing. (Bear in mind, they do have a Thanksgiving, back in October, but it's a pitiful thing and you sense that deep down they know it).

Anyway, to those Canadians feeling sorry for themselves and wanting to poke ther Americans, I offer this Straight Dope column about the Pilgrims, which shows, among other things, that the Pilgrims were all a bunch of drunken sots. Now do you feel better?

Chuck Norris

[Lareuate posted this on my football message board. It's not the first one of these to be floating around, but it is the best I've seen. It's a little over the top, but try and chill and take it for what it is (will crack you up). I spent about ten minutes looking for the original source, but was unable to locate it for credit, so I guess it's enough to know that neither Laureate or I wrote this. Perhaps in the beginning there was just Chuck Norris.]

Why Chuck Norris is a BAD ASSSSSS!

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the s**t out of little kids.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

You're a Wizard! (Scary!)

I read this book called “Wizards: An Amazing Journey through the Last Great Age of Magic” by Candace Savage

[It just occurred to me: didn’t Candace Cameron marry Fred Savage? Or at least didn’t he abuse her in a LIFETIME TV movie? Can someone look into this?]

Anyway, the book is written for about 6^th graders, but surprisingly accessible. Rather than point out the foolishness of what people used to believe, or make it all tongue in cheek, Savage actually treats previous beliefs in magic straightforwardly. Of course, some of the more ridiculous practices speak for themselves, but I like how she didn’t talk down to her audience or put down the people of antiquity. It’s a nice breezy read if you see it in the library, like I did.

One of the things that caught my attention was an apothecary cure for asthma. You were fed 50 millipedes a dose, four doses in 24 hours. Often the bugs were ground up with mortar and pestle, but sometimes they were fed live, as in the asthma cure. Can you imagine having to swallow 200 live wriggling pinching millipedes a day to treat your asthma? That inhaler ain’t looking so bad, is it?

Another cool tidbit I came across was that Astrologers and other magicians used mathematics, there was a severe distrust of the discipline. People worried that it might be one of the Dark Arts, and partly for that reason, Math wasn’t taught in school until the mid 1600s. I bet a lot of you are jealous. (Don’t make me name names.)

Here’s another kind of cool thing I read, the Motto of Alchemists:

Ora, Lege, Lege, Lege, Relege, Labora, et Invenies.

(Pray, read, read, read, Reread, labor and succeed)

Those were hard working dudes. Alchemy is now considered a joke and made fun of, but Newton is a lot smarter than most of us (not me, but all of you), and he spent a big portion of his life devoted to the art.

Here’s a great quote I found on one of the side panels that I just know is going to piss off Bear:

Many people think of magic and science as opposites, like right and wrong. As these people tell the story, humanity sat under a cloud of error for thousands of years, until science showed us how the world worked. They think of science as the enemy of magic. But, in fact, science and magic are more like members of a family. They do not always agree with each other, but they share the same ancestry. Most of the people who contributed to the Scientific Revolution were wizards as well as scientists. In addition to Isaac Newton, the list includes the astronomers Nicolas Copernicus and Johannes Kepler, and the chemist Robert Boyle. Magic introduced them to the study of mathematics and the search for hidden truths. In a sense, the rise of science was the surprising last chapter in the wizards’ quest for understanding.

Finally (since you all have short attention spans), I ran into some of the lesser-known disciplines of yore that you might not have heard of. I’m going to print the list. See if you can figure out what they are, without cheating, and tomorrow I’ll have the answers:

Aeromancy

Auguria

Biteromancy

Capnomancy

Geomancy

Physiognomy

Pedestria

Pyromancy

Umbilicomancy

Weaking of Spich

I found this great article about how to introduce your woman to your porn. Very seriously written, although also very funny. I don't have any porn myself (with the number of fine ladies the Hyperion has, there'd be no time), but I understand this is a big issue. Makes sense actually, and stems from the fact that women and men tend to view sex wholly differently, and interpret certain things differently.

Anyway, I link the site mostly because they use the excellent line:

.

No normal woman would tolerate her boyfriend having 20 gigs worth of ultra-hardcore midget on horse action

People: you would be doing me a HUGE favor if you could somewho incorporate the words "ultra hardcore midget on horse action" into a conversation today. Then write and tell me about it, and I'll print the best stories (anonymously).

There are some very humorous paragraphs in this article. Since most of you won't go read it, I'm going to quote a few. Obviously all rights are retained by the author.

He starts off talking about when is the best time to tell the woman about your porn stash. Once that's established he goes into how the conversation should--and should not--take place:

When you do bring up the subject don't say something like, "Listen, you better like porn because I've got a ton of spank mags that I'm not throwing out. End of discussion. Bitch." This is rather tactless. Instead, the best way to breach the subject is to talk about a friend and the troubles he is having with his girlfriend over the issue. Of course, this involves making up a story like, "My buddy Jim's girlfriend found his Penthouse stash today. She was so mad she set all of his magazines on fire." Her response should indicate her feelings on the subject.

[I have to say, this is pretty good advice. He goes on about the different types of women who will respond. Read the article for more details]

There are a few different viewpoints you may encounter from this exchange. The most distressing is that your girlfriend reveals that she is an anti-porn feminist. I hate to add this, but these women are usually pretty ugly so you should have guessed her viewpoint before even asking. These womyn believe that porn is degrading to women, and boy is it! Porn wouldn't be as half as much fun if it wasn't as degrading. They also believe that it forces men to view women as sexual objects, but this point is purely senseless. Men view women as sexual objects all the time without the aid of pornography.

[Sad but true....]

The next step up from the anti-porn feminist is the girlfriend who hates porn because she believes that she should be the only woman you're ever going to need. This notion is ludicrous. Men are about one step away from monkeys, and we will always have the desire to look at the other monkeys on the next tree. Now, I'm not saying its right to lust after another woman, but men don't go blind as soon as they start dating. To be honest, I think women check other women out more than guys do in order to cast judgments upon them. At least we males mean less harm with our ogling.

[Again: I totally agree with this. Women judge other women WAYYYYYY more than men do, who are generally pretty forgiving, and label women one of two ways: A) I'd do her B) I'd do her (but wouldn't tell anyone)]

A way to deal with all of these types is to tell them you don't give a damn what they think, and try to have your cake and eat it too. You can be assured that your girlfriend will then always bring it up in arguments, or by making snide comments on a regular basis. You're going to get nagged about enough stuff in the relationship, we give her more ammo? You can also forget about using an excuse like those copies of Hustler are your deceased grandfather's and you’re only keeping them around in his memory. If it didn't work for me, it won't work for you.

The ideal woman tolerates a certain amount of pornography, but she will still be wary of too much. This girl is the, "I don't care how he heats the water, as long as he boils for me" type. This is the perfect set up, but don't blow it. If you abuse her generous way of thinking, then the Zen of your happy relationship will be destroyed. Your viewing habits should be self restricted. Remember, her monthly visitor is the best time to "go back to your roots.”

This type of woman is a rather rare breed and must not be confused with the woman who is way too into porn. That type may be freaky in the sack, but you might be too close to stripper girlfriend, which is pretty much the same as single mom/crack whore girlfriend. Watch out and remember Ben Franklin's famous saying, "The freakier the sex, the more daddy issues to deal with."

There are also those women that disagree with pornography based on religion. Tough titties for you on this one buddy, since you knew what was going down when you met her at the church ice cream social or at the Christian bookstore. I don't think it's a big surprise to find out a girl that adorns a cross on any part of her body wouldn't be into porn. Hopefully she bakes one hell of a pie, because you're headed towards the missionary lifestyle (and not the good kind of missionary lifestyle either).

[At this point I have to quit, mostly because I'm laughing too hard. Selah]

Housekeeping.

First of all, I can't believe that not one of you commented on the cute teddy bear. You all have hearts of stone and I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.

I did get around to looking at the gorillia in the tutu (from when I was on strike). Very nice, although I think I looked better when I was in a tutu, but maybe that's just me. I appreciate how many of you like monkeys (sort of prescient, but whatever).

I tried to find some monkey/ape items you would like. I found this great Questionable Content strip, which contains an excellent reference to "all nude monkey dancing." I have been trying to get you punks to read this strip for awhile, and though I've temporarily given up that quest, as least read two days after that to get to the great R. Kelly joke.

Oh, and while I'm thiking about it, I am reversing my policy of excluding sites I will use for links. I won't be doing it as often, because I have more original content, but if I find something I think you'll like, I'll show it to you.

Trivia Answers

Here are the answers to the Trivia questions I asked yesterday

(#1; TV; 8 points) On the Pilot episode of CSI, what was the name of the brand new agent? Holly Gribbs
(#2 GEOGRAPHY; 7 points) What is the longest River in Canada? Mackenzie River
(#3 NAMES; 9 points) I’m going to give you three names; you need to tell me where they come from: Jester, Merlin, and Goose. All pilots in the movie TOP GUN
(#4 HISTORY; 8 points) What decade did the Concorde make its first commercial flight? April 9, 1969
(#5 LITERATURE; 7) What is the first line of Moby Dick? “Call Me Ishmael”
(#6 CANDY; 6) What color Smarties are you supposed to eat last? Red
(#7 SPORTS; 8) In the 2002 Winter Olympics, two Canadian figure skaters were first robbed and then awarded gold medals. What are their names? Jamie Sale and David Pelletier
(#8 FOOD; 8) At Denny’s, what comes on the Original Grand Slam Breakfast? 2 eggs, 2 pancakes, 2 bacon strips, and 2 sausauge links
(#9 COMICS; 8) In the comic strip Peanuts, Snoopy has a brother who lives out in the desert. What is his name? Spike
(#10 MOVIES; 8) What was the name of the diamond in the movie TITANIC Heart of the Ocean
(#11 PEOPLE; 8) Who lives at 21 Baker St.? Sherlock Holmes
(#12) TV; 9) on the show Law & Order, how many partners did Detective Lenny Briscoe have? (Original) 3: Mike Logan, Rey Curtis, Ed Green
(#13 HISTORY 9) What famous event happened in the world on September 1, 1939? Germany invaded Poland/start of WWII
(#14 ENTERTAINMENT; 8) What was the original color of Oscar the Grouch? Orange
(#15 MOVIES; 10) In the Movie IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, What was the Angel’s name, and what was the name of the town when George saw what it would be like if he’d never been born? Clarence/Potterville
(#16 HISTORY; 9) What was Alfred Nobel famous for before he founded the Nobel Prize? Inventor of Dynamite
(#17 SPORTS; 7) Who won the last World Cup in 2002, held in Korea and Japan? Brazil
(#18 SPACE; 7) What is Canada’s most noteworthy contribution to NASA’s space program? Canadarm
(#19 NAMES; 9) Helena, Lysander, Puck all charcters in William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream
(#20 GEOGRAPHY; 8) What continent has the most countries? Africa (53 countries; over 25% of the world)

Bonus: Movies
I’m going to give you four movie characters. You need to give me the movie they come from.

Sonny Corleone - Godfather
Ashley Wilkes – Gone with the Wind
Lt. John Dunbar – Dances with Wolves
Kit de Luca – Pretty Woman

Timeline
I’m going to give you four historical events, you have to put them in order from longest ago to most recent

Charlemagne: Christmas Day, AD 800
Millennium: January 1, 1000
Battle of Hastings: October 14, 1066
Magna Carta: June 15, 1215

Trivia Questions

These are the Trivia Questions I used Saturday night. Below that are the songs. Each song corresponds to what I played when I asked the question. Well, sort of. I'll explain that more tomorrow, as I'm starting to get very tired.

I'll also have the answers tomorrow.

(#1 TV; 8 points) On the Pilot episode of CSI, what was the name of the brand new agent?
(#2 GEOGRAPHY; 7 points) What is the longest River in Canada?
(#3 NAMES; 9 points) I’m going to give you three names; you need to tell me where they come from: Jester, Merlin, and Goose.
(#4 HISTORY; 8 points) What decade did the Concorde make its first commercial flight?
(#5 LITERATURE; 7) What is the first line of Moby Dick?
(#6 CANDY; 6) What color Smarties are you supposed to eat last?
(#7 SPORTS; 8) In the 2002 Winter Olympics, two Canadian figure skaters were first robbed and then awarded gold medals. What are their names?
(#8 FOOD; 8) At Denny’s, what comes on the Original Grand Slam Breakfast?
(#9 COMICS; 8) In the comic strip Peanuts, Snoopy has a brother who lives out in the desert. What is his name?
(#10 MOVIES; 8) What was the name of the diamond in the movie TITANIC
(#11 PEOPLE; 8) Who lives at 21 Baker St.?
(#12) TV; 9) on the show Law & Order, how many partners did Detective Lenny Briscoe have? (Original)
(#13 HISTORY 9) What famous event happened in the world on September 1, 1939?
(#14 ENTERTAINMENT; 8) What was the original color of Oscar the Grouch?
(#15 MOVIES; 10) In the Movie IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, What was the Angel’s name, and what was the name of the town when George saw what it would be like if he’d never been born?
(#16 HISTORY; 9) What was Alfred Nobel famous for before he founded the Nobel Prize?
(#17 SPORTS; 7) Who won the last World Cup in 2002, held in Korea and Japan?
(#18 SPACE; 7) What is Canada’s most noteworthy contribution to NASA’s space program?
(#19 NAMES; 9) Where do these three names have in common? Helena, Lysander, Puck
(#20 GEOGRAPHY; 8) What continent has the most countries?

Bonus: Movies
I’m going to give you four movie characters. You need to give me the movie they come from.
Sonny Corleone
Ashley Wilkes
Lt. John Dunbar
Kit de Luca

Second Bonus (they got to choose which category before they heard the questions)
Timeline
I’m going to give you four historical events, you have to put them in order from longest ago to most recent
Magna Carta is signed
The First Millennium is celebrated
Battle of Hastings
Charles the Great or Charlemagne is crowned Holy Roman Emperor

SONGS FOR TRIVIA
1. Tom Cochrane – Life is a Highway (4:27)
2. The byrds – Turn, turn turn (3:39)
3. Bee Gees – Stayin’ Alive (4:47)
4. Dido – White Flag (3:35)
5. Frank sinatra – can’t take my eyes off of you (3:46)
6. Michael Jackson – Beat It (4:19)
7. NSYNC – Bye Bye Bye (3:20)
8. Simon and Garfunkle – Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme (3:06)
9. Garth Brooks – Unanswered Prayers (3:25)
10. Village People – YMCA (4:40)
11. Benny goodman – Sing, Swing, Sing (5:05)
12. Elton John – Can you Feel the love Tonight? (3:59)
13. Billy Joel – For the Longest Time (3:37)
14. Mamas and Papas – California Dreaming (2:41)
15. KC and the Sunshine Band – That’s the Way I like it (3:03)
16. P.O.D. – Boom (3:08)
17. Beatles – Twist and Shout (2:33)
18. The Bangles – Walk like an Egyptian (3:24)
19. Kermit – the Rainbow Connection (3:14)
20. Aretha Franklin – respect (2:29)

During Bonus:
Star Wars – Duel of the Fates (4:14)
Louis Armstrong – What a Wonderful World (2:21)

How far away are they?

I am not ready to tell you how trivia went Saturday night, but I can relate a few details.

One is a funny story from last Wednesday. I was very rushed trying to get things ready and not really focussing on things. I talked to a woman and invited her to Trivia. She said she was coming. I asked if she was bring someone and she said, "in utero."

I was just totally thinking of other things and I responded, "So they're from out of town?"

She thought that was very funny and I just had to share.

It just occurred to me I can print the trivia questions and the songs I used. I'll do that in a minute.

Promise Kept

You can't believe the number of things that piled up over the last few days, some of which are no longer valid or have expired. Such is life. I'll get to as many as I can over the next seven days. (Which, if you can't count, means that Hyperionthinkstoomuch WILL run through the weekend with new material instead of taking the day off. More on that in a minute.)

I was very frustrated at the lack of cooperation from people when I all I asked was for a single bar joke from regulars who normally don't respond. To get absolutely nothing almost felt like a conspiracy. Perhaps my readers are all spies for the Magic Pygmy Rabbits, I thought.

Anyway, what at first I thought would be at most a 1 day standoff stretched day after day, and forced me to contemplate life without this site. And, surprisingly, it made me realize that it's time to retire this particular venue in this format. So, you asked for a big announcement, and you got it: Hyperion Thinks Too Much will have its last post next Monday. After that it will be no more. There are four new sites coming on board (with luck and prayer by Monday), so you'll hardly miss it. Anyway, there you go. Be sure to check in next Monday to see the last one.

[And for those of you bitching that I didn't have the announcment in the afternoon, you misread the words. After noon means after 12:00 pm. Whatever time you're reading this certainly qualifies as "after noon." Yes, I realize it's a loophole, but in the words of Adolf Hitler, "don't hate."]

4 + "here you go" + N

[In other words, ALL IS FORGIVEN. I was going to actually post this picture of forgivenes, but I knew Harriet would have a stroke, and nobody wants that. Also, while I was looking for appropriate pictures, I ran across possibly the cutest picture of all time. In fact, it is so cute I can't post it here, because then you'd spend the rest of the day just looking at it and your productivity would go way down, and I don't want to be responsible for that.]

Bar Joke #19

[Saturday night at Trivia, which I hosted, and I planned to tell you all about last week, but, well, you know, Hyperion Nation Reader Trey came up to me and handed me a small piece of paper. I was very busy and stressed and unable to look at it right then. Cryptically he said, "I think this is what you're looking for." I nodded and put the piece of paper in my pocket. This is what was on that piece of paper:]

A man was in a bar when a great looknig woman walked in and dressed very daringly. He coudln't keep his eyes off her. She finally turned and said, "If you like what you see, come talk to me." The embarrassed gentleman finally walked over and admitted that she was the hottest thign he has seen in a long time. The woman said "Well thank you." She tells the man if he wants anything, just ask. "No matter how strange or kinky, I will do it for $100.00. Only one thing: you have to say what you want me to do in only three words." The man thinks for a second and then gets a grin on his face. Leaning over he whispers in the woman's ear, "Paint my house."

big announcement

Big Announcement coming

Check back this afternoon

Mexican Standoff

I guess we're at an impasse.

I meant what I said and I'm not backing down. I spend several hours a day preparing for this site, and even more hours getting ready for the new launches. I don't ask for a whole lot, and don't think it's unreasonable to expect some help when I do ask. The same few people shouldn't have to carry the load. I mark my traffic daily, and a whole lot more people are coming each day.

All I asked was for some one (not named Ajax, Koz, Scapedragon, Harriet, Quincy or Dominique) to email me a bar joke. That's all.

But it's been 48 hours since I threw down the gauntlet.

And nothing.

Well, I give in most of the time, let it go, but here is my line in the sand. I'm not posting any more new content on this site until my simple request is met. I'm not posting anything today until it is, which means the top ten list, the brand new column, the movie index, the tales and all the posts for here sit in "draft" mode, unpublished.

I may relent and move on with the other sites tomorrow (if a settlement hasn't been reached by then), but THIS SITE will remain dormant.

And if nothing comes in by Monday? Well, then I guess I'll have to explore the nuclear option.

NOVEMBER IS BAR JOKE MONTH

That is all.

More on babie's toes

To follow up on a comment/question someone had,

I have no problem with adult women's toes (or at least "of age," whatever that means).

Here's my rationale: Those girls get to choose (beg) to have their toes sucked. Babies get no such choice. Now, I understand a baby is too young to get a big say in everything. But for something that later on in life is sexual, or at least can be, it seems to me to be taking advantage of the baby. I'm not going to call all of you people who suck on babies' toes evil sick perverts who should be beaten to death with shovels, but I'm thinking it.

I'll tell you something else, something I feel even more strongly about: I have a HUGE problem with naked babies in TV, movies and most of all commercials. Again: the baby is being exploited and doesn't have a say.

In general, I'm kind of bothered by baby and child actors to begin with. I would say in 99% of the cases it's the parents (read: mother) pushing the child into it.

But that's beside the point. Here is the point: I agree that no one (at least no one in teh realms of the law-abiding) consider a naked baby sexual. But if it's okay to show a naked one month old, is it okay to show a naked five month old? 1 year? 2 years? How about 5 or even 10?

You see where I'm going with this. "But Hyperion" you say. "Everyone knows it's wrong for a naked five year old."

Do they? I've been to public pools and seen moms let their little girls run around topless. True, they haven't developed breasts, but for some that can be a turn on. In Europe, they show naked families in art books. I still remember when Koz and I saw one at a Barnes and Noble in Atlanta. We were shocked to see naked kids age 3-16 just frollicking around.

Now, anyone reasonable person (I feel) could not have looked at the pictures and seen pornography. It was art, however weird, but I bet others use it differently.

Let me put it another way: though you thnk it's easy to tell when it's okay to show a kid naked and not okay, you have to admit that not everyone agrees with you. And logically they could use baby commercials to justify four and five year olds naked too. It's a lot trickier than you think on where to draw the line.

It's always bothered me and I suppose that why the toe thing bothers me too. I'm not saying it's the same thing; it's definitely not. But it does start to fringe onto that area of exploiting kids without their permission.

Buffet Molester

A reader sent me this site of T-Shirts for Fat Guys.

Now, I did see the link on Gorilla Mask (let's not get into that again), but since someone else sent it to me, I figured it's okay.

What I wanted to do was to have us vote on which one is the best.

I love you day

Someone sent me this yesterday, and I'm not trying to hate (if you're reading: no hard feelings), but I really do hate these sorts of ultimatums. I think we need to do something about it. Suggestions?

Tommorow [November 16] is national I LOVE U DAY if u get this that means u are loved. Send this to 10 people in the next 143 min and tommorow will be your best day ever . Tonight at midnight your true love will relize that they love u. something good will happen to u at 1-4 pm tommorow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock of ur life, if u break this chain u will be cursed w/ relationship problems for the next 10 years. If u get it back ur loved if u have a lot of love for someone... copy and send this to your whole list... in five min

Butter Face

So, I admitted the other day I had a problem with watching “The War at Home,” easily the worst comedy on television. Yet, there are some funny things.

Sunday’s episode dealt (in part) with the 16 year old daughter wanting a boob job. Her friend had one, and came over to visit. The friend was indeed stacked and had an okay but not beautiful face.

Later on the mom and dad (played terribly by Michael Rappaport as a Jew of all things) are discussing the girl, and Rappaport’s character says he had plenty of experience in high school and college with “Butter Face.”

“Butter Face?” asks the wife, questioningly.

“Yeah. Everything about her is great...but her face.”

I laughed in spite of myself. I tell you: I have problems.

Bar Joke #17

[from Koz, who saved for bacon, at least for 24 hours]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Strike averted, for now

Koz just sent in a bar joke.

Since he's previously done his duty I'm inclined not to honor the joke as "terms met." However, since I didn't spell out absolutely it had to be from a new person, I guess that's a loophole, and I feel very strongly about respecting the loophole.

But it only buys you a day.

All of today's material will go up in the next five minutes, but by tomorrow morning, if someone new hasn't sent in a joke, then I'll be forced to go to the next step.

Strike Update

It's 7:30 Eastern time. Apparently nothing is coming in this morning. I'll check back at 3:00 pm Eastern and see, and if my conditions are met, I have plenty of material written and ready to go. If not.....

Bar Jokes 15 and 16 (but still on strike)

[Ajax pointed out that he sent me two bar jokes last week, which is true. Because the oversight is my part, I'm printing them. However, NOT A SINGLE BAR JOKE has come in since I wrote yesterday I was going on strike until I got some entries. And I mean it. My top ten list is done, many Thinkstoomuch entries; done, I also have a regular colum and a Fagin Dupree chapter withink hours of completion, but I'm not working on them or posting anything else until more bar jokes are sent in. Hyperion has spoken. Now, enjoy Ajax's lame attempts at humor.]

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

Bar Joke #14

[People, I declared November BAR JOKE month. We were supposed to laugh at them all month and then vote. But like 3 FREAKING PEOPLE have sent on in! You all suck and should be ashamed of yourselves. Now, I want to see some blasted bar jokes sent in! Or I'm going on strike. In fact, yes: not one more post until I get some bar jokes. In the meantime:]

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

baby feet

So, I was talking to this girl, and she told me about playing with a baby (I think about a year old).

The girl then drops the bombshell that she put the baby's feet (or at least toes) in her mouth.

This TOTALLY creeped me out. She seemed quite surprised at my horror and assured me it's a common thing.

So I ask the Hyperion Nation: does this happen a lot? Is this something girls or at least people who like babies do?

4001

someone finally sent in the 4001: Koz. I'm kind of suspicious as to why he didn't send it earlier, also because he's an accomplished photshopper (good with the editing software, not that he purches photographs with gusto), but without proof of malfeasance, I have no choice but to declare him the winner.



seems fishy, but for now, okay

I'd hate to put it up on the Marquee

When I heard that Samuel Jackson was going to be in a movie called SNAKES ON A PLANE, I knew I'd heard the best title of a film this years.

But I was wrong.

I wouldn't mind being home schooled if I lived in a brothel

I was doing research for, to be honest I can't even remember what now. Oh yeah: that guy who got arrested yesterday for killing his girl's parents, and supposedly the kids are religious and home schooled. You just know that people too stupid to analyze will imediately come up with a round of "this is what religion does to people" comments. Anyway, while I was looking into it, I found this picture. Quincy will love it.

Nick has a mustache!

Speaking of getting around to watching shows I recorded, I finally saw the CSI from two weeks ago, the one that dealt with abortion (kinda). Actually, let me forgo talking about that just yet. I’m working on a political column for later this week, and I may put that in there. If not, I’ll revisit that topic.

But while I’m on the subject of CSI, did you see Thursday’s episode? Nick has a porn ‘stache!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

If you made a list of the greatest CSI developments, all time, Nick’s porn ‘stache has to be top five. (And just to be clear, I’m not talking porn stash, like what you kept under your mattress. I’m talking porn mustache!)

Anyway, it led Ajax and me to create a “best mustaches” of all time top ten list, which hopefully will air this week.

Okay, I’m tired. I’m going to post the movie column and get some sleep. I may have more posts later today, but if I wait until the morrow, this should more than make up for my lapse on Friday. Oh! I meant to tell you why I talked so weird then. I guess I’ll fill you in later on that too.

Couch Gags

Speaking of MC Escher,

I was considering, when Simpsons week returns to Rank Everything, doing a ‘Best Couch Gags” list. It be hard to top the brilliance of the MC Escher one. However, did you see The Simpsons last night? That might be, nay, I say it is the best of all time.

Added to last week’s stellar Halloween Ep (first time they hit that one out of the park in awhile) and The Simpsons is going through a real renaissance.

I usually tape Simpsons through Family Guy and watch it when I can. Last week’s Family Guy is arguably the funniest ever. Did you see the opening, with Osama Bin Laden trying to make a “Death to America” video, but his buddies keep cracking him up? Hilarious.

The dilemma is that to get both Simpsons and Family Guy, I have to also tape The War at Home, easily the worst comedy in years. I wrote about this several months ago: it’s a train wreck. The subject matter is beyond inappropriate for family viewing, the acting is bad, the laughs worse than canned, and that’s the good part.

And yet, I keep watching it? What’s wrong with me? Am I just too lazy to fast forward? Or am I drawn, like some sort of train wreck?

World's Shortest Science Fiction Story

One of my Halloween stories was actually Sci-Fi, which I was all happy about until Laureate talked me out of posting it, telling me it was horrible.

Thanks, jerk, for crushing my inner Bradbury. (He might have been right, in which case, I need to amend that statement to read Thanks so much Laureate, for having my back and telling me the unvarnished truth….jerk.)

Anyway, I bring this up because I ran across the world’s shortest Science Fiction story. (Some say Fredric Brown wrote it, but most attribute it to Anonymous.) Anyway, it’s so deck it’s hella-deck (or should that be holo-deck; hee hee), and it kind of seeps into you the more you think about it, like an MC Escher painting. Anyway, I wanted to share it with you:

“The last man on Earth sat in a room. There was a knock on the door.”

Selah

new words, same me

in honor of the last post I just changed the title of this blog. I better change the Mission Statement too.

Sophocles

So, I was doing some research on Sophocles for the MovieHype column, and I saw that Sophocles has a Blogger site. Interested, I clicked on it, only to see it filled with naked women!

What would Quincy say if he saw that? What would Harriet say if she saw that? What would Oedipus say if he saw that? Oh wait, he wouldn’t see it.

[I realize only about 6 of you got that joke, but those who did are currently wetting themselves laughing. Welcome to my world]

Request

I don’t ask a lot of you people. Sure, I ask you to read, to tell your friends, to visit the website daily, to obey me when I rule the world, and to donate so I can continue my good work (which you #*%&*&^*_s never do, he said bitterly), but I do need your help now.

Actually, I guess this request can wait a couple of weeks, until I get some things rolling. Remind me about this later.

My football team sucks

So last week my fantasy football team got beat like a Republican running in San Francisco. Terribly. Most seasons when the NFL comes around I’m all excited, thinking my team is the best. (Most people think that or they wouldn’t have made the draft picks they did.) This year I hated my team from the start. I initially named them Snuggle Bear Pussy Posse to punish them. I hate the Snuggle Bear, as you all know, and I felt my team was a bunch of pussies.

Some how my team thrived each week. In fact, one week I was the highest scorer in the league, which, under league rules, allowed me to change my team name. I chose My Lovely Lady Lumps, after that horrible Black Eyed Peas song I hate. Scroll down and see why.

Secretly, I assumed my team would be high scorer once again and I’d finally give them a good name.

This hasn’t come close to happening. Some how I made it to 6-2, and the wheels started to come off. I lose my best player, Priest Holmes, and then last week, not only am the low scorer, (which hurts in the mythical “Shadow Championship, that pits each team against all 11 other teams to see how they would have fared if the league were set up that way), but to add insult to injury, I was Frenchified by my friend Laureate.

In year 2 I came up with a rule idea soon adopted: each week the team who gets beaten the worst on the field of battle has to wear the French flag as his logo until the next game is over. It looks like this:

Getting beat is one thing, but getting beat like I’m French…the humanity.

This week isn’t faring much better. Bear (it’s his league but he’s always terrible) is on track to beat me unless I pull a miracle tonight on MNF, which will leave me 6-4 and only a game in first place. Can I hang on to make the playoffs? I doubt it, but I’ll keep you posted.

Pleasantville

You know how some movies you can watch half an hour of 4000 times on TNT? I’m talking about the BACK TO THE FUTURES, the SHAWSHANKS, the TOP GUNS, the PRINCESS BRIDES. Then there are movies you really really like, but definitely follow the Law of Diminishing Returns.

When I first saw PLEASANTVILLE I was so pleased. A bit heavy-handed at the end, but such a delightful film, with a great message, and wonderful performances. Even the look was fresh and original. Now when I come by it I notice all the flaws. The preachiness makes me roll my eyes. Bud is impossibly good, and becomes boring. Even the colors no longer excite me. Does anyone else have this problem with PLEASANTVILLE or any other movie?

Best Laid Plans of Mickey and Me

Good Comrades,

Indecision now attacks me like a venomous serpent. My wont is to put shoulder to wheel, nose to grindstone, fingers to querty and transcribe all my work so that you may enjoy it in its entirety.

However:

Practical experience, instinct (and digital tracking software) warns that ocular traffic over the week’s end is but a paltry thing. To expend so much effort and receive relatively insignificant notice to such boon and bonny tales would be a grave injustice.

This was not the plan. Even after the marrow-shaking events of moon’s waning arc I felt sure that a brief turnaround abed all that needs be to slingshot the day still full of vigor and enthralling menace.

But was not meant to be.

So, for now, I take my leave of you. I will fill in over the hours a few substitutions, but full effect will not be made to bear until the dawning of the new week.

Please forgive, and hold not bitterness or ill feelings in your heart, as I hold none to you.

Hyperion

a bump in the road

Good Comrades,

I had ambitious and far-reaching plans for this last day of the working week. There was a new MovieHype column, the final installment in the pantheon of TV Deck (a veritable Murderer’s Row of cool), at least 8 new posts for this very site, as well as a call to arms for a new venture soon to be undertook.

However, an unplanned sojourn in the night’s bosom hours has left me depleted of energy, and if not stalling my purpose, at least for now, my resolve.

I pray your forgiveness for a few hours’ respite, at which point I will spring forth to pound keyboard until all the transcribing is done and the Hyperion Institute wows you once again.

Those signed to be notified will of course be so later in the day, and I beg the rest of you to check later on, as quite a verbal buffet shall be laid before you. I also pledge to no longer converse like Rosencrantz and/or Guildenstern, a bi-product of harrowing fatigue.

Until then good Pilgrims…..

T.B.C.

Man of the Week

Man of the Week Runner Up.




But definitely the Man of the Week.

Bar Joke #12

I have been informed by forces (temporarily) more powerful than I that this joke is inappropriate, and thus has been removed

Can I start a "I hate Shannon" fan club?

If you didn't watch last night's LOST yet, don't read any further:


I've said before how annoying Charlie and Michael are. Well, they friggin' pale in comparison to how much I hate Shannon. I don't care if she is blonde, she's worthless! How can someone that hot be that loathesome?

And I totally don't buy her "I used to be a nice girl until my inheritance was taken and now that's why I'm useless and use men and screw my half-brother" routine. And I can't figure out what Sayid is doing with her. I'd rather make a play for the middle aged woman.

GrRRRRRRRRRRR

4001

Today is the day I hope to break 4000 on this site. Whomever is 4001 (a prime number), please take a screen shot an send it to me, and I will laud you to the ages.

(And don't cheat by refreshing again and again to make yourself 4001. I'll know and then I won't talk to you anymore.)

In case you didn't know, a Screenshot is accomplished by hitting "Alt and the Print Screen button, which should be next to F12. When the Print Screen button is typed, it prints whatever's on your screen. However, when Alt is pressed with it, it copies whatever is on your screen. Make sure I can see the 4001 and then send it to me for riches.

blue scarf

Okay, so I've got a dragon and you've seen the dragon and obviously the dragon is as deck as anything imaginable, so I've been pretty excited.

But that doesn't mean I haven't received other cool gifts.

For example, I got this kickin' scarf last year. Brajj (the god of writing and Denny's) and I share it. Brajj likes to get all cuddly in the scarf, which causes girls to swoon (which, I think is his point).

I also got this really sweet pen with my name engraved on it for Hyperion Day earlier this year. I write all the Fagin Dupree material with it.

And let's not forget the Miracle Blade III knives I got two years ago. Could a gift be any decker?

I enjoy all the gifts from my readers very much.

And to the "anonymous" reader who scoffed at my having Pay-Pal up on the site: why the hell shouldn't I? You gladly pay for newspapers and magazines, and I provide way better material than that. I'm not making anyone donate (look at my zero bottom line and you'll see that clearly I'm not), but if people want to, what's wrong with that?